Sorry for the disappearing act. We were out of town. For work and play. With the kids. It kind of sucked logistically, but at the same time it was so nice to escape Podunkville, eat good food, and meet up with some cool mofos. Part of the suckiness was a huge fight we had in front of the kids - just like a bunch of assholes. Then we neglected to make up in front of them, which my reading of "Nurture Shock" (in time for the upcoming book discussion of it on Ask Moxie) tells me is what can really screw kids up. So that royally sucked.
A strange thing happened on our last day in the big city. I met someone. A man. A married man with kids. A man who, if it had been a mere 9 years ago and had he also been single, I strongly suspect I would have had a relationship with. And it freaked my shit right the fuck out. Nothing happened. Rest assured, Hush ain't no cheater, so everyone calm down! Nothing was even said. It was all just crazywild VIBE stuff. My DH and his wife were there the whole time. I probably shouldn't say anything more. I am going to avoid this person like the plague, and I doubt our paths will ever cross again... I know other women in relationships have experienced one-off things like this, and I believe the best policy is open communication with my husband about the attraction, coupled with total avoidance. Thank the lawd for therapy!
Relatedly, DH seems to have gotten scared about counseling in the last 2 weeks, and has been slowly retreating from it. I think he is afraid of finally opening the can of worms he needs to open. Childhood pain stuff. However, he claims he is trying to schedule his next appointment. I say "no TRY, just DO." (In my best Yoda voice). The counselor doesn't want to see me alone again, nor us both together again, until he has had the chance to meet 1-on-1 with DH. To further annoy/confound me, DH is also not reading either of the books the counselor recommended: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, and John Gottman et.al's "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work." Both of which we own, and I have already read several times like a self-help dweeb that I am. So I am hoping DH comes around. I think he will.
But all is not so bad because... drumroll please... the TRUE BLOOD season 3 premiere is this Sunday on HBO (6pm my time, yipee!). Is it kind of sad that I am looking so forward to a freaking TV show? Like the people on it are long lost friends? Nah. ;)
9 comments:
I totally get the vibe thing and I think the approach you are taking is good although I'm not sure I'm enlightened enough to have the "I'm attracted to someone else even though I'd never act on it" conversation with a significant other. Something to ponder.
My ex and I also had a knock down, drag out (not literally) fight in front of Tate before and it was one of the big reasons I took a serious step back to look at where I was and what I needed to do.
Two steps forward, one step back is how therapy always felt to me. Not at all a perfect march forward to progress. All you can do is work to keep the lines of communication open and make sure your husband has room to process in his own way.
I have heard that making up after an argument is key to kids understanding how healthy relationships work, not just trying to minimize fighting.
I haven't gotten Nurture Shock. Maybe I will this weekend. I'm still pouting that the latest Sookie Stackhouse isn't available on Kindle.
The next time you see that guy again, you'll probably think he isn't that hot anyway! That's what individuals 'committed' to a partnership think anyway, according to something I read recently in the NYT. It's a mechanism we (humans, I mean) have developed to protect our relationships. Apparently the more committed you are, the less attractive you find other people who 'threaten' your relationship.
In case you did think he was still hot the second time you saw him, avoiding him like the plaque certainly sounds like a sound idea.
I totally want to read Nurture Shock but realistically can't do it in time to discuss on Moxie so I haven't bought it. I am STILL reading Emma, which I started last summer. Yes, it's taken me almost a freakin' year.
I was also going to try to ready Henrietta Lacks but there's no way I'll get that done by July 1. :( Oh well.
Anyway, on the topic this is supposed to be about: plague-like avoidance is definitely the way to go, and re: the reluctance of your DH to go alone... I think that's way more common for men than women. He'll do it eventually. Just like he'll read the books. It sounds like he really wants to make your marriage work just like you do... so he will.
My husband hates that I get obsessed about tv shows. He obsesses about running and cycling and working out. I obsess about sitting on my ass on the couch watching American Idol. Drives him nuts.
I'm pretty sure that you haven't scarred your kids for life, because I'm fairly certain that I witnessed more than one big fight between my parents, and I don't think they ever made up in front of us, and I don't feel scarred.
Nurture Shock is on my list to read, but I don't think I'll get there soon. I just got Henrietta Lacks for my birthday. I hope to read that in time to talk about it here!
OK, now you've done it. Blue needs to make a trip to the bookstore!
The vibe stuff is crazy and a little frightening. Something I am sure could happen to the best of us--especially when times are a little rocky. I like the open communication, though, and was relieved that Hush ain't no cheater! It's true that you might not be attracted to him the next time you see him, which would be a relief, but it's risky. Total avoidance sounds like a better plan.
I hope your DH eventually comes around about the therapy. It sounds like there is some stuff he's nervous about facing, which is understandable. Maybe the pressure of it being just him is scary. Don't let him retreat too far, though.
As I say to my DH, "Mazel you two. Good things." (Alec Baldwin in Along Came Polly)
@mom2boy - I'm so glad you get the "vibe" thing. I tried telling my IRL close friend about it and she was like "WTF?? - I don't really understand." Anyway...
About the "I'm attracted to someone else even though I'd never act on it" conversation w/DH - it was actually such a relief to say the words. I was just like "This is awkward... I felt attracted to M and it freaked me out -because the truth is I want more than anything to be happy & married & in love with you, and can't believe I would ever have those thoughts..." DH said he was proud of me for being so honest, and that he had also felt the sexual tension in the air, which he says actually makes me more attractive in his eyes. Our bed has been on fire ever since. Go figure!
@Paola - Interesting theory! Though I hope I never have the chance to test it! ;)
@Melba - No worries if you don't finish the Henrietta Lacks book before July; even if you've read just a little please feel free to join in.
DH finally scheduled his 1-on-1 therapy appointment, without any reminders or nagging from me, so I am pretty excited. ;)
@Cloud - Thanks for the reassurance. Hopefully we'll remember to make up in front of them next time, if not avoid arguing in front of them entirely (lofty goal).
@blue - How did you know I lurve Alec Baldwin? ;) Yeah, the vibe stuff is insane. I think it happens when we least expect it - kind of like falling in love - often happens when you're not looking for it. And I think it is even more of an issue during rocky times because then ideas pop into your head that probably wouldn't have occurred if your relationship was stronger. I hope blue doesn't get any firsthand experience with that! I keep wanting to say "You're my boy, blue!" quoting from Old School, but you're not elderly nor a boy... so maybe I'll just hum "Dust in the Wind" to myself instead. hee hee
That's funny. Whenever I read your blog, I think of that Deep Purple song. "Hush, Hush, thought I heard you calling my name now...."
Psyched to hear your DH set up the next session and was cool about your vibe confessions. Also glad to hear about the resulting fire in bed. All good.
Yes, the "vibe" thing has happened to me (only mildly and with absolutely no follow up action) and no, I haven't been brave enough to ever have "the talk". Luckily avoidance and just burying my head until it passes seems to have worked for me so far.
Onward and upward....
Sorry I'm so late to comment!
I'm glad your DH made the appointment. Must feel so great that he did it without you having to nag or bring it up.
Also so glad to hear about the fire in the bedroom! That can certainly help ease issues in other areas of the relationship. I'm also impressed that you told him. I've felt attraction to other men before, but never really talked about it with my hubby. Although maybe if the attraction happened right in front of him (which it hasn't), I might talk to him about it. I think he would be understanding, but I also haven't felt it necessary to discuss with him. (We've got the fire in the bedroom usually anyway. hehe.)
I'm really wishing I had a kindle already, because I haven't had a chance to get to a bookstore to get either Nurture Shock or Henrietta Lacks. I'm hoping to soon.
@blue - My name is in reference to the Deep Purple song, and is also what I yell out in my noisy house pretty much everyday. ;)
@caramama - It was the happened right in front of him part that necessitated the tough conversation. In general, I think I would probably also have the conversation if the other person were someone local that I needed to avoid, yet DH kept making plans that involved seeing him. Beyond that, such a conversation could be construed as unnecessarily hurtful maybe.
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