Monday, June 13, 2011

Divorce Always Shocks Me (plus running check-in)

First, running check-in: The truth is, I didn't run at all last week. I have no good excuses except I genuinely hate running. (Please lawd let me find some motivation, and soon.) Did you run last week? What motivated you? I need the recipe for that secret sauce, so please share it!

And now for something completely different. Divorce.

I know something like 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Maybe more. Odds are higher if you marry younger. The addition of kids can really eff things up, too, if you're not careful. So why does the news that someone I know is divorcing still manage to shock me?? I've had a handful of close friends, and too many relative to count, go through divorces. Given the stats, the news shouldn't really come as a surprise. But when I heard that our old friends, A and J have separated, I was really shocked. They have kids who are slightly younger than ours. Ugh.

It was also kind of sad how we initially found out. A keeps a blog and suddenly the title changed to something like "A's journey thru motherhood," and we noticed there were no recent pictures of J, and then there was a post about "J dropped stuff off for me and the kids," and then a few more posts about things that just A and the kids were doing for dinner, etc. Then we finally heard the actual news. Gah - divorce with kids involved just sucks. Hopefully they can keep it amicable. (Funny, I don't think I've ever heard the word "amicable" used in a non-divorce context.)

One more thing, completely unrelated to any of the above... I read this insightful article by Michelle Goldberg today called "The Return of Back-Alley Abortions," about the success of the anti-choice movement at the state level, and how right now, in the good old U.S.A., there are women facing jail time for self-inducing an abortion. Highly recommended, very depressing reading. Why this kind of horrifying news doesn't get people fired up about the next election cycle is totally beyond me.


Jac. said...

Running: I've run twice in the last week, good runs too. My motivation is absolutely vanity. I have a cute little dress hanging in my closest that is 2 sizes too small. I love that dress. Every day I try it on, realize I am too large, and vow to go for another run.

Divorce: Never fails to shock me. Am only slightly ashamed to admit that sometimes when I hear of people my age getting divorced I thank goodness it's not me (a 'there but for the grace of god' moment). Statistically, DH and I are at high risk. I was 22 when we got married. We have two small kids. DH travels A LOT for work. We're in the process of moving. I'm in the process of starting my own biz. But, have to stay - things are remarkably good right now, especially considering that DD is just 6 months and has recently started waking up more frequently at night. We're both really tired, but we seem to have a much better sense of humour about it this time around. I just don't know what the trick is. Why some people work and some people don't, when most people (I think) start out at a similar place of love and hopefulness.

Re: Back Alley Abortions. I have no words. It makes me so sad.

Zenmoo said...

While I would never consider an abortion myself (a fact I very clearly stated to my now- husband before the first time we had sex. Total passion killer, but I had to be honest!) I strongly defend a woman's right to choose and be supported with EITHER choice. The anti-abortion BS in the US is just another thing I don't really understand (along with gun control, birthers & the popularity of unnaturally orange cheese).

I was in pilates the other day and the instructor was trying to get me to put pressure evenly through my feet by adjusting my ankles & he ended up deciding my ankles are just built so my weight in down the outside of my feet. He asked if I got shin splints when I run & I said I didn't run. He said that was probably a good thing. I like him.

And divorce. Well, only one of my aunts divorced, when I was under 5. And that is it in our family. A cousin ended his engagement before he got married & one of my husbands friends separated & are now back together. So despite having a very large family & plenty of friends & being in my mid-30's, I have very little experience with divorce and none at all where children are involved. It would totally freak me out.

Claudia said...

Running: nope. I hit the PMS wall, and have yet to stand up again. However, I just read that exercise during PMS time is more effective at burning fat, so that motivates me for next time. Of course, I need to be in the habit before another 3 weeks roll around...

Divorce: My friend in SF really wants to boot the dude out, but alas she's trapped by school pick-up and drop-off, of all things. It's absurd. I hope she can finagle something, because he needs to hit bottom, and right now he can't because of the cushy situation. Alcoholism, in case you're wondering.

Abortion: What a friggin' mess that is. I have always been pro-choice, but now that I have a kid, I'd never get an abortion (please let that remain a theory. I'm 43- a baby would kill me!)
But the hair-splitting equivocating doesn't let anyone stand fully behind their convictions. Decide something, and leave it be. I hate politics.

mom2boy said...

I agree with @Jac - vanity is my only motivator to exercise. Oh, I like to think it's for health reasons but if I can walk and talk and keep up with a toddler tornado, I feel like I'm healthy enough. But fitting into my favorite jeans - that I'd exercise for. I did half of a one hour yoga workout yesterday... lol

Break-ups are in the air around here. One of my childhood friends is going through a divorce with kids and it is not "amicable" at all. Another 5+ year relationship ended, also with kids, and also a lot of anger on both sides so far. It's sad. I've been there and it just sucks. And like offering advice to a new parent - it won't stick until it's too late and they look back and go gee I wish I had focused more on this and let that go, etc.

Melba said...

Running: hell, no. I did however rock white pants again. Haha. Seriously, I talk like I don't need to exercise, but that's so not the case. I do. I'm potato shaped. But right now I'm just not motivated and feel too busy (I know that's a load of crap) and I am not bad at choosing flattering clothes for my potato-ness so I go with that instead.

Abortion: pro-choice, though now that I've felt babies in my belly I completely cannot empathize with people who feel that and then still make the choice. I don't get it. But still, I believe in choice. And @claudia I hear ya - a baby would kill me too.

Divorce: I don't really have any divorced friends. I know the stats are 50/50, but none of the divorcees seem to be hanging around my circle of friends/family/coworkers. It would freak me out too if it was a close friend.

MrsHaley said...

Running: I downloaded a bunch of cute apps and my motivation to run is that I get to play with them. Pandora is one of them -- I love Pandora so very much. Cardio Trainer (CPS, speed/mileage/calories burned) and Fitness Tracker (straight food-diary calorie counter) are the other ones. I aso got COMFORTABLE earbuds and one of those serious-athlete msartphone armbands so I can quit stuffing the thing in my bra.

But let me be frank: I have been eating 1200 calories a day and running 2-3 miles 4-5 days a week, and I have lost .... NOTHING. The scale has not budged. So maybe my techniques do not actually work.

Back-Alley abortions: I think legally, abortion should be a neutral issue. It should be legal, period. Any arguments about when life commences or when it should be too late are fair only between a woman, her doctor, and (if applicable) her religious leader. Anti-choicers can picket and harangue as much as they want, as long as IT STAYS LEGAL. ANybody can think it's MORALLY wrong, but it needs to stay LEGAL. That's the argument I use to short-circuit my anti-choice friends. Of whom I have a LOT. AUGH.

Divorce: My cohort is getting to the point where they start dropping -- 7-10 years together, it seems. Nobody I know personally has succumbed yet, but there are a few who won't surprise me, and a few whom I think needed to pull the trigger years ago. We'll see who's up first ...??

Cloud said...

Running- well, I did make it for a run. My motivation is... I don't know. It helps that I get to run by the bay and it has been gorgeous lately. I'm not running anywhere near enough to have it show in how my clothes fit, so I think of it sort of as a placeholder for when I can get back into shape.

Divorce- everytime I hear of someone I know divorcing, I want to go hug my husband. I'm glad we've stayed pretty solid.

Abortion- I'm pro-choice, without a doubt. But like many others, I don't want one myself. My husband and I had a bit of a fight when we were gearing up to try for #2 and I told him that I wouldn't abort if we had a Down Syndrome baby. He understood my reasons, but thought it should be a joint decision. I told him that I just couldn't consider it, full stop. Luckily for us, we never had any unreassuring test results.

If I came up pregnant again, I'd feel briefly suicidal, I think, but then click into practical problem solving mode. And there would be some more permanent birth control measures in our future....

orange cheese (for @zenmoo)- what is it with the antipodean hatred of orange cheese? My husband suffers from that, too, whereas I am a cheese pluralist. Have you ever had Red Leicester? It is very nice. There are even some nice orange cheddars here. They get condemned by association with the ones that resemble plastic, but really, there are some nice ones!

mom2boy said...

@cloud (for @zenmoo) - oooh actual orange cheese. I read her comment and immediately thought of orange powdered "cheese" and wondered if the rest of the world could possibly hate cheetos and doritos?

paola said...

Motivation to run is hard especially when you don't see you are losing weight (if that is why you run). I need music and listen to a walkman. The songs have lots of different tempos, so I have songs for the long slow runs and those for the faster runs. You can listen to audio books too, but I think I will try that myslef on the really long ones.

I also vary where I go running. I do a bit of cross-country running (dirt tracks) on the long slow runs and a quiet road along a canal for when I need to do repeats. Both are quite picturesque.

Run with a friend. Your dog or even your kid. Hubby has already been out running twice with Noah riding his bike.

I started my training last week and managed to keep to the program. Sunday I did 18.5Ks with hubby and then I did 8 Ks of repeats yesterday and another 8-10Ks tomorrow. Saturday I have 19, so that will be a total of 53-55Ks this week.

caramama said...

I have a good excuse for not exercising: torn meniscus in my knee. Stupid torn meniscus. I was just starting to do yoga again and hubby and I were about to start a push-up regimen. For the record? Sitting around with a torn meniscus for about 4 weeks has caused me to gain 5-7 pounds, even though I've cut way back on how much I'm eating. I'm actually looking forward to my surgery and following physical therapy so I can get back into shape. I've never been so unhappy about my size before except perhaps during fertility treatments.

Re: divorce. I'm actually pretty surprised that I don't have any friends or family going through divorce, and haven't since I was a little girl. I keep waiting to hear which people I know are going to divorce, but still nothing. I'm really happy about it, but it's wierd considering the statistics.

paola said...

re: exercise and losing weight.
In order to loose a kilo of weight you need to burn 7700 calories ( a pound, around 3800). Running for an hour at around 10 ( 5.5 mph?) kph at my weight of 61 kilos (around 130 lbs? )will burn around 700-750 calories. The more you weigh, the more you burn. Anyway, all that means you need to do that more than 10 times to burn a kilo of flab. Around 3-4 weeks of running.

Don't expect to burn a kilo (2 lbs) a month though as you will more than likely compensate by eating more. Aim for 1 pound but remember you will have to run at least an hour every time and at a decent speed.

I know its not the news you wanted to hear, so much effort for such poor results. However, you will find you build muscle at the same time and muscle burns more calories than fat and so over time you will find it all snowballs and you are lsoing more and more weight. It is the first few months of seeing nothing come off the scales that can be disheartening, but really keep it up.

By Christmas you will be 6 lbs lighter.