Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Discipline... it takes a lot of work

October was the month when pretty much the entire world started telling us that our delightful little 3-year-old needed some discipline. DH has been trying to tell me that for some time now, and I was in denial. Not anymore. When his sweet babysitter who takes care of him 3 days a week told me in tears that she thought he needed some discipline because he called her a "fucking bitch" who is "not my mama" and can't tell him what to do as he threw blocks at her and his baby sister, and screamed "nooooo" whenever she asked anything of him... um, yeah. I knew we needed to get serious about it. Did I mention she raised 3 kids of her own, so this is not some childless ninny who has never dealt with a kid throwing a tantrum-- she knows her shit about kids. That was quite a wake-up call.

So pretty much that's what I've been doing with my free time lately, instead of blogging and enjoying the blogs of others. But I'm back now. Allow me to share what I've been learning.

We started off by incorporating what seems to be the most popular discipline method these day: The Time Out. I found the book "1,2,3 Magic" at the thrift store, read it in about 20 minutes, and discovered it is really easy method to do, and seems to work as long as DS is not supertired. Don't go buy the book though, seriously here is all you need to know: Kid does something you want him to STOP doing. You say "That's 1." He continues? You say "That's 2." He keeps doing it? You say "That's 3. Take 5." (All of this is said calmly and without anger, BTW, with no other talking and explanations on your part.) Then you escort him to time out. Serious infractions like hitting and pushing are an immediate "That's 3. Take 5." Rinse. Repeat. In our house, the time out area is the back porch outside, because there is no way my son will sit still on a step or on the sofa. And he certainly won't go to time out on his own.

We actually had success with this method in terms of teaching that certain behavior has consequences. He says "fucking bitch" or pushes down his baby sister = he goes to time out, and we know he gets it.

That all being said, I had some reservations about the use of Time Outs generally based on conversations I have had over the last several years with certain child psychologists and parents I know. One of my best friends is an expert in this area, and I went to her and described what was going on in my home. Her opinion is that Time Outs in general do help to protect children from potentially greater harms like spanking and verbal/emotional abuse, and they are useful for parents who have multiple children and not a lot of time to talk with and to work individually with each child; but they are not the ideal method, especially for dealing with boys. (Ouch!) Her belief is that Time Outs risk teaching kids that when they are feeling these kinds of out-of-control, big scary emotions, the people who love them most will withdraw from them and make them be by themselves because they can't handle the child and don't accept them at that moment. And that sense of rejection over time, and the inability to work together with their parents on managing those tough emotions can allegedly hurt a child's emotional development. (Definitely food for thought, but not what I wanted to hear. I'd ideally like a quicker fix - note above the time-crunched parents... yep, that's me!)

She suggested instead of putting him in Time Out every time he crosses the line, we should think about incorporating some therapeutic techniques to help teach him emotional self-regulation. Things like proper breathing from the diaphragm, using words to name the emotion he is experiencing, role playing with dolls, and doing art together. At first my thought was "this is kind of touchy feely for me, but I'm willing to give it a try"... and now I'm glad I did, because I have been pleasantly surprised. DS has really enjoyed the art we have been doing with him - things like getting a crayon and paper and asking him to draw a bunch of circles to show opposite emotional states: "draw HAPPY!!, ok, now draw sad." "draw EXCITED!!, now draw bored." etc. It has been interesting. And I have noticed that he is a bit more aware of the effect of his behavior on others, and a bit more able to explain what he is feeling in a much more verbal way. Who would have thought that therapeutic play could work so quickly? My friend suggested a book for me about children's art therapy for laypeople that I hope to read for more activities for us to do.

The final lesson we've been trying to incorporate is to remember to give attention to, and to realistically praise his "good" behavior. Like those rare moments when he is quietly playing with a toy for awhile, we try to remember to give him the same level of attention we would give him if he were doing something "naughty" like trying to throw that toy through the window. I have seen many parents who only really pay attention to misbehavior because it is so hard to ignore - but it is challenging to remember to notice the good behavior, too: the sharing, the respectful play, the spontaneous kisses he gives his sister when he thinks no one is watching...

Anyway, it has been quite a journey for all of us this month, and I'm happy to say I'm feeling better about DS and his current place in the world as a spirited, determined, sharp little dude.

Your thoughts?

12 comments:

Jac said...

I'm a big fan of the time out because it has worked for us. For the major things, it's an automatic time out (like hitting or biting - neither of which seems to happen any more), and everything else gets one warning and then a time out. We're at the point now where the warning is usually good enough. When we started this process, DH and I struggled to get on the same page about WHY we were doing it because when DH did it, it seemed like punishment. I really think the goal is "discipline" in the sense of teaching appropriate behaviour and self-control. I found that just ensuring our attitude was in the right place (i.e. coming from a place of caring rather than anger) really helped. So, if this meant giving him blankie or a stuffie to cuddle during the time out to help him get under control and feel calmer, then we do that. The goal is to get him to a place after the time out where we can talk about why he had the time out and have that sink in without being blocked by toddler rage.

I'm not really into the hippy dippy stuff (said lovingly) but as I read your list, I've noticed that we do a few of those things too, without really realising it. Definitely giving him the words to help him label his feelings has helped A LOT (and his preschool teachers have commented to us that he is very self-aware about his own feelings, and empathetic about other kid's feelings - which I think comes from having the proper words to label those feelings).

Cloud said...

We use a mix of time outs and more "hippy dippy" techniques in our house. Time outs are generally reserved for major issues (like pushing her baby sister) or days when she just won't listen to anything else. Or, let's be honest, those times when I have no patience left.

We've done some "play it out" stuff (from Playful Parenting), which was particularly useful when she was in her biting phase at day care. She was a lot younger then, and explanations didn't really help.

Now, we can often talk things through as long as we nip the behavior in the bud- if things have escalated to the point that a tantrum is starting, it won't work. But early on I can call a "time in" (another idea from Playful Parenting) and we go sit on the sofa and talk about why she shouldn't be doing whatever it is she is doing. This has mixed success. Sometimes it works, sometimes we end up in a time out.

I've never tried the art therapy method. Maybe that would help short circuit some of her more spectacular tantrums. So far, all I've found that works is to let her scream for a little bit, and then go in and give her hugs until she calms down and we can talk through the problem.

One other technique that I've had some luck with when the root cause of the problem is a tussle over a toy with her sister or some other toy-related issue is to take the toy and put IT in time out.

I've even put myself in time out when some behavior of Pumpkin's is irritating but not really BAD, and I just need a break. She's very social, and it freaks her out when I do this, and usually stops the behavior pretty quickly.

With all that said... we've actually been very lucky and don't have many discipline problems, unless you count the potty issues. I think that is primarily luck, though, and is probably related to her verbal skills. She's quite verbal for her age, and can name her emotions easily. In fact, she will often tell me, "Mommy, you are making me MAD." Which is actually sort of cute, and we can usually discuss why I'm doing whatever it is that is annoying her.

Jac. said...

@Cloud - we do time outs for mommy too. I don't permit shrieking, and am trying to get my own yelling issues under control. It's actually kind of awesome when I yell at DS and he says "No yelling! It's not kind!" and I have to say, "you are right, I need a time out". The truth is, if I'm yelling, I DO need a time out because that's not okay and I need a moment to collect my patience.

Claudia said...

I totally agree with time-outs for parents. I have told DD that I don't want to be around her when she acts like that, and walk away.

I think your friend the touchy-feely psychologist has very good ideas and reasons for them. Hopefully it leads to better behavior.

About the swearing, DD only says dumb and fart, so it isn't terribly harsh, but the emotion can still be there. I've told her it's fine to be mad at me, but it's not nice to call other people names like that. I say that she can tell me she's mad at me. Then we can find out what I did to make her mad. She does pretty well with this.

Clare said...

I also often put a toy/book in time out if my boys won't stop fighting over it. I use time outs as a cooling off period; I need time to myself sometimes to get my emotions under control, so I figure my kids probably do too.

My kids don't really bust out the profanity, but they do know that some words are "grown up words" and they are not allowed to use them. We read somewhere not to label them "bad words" because then we can't use them ourselves (haha), but also that gives them too much forbidden lure for the kids. You might try making a game out of finding appropriate words to express emotion. Because really, an explosion of "naughty" language can help you blow off some steam.

mom2boy said...

The time crunch kills all the best laid plans! No doubt. Props for identifying there was a problem and that it just didn't have a quick fix.

We do A LOT of talking about things. Perhaps more than is effective in the short term but I am set on the fact that a human being who can identify feelings and motivations honestly is a rare creature and I'm going to do my best to add one more to the planet.

I use mommy time outs for sure. And time outs for him when talking isn't getting though. But even with hitting or throwing something, it really depends on is he tired, is he looking for attention, is he frustrated by a lack of physical ability like he just can't work one of his toys the way he wants to be able to? Different reasons really call for different reactions on my part because a tired or frustrated little boy can easily be reset with a sincere hug and offer to help. And sometimes an overtired little boy can't be reset at all but a time out isn't going to help either - so unless I need a break I generally go with distraction and pray I can get him to fall asleep somehow.

Although straight up whining gets to me almost every time and for all my good intentions I often tell him if he can't stop whining he has to do it somewhere else. Makes me feel bad reading about being banished for scary feelings but then again whining isn't a manifestation of too big emotions - it's a torture device designed to get mommy to say yes, fine, whatever you want just stop making that god awful noise!!!

Welcome back! :)

blue said...

I've definitely used time outs for both child and mommy, but we've also done some "hippy dippy" stuff, too.

When my daughter was five and having a hard time transitioning to a school schedule, she had some regression and temper tantrums, specific to clothing and other sensory stuff. She's usually well-behaved, but we had a hard time getting through the mornings without one or both of us in tears for a while.

A lot of the issues have resolved as she has matured, but it's also tempered by some techniques I learned in therapy. I realized that my reaction was making her feel worse and that by embracing her emotions, good or bad, I was helping her trust herself and me. The accepting negative feelings was something that I didn't have as a child, so it would come to the surface for me when she was on a rampage. Simple, but still hard to identify without awareness. And so dangerous when ignored...

Anyway, we started to talk more. Sometime I would have to separate myself from her during her tirades so as not to react (mommy time out?) but a lot of those days we'd stop and throw rocks in the river out our drive to school. It gave us an outlet for some frustration and also some time to talk about our feelings.

I know it's not exactly the same as disciplining a 3 year old, but it's something that really changed the way I parent my child and, I'm sure, will have an affect on my relationship with my 2 year old son as well.

I am glad to hear things are getting better and that you're able to notice the good behaviors more and more. It sounds like you are on a good track--just being aware and open to other people's constructive feedback about your son without taking it personally is excellent. It says that you are putting his best interests first. Go Hush. Welcome back.

Melba said...

Not much to say that the other's haven't already, so I'll summarize.

1, time-outs kick ass and are the only thing that even remotely works around here,

2, might try that art therapy, haven't done that before and Rosie loves her some art,

and 3, welcome back, I was wondering what happened to you and missed your cussin' out posts.

paola said...

It is almost impossible to give DD ( almost 4 ) a time out as, like your DS, she will not stay still or stay in her room for half a second ( her room is within viewing distance of our living area so it isn't as if she is abandoned on the other side of the house). So time outs are reserved for big stuff. And then I have to go sit with her :( OTOH time outs work beautifully with my almost 6 year old, who does stay where he is told.

When I put my kids in TO I always tell them that they now have to think about why their action was 'unacceptable', and then after a few minutes ( generally when I've calmed down) we talk about it. Noah generally 'gets it', and unless he is acting out due to tiredness or hunger, does make an effort to make changes. But phew, sometimes with Zoe is is so damned hard to get her to behave. I think half the problem is that she just loves winding her brother up ( most of the issues we have are with her bugging Noah). I try letting them work out their issues themselves ( alla Siblings Without Rivalry), but it always ends up in tears before bed-time.

Parisienne Mais Presque said...

At the current moment, time out does NOT work for us at all. Le Petit won't stay still anywhere without throwing or knocking over things and generally emotionally and/or physically escalating the situation, and it ends up being an exhausting battle of wills.

What does work is either letting him blow off steam in an appropriate way or, more often than not, restraining him gently if he can't find any appropriate or safe way to blow off steam, all while calmly explaining to him why the behavior that set off the tantrum is unacceptable. If he's tired, he may still lose it completely, and we often have a hard time staying calm... ugh. We're getting better at it. I try to get at the root the problem ("It seems you're angry because you want to do X... X isn't possible because Y... but if you want, you can do Z"). I'm pretty specific about the whys, in the sort of "safe, respectful, kind" framework à la Hedra. I don't know if le Petit understands it, but he does sometimes accept my explanations or suggestions. And I'll be honest, if all else fails, I'll go for some sort of blatant distraction.

I tell myself that while this method is short on the traditional teaching of punishment and consequences, it is
big on teaching self-discipline. I ultimately want him to do or NOT do things because he understands the reason himself, not because he's afraid Mom will lose her cool or impose some punishment. (Although as my husband sometimes points out, that is often reason enough -- occasionally I hear "Stop doing that, because it is annoying your mother, and trust me, you don't want to go there.")

Isn't it interesting how the personality of the child is so important, and there really isn't any one-size-fits-all? I'd definitely use time out if it worked for me and le Petit, but it doesn't at the moment. Also, he doesn't seem to have much emotional literacy yet, and when I try to get him to verbalize his feelings or attempt to verbalize them for him, he gets even more frustrated. On the other hand, he likes the logic of "not that, this instead." Or at least accepts it.

caramama said...

Man. Discipline and the 3 year old. Lord help us all!

Generally, we go with the hippy dippy stuff, but it doesn't always work. Also my hubby feels like sometimes she should actually be punished for things like hitting her brother. So we have tried to use time outs for the big things, but when my spirited girl is in a wild mood, there is pretty much nothing that works. Even with time outs, we stay around her so that she's not "banished." In fact, we often have to gently restrain her in her seat. And last time we tried, that's when she started hitting, then kicking and then... wait for it... spitting!!!!

And that's when I sent her to her room.

Oh yes I did. I can't even believe I did that, cause I'm almost always way more on the touchy feely side of things. But I finally said, "You can't be around other people if that is how you are going to behave!" And let me add that we tried EVERYTHING up to that point. I just was about to lose it and didn't know what else to do.

Anyway, I've got no answers. I think maybe trying art work would be good for us, but how to make the time for that when she's misbehaving because she doesn't want to go to bed? She's very verbal and aware of her emotions, cause we've been working on that for years. But there are times when we just can't snap her out of her wild, misbehaving cycles. I'm at a loss. I should probably do more research.

Good luck to you guys! Hope it goes well! And I missed you!

hush said...

@Jac - "I found that just ensuring our attitude was in the right place (i.e. coming from a place of caring rather than anger) really helped." Amen! You nailed it.

@Cloud - "One other technique that I've had some luck with when the root cause of the problem is a tussle over a toy with her sister or some other toy-related issue is to take the toy and put IT in time out." That has worked so well of us, too. I must remember to keep doing that.

@Claudia - "I think your friend the touchy-feely psychologist has very good ideas and reasons for them." That made me chuckle - I agree.

@Clare - Welcome! "We read somewhere not to label them "bad words" because then we can't use them ourselves (haha), but also that gives them too much forbidden lure for the kids." Good insight. I should probably think of a new word for them - I've been calling them "time out words."

@mom2boy - You are spot on about that: "And sometimes an overtired little boy can't be reset at all but a time out isn't going to help either - so unless I need a break I generally go with distraction and pray I can get him to fall asleep somehow." Ugh! That overtired state is a tough time.

@blue - "I realized that my reaction was making her feel worse and that by embracing her emotions, good or bad, I was helping her trust herself and me. " Awesome insight - I really grapple with this because I have a tendency to react instead of respond.

@Melba - "Time-outs kick ass and are the only thing that even remotely works around here." I appreciate your honesty, because I often feel the same way. I just need to make sure we're not overusing them, and making sure they are used as part of a bigger strategy of identifying emotions.

@Paola - "I try letting them work out their issues themselves ( alla Siblings Without Rivalry)" I cannot wait until mine are old enough to be able to try that!

@Parisienne Mais Presque - "I ultimately want him to do or NOT do things because he understands the reason himself, not because he's afraid Mom will lose her cool or impose some punishment." That is also my goal, but boy has it been hard focusing on that! And Amen to this: "Isn't it interesting how the personality of the child is so important, and there really isn't any one-size-fits-all?"

@caramama - "Man. Discipline and the 3 year old. Lord help us all!" Preach on, sister!! ;)