hush!

In Which I Told - The Follow Up Post

2012-02-14T10:49:00.000-08:00

I finally managed to get in touch with the parents of the 3-year-old who I found being left alone for half an hour on Friday morning at a local play gym.

It took all weekend, and all of yesterday, and many rounds of phone tag and messages, but I finally got one of the child's parents on the phone. Even though I know them personally, this took some doing. I had to actively push past my own desire not to keep picking up the phone, again, and again. But I'm glad I did.

I found the father to be completely unreachable, and the mother to be unreachable at first, and then a bit of a denier.

After I left a voice message saying "I need to speak with you because I witnessed your daughter in a dangerous situation on Friday" - in no uncertain terms on their landline, the mother finally sent me a text yesterday evening saying "It's hard to talk when I have all my kids, could you just text me about it or send me an email?" I called her back again and she picked up and I said "I wouldn't insist that we talk on the phone about it if it weren't serious - it will only take a minute."

Then I told her about the little girl being left alone for 30 minutes.

She said "My nanny would never leave her alone at the gym intentionally."

To which I said, "Be that as it may, that is what I witnessed, and I suggest you speak to so-and-so at the gym about it."

She said she would. She also mentioned that the kid was supposed to be in a class that morning, and wasn't sure what was going on. Ugh.

I wanted to tell her about the part where I heard the sitter say she's probably going to quit, but I felt there was a vibe of too much denial and probably shock for me to mention it.

I'm blogging about this to process it all, really. I'm just really shocked at how many walls these parents have up to prevent them from having any dialogue about their kids. I'm sure they don't see it that way though. Maybe it is unintentional.

Am I weird for thinking this whole thing just seems off?

A Phone Call I'm Not Looking Forward To

2012-02-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I witnessed a friend's babysitter, Ms. H, do something that crossed a major boundary for me.

Unfortunately, a little over a year ago, I'd heard the same sitter had (allegedly) behaved inappropriately in the exact same venue, and I even blogged about it. So now I feel I really do need to pick up the phone and say something to the parents. Here's what I saw that upset me yesterday.

I took my kids to the local indoor play gym. We were the first ones there that morning. Or so we thought. As we walked in, I was surprised to see my friend's 3-year-old daughter playing all alone in the huge gym, which is filled with gymnastics equipment such as rope swings, huge trampolines, parallel bars, pommel horses, and balance beams. As my mother would say: "innumerable, creative ways to fall and get paralyzed if not used properly" - or, more probably, to just have a ton of fun on.

Nobody was looking after the little 3-year-old in this huge place. At first I figured her babysitter was in the bathroom for a minute (still, kind of questionable judgment there - why not take the kid potty with you if there's no one there to ask to please watch her for a second). Then the little girl started climbing a storage unit in an area that's off limits to kids, so I went over to her and asked her to come with me, and I took all three kids to the front desk, and reported to the receptionist that this little girl here was just playing completely unsupervised and went into a dangerous, off-limits area - and where's her babysitter?

Receptionist calls a young female employee from the back, and she agrees to look after the little girl for awhile until someone shows up for the kid. I check the bathroom with my own kids, nope, no babysitter there.

A half an hour later, the babysitter finally shows up, holding a disposable cup of coffee. Wow.

I'm flabbergasted. There are drive thru coffee places every 10 feet in Podunkville. This is the Pacific Northwest. There are several coffee places with nice play areas for the kids to roam. Nobody ever needs to drop a kid off somewhere in order to get themselves a decent cup of coffee.

Half an hour later, loads more people have showed up, and the little girl falls off the uneven bars, landing flat on the ground. She has really hurt herself and starts crying, literally right at the feet of me and another friend. We look around and at that moment, and unlike the rest of the adults present, the sitter is on the other side of the room, sitting down, texting, having no idea what's going on with the little girl. She finally sees us consoling the little girl and comes over, grabs her hand and says "You're strong, stop crying." I wouldn't call it a harsh tone of voice, but I wouldn't call it one with much empathy either. The little girl seems fine the rest of the time.

As we're leaving, and the kids are all waiting their turn for their hand stamps, the sitter gets into a VERY LOUD conversation with the receptionist. She's a loud talker I guess. And I can't help but overhear it, which sucks, because she said some incredibly mean things about the child's parents, like "they chose to have 4 kids,"..."they've been relaxing in Hawaii all week"... "it wouldn't be so bad if the stupid dogs would stop barfing everywhere".. and "I'm probably going to quit soon, after the baby comes (the sitter is pregnant)."

Awkward. And sad.

Sad that she agreed to watch 4 kids and 2 dogs by herself for a week while in the first trimester of pregnancy - clearly, this experience went beyond her personal limits. So I can see why she wasn't in the best of moods that day. But still. Shitty judgment.

And now I have a phone call I have to make. I can't not say something after all of that. I'm thinking of writing myself a script for this phone call. What to say? What to leave out? I dunno.

DH thinks I should tell the parents only the parts about how I witnessed her leaving the kid unsupervised for half an hour while getting a coffee, plus the very public, very disloyal shit talking about the parents that I overheard.

Your thoughts?

Everyone's Talking About Sheryl Sandberg

2012-02-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been living in a hole (which I sometimes do), you've probably noticed that everyone, everywhere (I exaggerate only slightly) has been talking about Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO lately.

I've noticed a couple of trends in the recent internet discussions about her.

There's this odd debate about the role of "luck" in her story. "She just got lucky." As if "luck" and "hard work" are mutually exclusive. As if building a relationship with a key mentor or leaving one job for a better one is just about "luck" and has nothing at all to do with "hard work." What's up with the either/or thinking? Why can't it be BOTH "luck" AND "hard work"?

There's also the sad/endless media-created "Mommy Wars" (gah!) debate Sandberg's story brings up: WOHM, SAHM, blah blah snore, you already know my take on this = who gives a shit about the label? (All I care about are the non-existent "Daddy Wars.") People are INDIVIDUALS with UNIQUE PREFERENCES. As in, there are people like to wear capri pants sometimes, or shell out $75 for the unflattering canvas footwear du jour that's all the rage. I happen to think they're fugly, but at least I know my way isn't necessarily "right." To each their own. Every family has unique needs and challenges. I'm not going to compare my own needs and my sorely limited set of work/life balance resources to those of a billionaire married to a multi-millionaire endowed with multiple live-in nannies and kids who probably slept through the night at birth. But good for them. I'm awesome in my own way. So are they.

Where was I?

Oh yes. There's also the debate about the Horatio Alger fantasy the Sandberg story conjures. It's great that someone from a relatively disadvantaged group (women) "Made It," and has succeeded (in terms of pecuniary gain and revered social status) beyond most capitalist dreams. "One of them did it, so why can't they all?"... "They just need to work harder... stop lacking ambition" ... "Be born to better parents."

I think this blogger gets it.

Otomi Wall Mural

2012-02-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

I'm loving this Otomi textiles-inspired wall mural in turquoise, blogged about HERE. If a little magical elf came and did this to my kid's room, I'd have to marry it. The elf, not the room.

The Woman in Black

2012-01-31T12:40:00.000-08:00

I finished reading Susan Hill's "The Woman in Black" today at about 4:15 am. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight either. Or ever again for that matter.

I definitely need to change my pants.

It got me, it got me good.

The movie (starring Daniel Radcliffe) hits U.S. theaters this week. I don't think I can watch it.

I'm dying to know (puns rule) what the long-running London play was like, as in how on earth they managed to prevent the audience from tearing out of the theatre, screaming.

For those of you with excess intestinal fortitude, I'd recommend reading it. For the other 99% of people, not so much. I love me some scary stories, but this book was just too much, even for me. Consider yourselves warned, scary moviegoers!

Pod People Infecting Retirees Through Their TVs!!

2012-01-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

My Dad retired in December, at age 66. So far he is loving it. He's been writing, spending time with his beloved dogs, and even hanging out at a local senior center (where he's the youngest person by about 15+ years - but he absolutely loves chatting with WWII vets, so it works for him).

He has also started watching more television.

Specifically, more Fox News.

You already know where I'm going with this.

I'm talking to him on the phone yesterday while waiting for DS's martial arts class to end, and then suddenly my dad blindsides me with this anti-Obama rant about how some "administrative law judge down in Georgia heard a case about Barack Obama not being a 'natural born citizen' because his father was not a U.S. citizen, and Obama's lawyer did not even bother to show up to the hearing so now he won't be on the election ballot..."

Birther shizz? Seriously? I thought we were past this.

My response was something like "Dad, I believe this question was settled once and for all when Hawaii released the President's long form birth certificate ages ago. So I really don't want to hear anything more about it. If you don't like Obama's policies, that's one thing - we can talk about that, but these ridiculous attacks on his person are just not appropriate, and I think it's time you turned off the TV."

He took it ok. "Alright, I won't discuss Obama with you anymore."

It was kind of sad. Maybe I overreacted. This is something he's passionate about and I'm basically saying get a life!

But I can't help but think this is precisely what is wrong with America. People perseverating about the wrong damn things, when we have Real Problems. I totally see where the elderly learn their politics. Gah.

Feedback for a Rule-Obsessed Kid

2012-01-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

Our local friends have a 10-year-old son, S, and an 8-year-old daughter, I, who are these amazingly delightful young people. So naturally, we are always hitting our friends up for real life parenting advice. They are often reluctant to give it; and they insist they make a lot of mistakes - great parents and they're very humble, too.

They had us over for dinner last night and this anecdote came up about E, their 10-year-old son S's friend and classmate. (E's little sister happens to be in DS's preschool class at Montessori; small world this Podunkville.) Anyway, they mentioned that E has kind of slowly become this mini Persona Non Grata in S's little 5th grade boys friend clique, because whenever the boys play any sort of game with rules, E freaks out about everyone exactly following them and gets kind of yelly, and not so very fun to be around. Subsequently, S did not want to initially invite E to his recent birthday party, but then S later felt bad about leaving E out ( S = an emotionally intelligent kid with a conscience), thought better of it, and invited E all on his own with no prompting from any of the parents. (Gold star for you, S).

At the party, all of the boys played with Nerf guns around these huge dirt mounds where new homes were being built. It was a great time for all, until E started to loudly disagree about the vaunted rules being broken... blah blah blah bottom line: no one wants to play with E anymore, but no one has yet to actually say anything to E or E's parents about why E isn't quite meshing with the other boys, and why more invites probably won't be forthcoming. Which got me thinking about the giving and the getting of feedback in general.

I wonder if E's parents mistakenly think E's being left out is the result of some kind of quasi-bullying.

If E were my kid, I'd like to think I'd appreciate some honest, caring feedback about E's rule-obsessed behavior at play, and how it's making his friends feel and then respond. That being said, imagine being on the receiving end of that kind of a phone conversation. "Hi, your kid doesn't play well with the others." Ouch, but again, stuff I'd theoretically want to hear.

It sounds to (touchy feely, therapy-lovin') me like E could certainly benefit from a couple of sessions of play therapy that would give him a safe space to test out his ideas about rules. Of course, I'd never have the balls to recommend such a thing. Which is a shame, really. E might never get the constructive feedback that could bring him closer to his peers who actually do like him.

Your thoughts?

Blogstipation

2012-01-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

I'm currently suffering from blogstipation. But I did want to check in.

Dooce is getting divorced. So are Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis, and so are Heidi Klum & Seal. Divorce never fails to shock me, although given the obvious stats, it shouldn't.

Joe Paterno is dead. I shouldn't be happy about that. The brief "tribute" to him that I caught on ESPN the other day was nauseating. It doesn't matter if he was Santa Fucking Claus himself - he knew a child got raped and did nothing about it. If that isn't the very definition of being failure at life then I don't know what is.

I saw the movie "Melancholia" and for the first time ever in my own personal filmgoing history, I don't know if I loved it or hated it. It is very beautiful, very disturbing, and extremely enigmatic. I'd say see it but I'm not even sure that's good advice. DH and I are still talking about it days later, so perhaps it is.

It's nice to hear people say nice things about my children. DD's babysitter's mom came up to me at the ski hill to tell me how smart her daughter thinks DD is... because the last time the babysitter took care of her, DD talked lovingly about her vagina the entire time. (Yep, that's my child alright.) DS's teacher told me he doesn't like a lot of chit chat during his snack time at Montessori. A girl was attempting to talk with him over their carrots and raisins, and DS told her "Why don't we play the quiet game now?"

My Xmas Decor Is Still Up

2012-01-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Now subtract 10 days from today. My life right now is stuck there. I'm behind on everything that doesn't involve work or skiing. Today - 10 days = About Where I Actually Am.

Yep, it's ski season in Podunkville. It is kind of the time sink equivalent of us having another half of a child. In a good way. DS attends ski school every weekend and he loves it. We think this is directly correlated to the service of hot chocolate at ski school. DD will try out the rope tow with us in about a month when we can get and start using her pass for next season when she'll be 3. We all got cute new/handed down ski outfits this year. Yay us.

A local friend's 3-year-old son actually just broke his leg skiing. For some reason I can't explain, I actually used to think small kids were somehow immune to ski injuries like that.

In other news, DH's work had a holiday party after the holidays (great idea, that), but sadly it was at the home of a mean coworker of his, aka Bill Clinton/Don Draper. BC/DD is now dating a 22-year-old employee, who greeted us at the door and showed us all around the house that BC/DD's ex-wife decorated. Even though we'd been there many times before, during the period when she was in high school a few years ago. It was a total Twin Peaks experience. DH and I decided we'd feel like failures if our kids turned out like BC/DD in any way, shape, or form.

This is kind of a scattered post, I know. I promise something more substantive in about T + 15.

How did everyone survive the holidays? Talk to me.

On Hiatus

2011-12-11T14:45:00.000-08:00

This will be my last blog post of 2012. I'll try not to disappoint. But I warn you I'm kind of not in a great head space. Lately I haven't really been feeling the blogging bug; I'm going to chalk that up to how much I kind of don't like this time of year. Thank you, shitty-ish childhood Xmas memories of my parents fighting. They should have gone to counseling like us. Bah humbug. Sometimes it is hard to get over childhood pain. I should be thankful I suppose that mine is relatively minor, yet it still casts a pallor over this season for me.

Our holiday cards are all in the mail. We've started getting a few, too. The husband's name has appeared first in about 90% of them. Sigh... (Inside I'm screaming go read your ETIQUETTE!)

I recently had a stomach bug and lost a little bit of weight due to some gross GI tract issues. The result? I officially lost count of all of the "You look so great!" comments I've been getting this week. Sad commentary on the society we live in, eh? Where sickly whittled down = better looking in the eyes of many.

We're off to my parents' house 2 time zones away for a long winter break starting later this week. I seriously can't wait. I love how we get to pretty much stop being a mom and dad when we visit there - once we walk in the door the kids suddenly start to look to my parents for every need. That right there is the best Xmas present ever.

In other news, some members of my Pretty Good book club have decided to have a discussion about changing the way we choose books. The current book selection method is as follows: each of the 12 members is asked to host one monthly meeting anywhere they like, and choose the month's book, and reserve copies for the rest of the group at the local library. The problem giving rise to the need for the "discussion" is that 2 of the members have been waiting until the last minute to choose a book from the long library list - leaving us with some truly horrid book choices. Instead of talking to the offenders directly, it looks like we are all going to choose as a group the books we'll read each year - there will be no individual choices anymore. Hmm. I guess that will help raise the overall quality. Yet there have been a handful of times when the assigned book an individual selected was a little more esoteric, or funky, or a classic, or great stuff that book clubs don't typically read. I fear we're going to lose that, and we'll migrate into Traditional Book Club fare. And I reeeally don't want to read "A Thousand Splendid Suns." No offense.

In merrier news, my kids are awesome. DD met Santa the other day and told him to fuck off. "No Santa, Don't Hold Me! Go Away, Santa!" Awesome. Her brother, on the other hand, couldn't get enough of the big red man. While on his lap, DS took the opportunity to question Santa about how he is able to fit all of the toys for all of the world's children in his small sleigh. Santa was stumped. He muttered something about his elves working overtime and making multiple trips, and carrying a lot of toys in his bag, too. At this rate, my guess is we'll have a believer for about 1 more Christmas season, tops.

Have a great rest of the year, all! What's happening at your house these days?

When Keeping It Real Goes Right, Book Club Edition

2011-11-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

My "Other" book club met last night, that is, the book club I joined about a year ago hoping it would be a welcome contra to the original shitty, ginormous Podunkville book club of 25 people I was invited to join when we first moved here 3 odd years ago. And in many respects it has been.

If you've been reading me awhile, you know the importance of being in a book club in Podunkville - that's how you get the information you need to make it here in business, family and in life. Maybe it's a small town thing.

The truth is, Other Book Club is usually boring. After the last several meetings, I've gone home each time thinking I needed to gently break up with these folks but I couldn't bring myself to do it; because as I've already said I need the info being a member of the group can provide. Our book club seems to be missing a certain spark. Everyone is perfectly "nice." And sometimes "nice" is really grating, and not enough. Part of the problem is none of the members are really outspoken or funny or vibrant. Least of all introverted me.

Last night I decided to take the risk of being really honest about what I truly thought of the book. Holy hell, I hated the book so much so that I finally felt I had to keep it real.

The actual title of the book is irrelevant. Bottom line: it sucked out loud. I'm just grateful it was a library book. It was this ridiculous, poorly-written, fictional tale of a dysfunctional Oregonian family where everyone - children, mothers, the differently-abled - gets violently raped. Literally, I lost count of the number of assaults and rapes detailed in the damn book. And I mean it when I say none of it was at all essential to plot or character development. It was one of those shitty 450-ish-page books that on the surface feels female empowering, but when you dig deeper it is totally antifeminist, complete with those tired old "mother must be punished for having an abortion" tropes, and going back to the absentee dad thereby affirming the power of traditional marriage bullshit. It depicted a developmentally disabled character in a troubling "magical" and "inspirational" light, and with a certain dialogue that just did not ring true. And I kept thinking to myself "I just don't believe any of this could be real." I could go on and on, but I won't. Strangely, it has gotten glowing reviews online except for one negative one out of 87 that reassured me I was not taking crazy pills for hating it.

So I said pretty much all of that out loud at book club. And lo and behold, some of the other members revealed they felt like I did. We had a deep conversation about it. I felt like everyone was heard and respected. I even felt like I understood the rationale of the couple who loved the book - although I won't be jotting down their book recommendations, nor they mine, I came away liking them as people. What a pleasant feeling.

How about your book club experiences? Have you read anything lately in a group or on your own that really spoke to you? ("Wolf Hall" is on my list, thanks @Paola, as well as "Kindred" by Octavia Butler, thanks @Cloud.)

20 Albums Meme

2011-11-28T05:12:00.000-08:00

I'm answering @Anandi's call for a list of the top 20 albums that have influenced my life. I purposely stayed away from "Greatest Hits" albums, because I wanted more of a challenge. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Doolittle - The Pixies. Back in the day, I included songs from this wonderful little album on pretty much every mixtape I ever made. There was a time in my life where, if you were a boy, knowledge of this band was a prerequisite for talking to me. Incidentally, I had the opportunity to see them in concert the week before I got married. Amazing.

2. The Beatles (a.k.a. The White Album) - The Beatles. Man, I totally grew up on this record. See, my parents are very musically literate and did not abide "children's music." This was their version of the music they thought children ought to be experiencing at all times. None of that Disco Duck crap, thank you.

3. Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys. Another one of my classic childhood albums that was always playing in the background. Yes, I realize its release actually pre-dated my childhood by several years. No matter.

4. Thriller - Michael Jackson. Though I believe in my heart of hearts that he was a ped, and that perhaps we should all be thanking a certain tranquilizing-prescribing MD instead of imprisoning him, I can't deny how much this album once meant to me. I can still do every step of the Thriller dance upon request (which is never).

5. London Calling - The Clash. Every damn song is good.

6. Rumours - Fleetwood Mac. Reminds me of every road trip I've ever taken. I love Stevie.

7. The Joshua Tree - U2. Hands down the best U2 album, and they've put out so many good ones.

8. Led Zeppelin II - Led Zeppelin. It was also hard to pick just one Led Zep album.

9. Let It Bleed - The Rolling Stones. Again, they've put out so many great albums, but this is a standout for me because it includes my favorite song of theirs "You Can't Always Get What You Want." True dat.

10. Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd. I've never tried playing this album along with the movie "The Wizard of Oz" on mute - but they are supposed to be in sync. Someday when my kids are old enough to appreciate it, we'll have to try that.

11. The Doors - The Doors. "Crystal Ship" is probably my fave, in addition to all the songs of theirs everyone and their mom has heard a million times. And by the way, Val Kilmer made a fantastic movie version of Jim Morrison, IMHO. He wore the same black leather pants for the entire shoot. I bet that smelled lovely.

12. Appetite for Destruction - Guns n' Roses. Despite being released in the 80s, and all that perhaps implies, his album has aged so well. They never got lame.

13. Remain in Light - Talking Heads. I can't get enough of T.H. So many excellent songs.

14. Nevermind - Nirvana. Came out when I was in high school. Instant love affair with their sound. How I never got sick of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is totally beyond me.

15. Parallel Lines - Blondie. I want to be Debbie Harry when I grow up, but I'm too tall, too brunette, and can't sing. Keep hope alive though.

16. Substance - New Order. My DH totally hates "that synthy poppy crap" but I cannot get enough. This album will always be cool to play at parties.

17. Tapestry - Carole King. My favorite 70s singer-songwriter. Her version of the Shirelles '61 hit "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" is so beautiful.

18. Sam's Town - The Killers. The most recent album (2006) on my list. Guess that means I don't think very much memorable music is being put out today. Yes, I'm looking at you Ke$ha.

19. The Chronic - Dr. Dre. Instant classic. I loved Snoop Dogg's contributions to this album, too.

20. Pretty Hate Machine - Nine Inch Nails. TR made this album pretty much singlehandedly in a studio where he once worked as a janitor, if I'm not mistaken. He's gone on to do some good work on movie soundtracks.

Holiday Card Etiquette

2011-11-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

I've got some heavy things happening in my life right now. I still can't stop thinking about the evils perpetrated at Penn State. A close friend is divorcing. Another was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Another can't get pregnant, and has exhausted all treatment options. So I feel the need to do a post on the lighter side.

Let's be vapid and talk about holiday cards.

We just ordered ours. We send them every year, and we love getting them. Yes, even the ones with the 500+-word supplemental essays sharing how the supergenius kids are on the honor roll again, and telling cruise ship stories. Good for you. I mean that. But if I'm not related to you, please don't send one my way. A simple card will do.

We always put a picture of the kids on our cards, but we never include DH and me in the picture. I hear that's a southern thing, though we are definitely not southern. And we're not fugly or anything, it's just - well, we prefer to see people's kids and pets, and not so much them. Especially not them in the picture every year. Depends on the personalities involved, I know, but it just seems vain. Anyway, there's just nothing better than seeing how the kids have grown and changed. Love it.

It irks me when people do not follow the proper card etiquette. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: Um, what about "it's the thought that counts," not everyone cares about etiquette, blah blah blah. It is something I just can't help but notice, ok? Kind of like my issue with walking into someone's home and seeing pictures hanging way too high, making the ceiling look shorter. I would never say something IRL, of course.

Yes, I know I have a problem.

I'm a big proponent of Old School Etiquette. (Although from the coarse language I use on this blog, I can see how that might not be too obvious.) I'm talking Miss Manners, Crane's Blue Books and the like. There is nothing worse for me than to get a well-designed card from a faraway friend, then I keep reading and I see the order of the names, and notice that they are listed incorrectly! Gah!

PSA time: When informally listing the names of members of a (hetero) family, PUT THE WIFE'S NAME FIRST. Ladies first, people.

Happy Holidays!

Love,

Wilma and Fred Flintstone

Bam Bam and Pebbles

The Flintstone Family

Wilma, Fred, Bam Bam and Pebbles (you could put a comma after Bam Bam's name if you want, or use the "&" sign)

However, when using the formal, such as "Mr. and Dr." - the (hetero) husband's name goes first. And if no one changed their names when they got married or shacked up, RESPECT THAT and use their Actual Names.

Ms. Goldie Hawn and Mr. Kurt Russell

Duh.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Wear Blue This Saturday

2011-11-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD ABUSE, RAPE

The Board of Trustees of Penn State has fired head football coach Joe Paterno. Having read the grand jury report (and by the way, I suggest you don't - it is truly horrific) it was the least they could do. Paterno knew, and he did nothing.

Here's how some members of the student body responded:

"Demonstrators tore down two lamp posts, one falling into a crowd. They also threw rocks and fireworks at the police, who responded with pepper spray. The crowd undulated like an accordion, with the students crowding the police and the officers pushing them back. “We got rowdy, and we got maced,” Jeff Heim, 19, said rubbing his red, teary eyes. “But make no mistake, the board started this riot by firing our coach. They tarnished a legend.”

When I read accounts like the above, it makes me want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with our culture?

How is it that so many people can know that children are being abused, but not one of them can pick up the phone and dial 911 to report the crime?

As a parent, I am grappling with how to process this. My son will probably play baseball, though a small part of me hopes he does not. He'll encounter this fucked up male sports culture bullshit someday. Even if he chooses not to play - it's in the American culture.

I know I'm not sounding terribly articulate here. This is really bothering me, and I don't really have the words.

A therapist I respect has said that after about age 5, too many boys stop getting physical affection from their parents. As if at some point their parents deem them too big to hug and kiss. I've seen it all around me. Sometimes boys look to athletics and their coaches to fill this need for affection and physical contact and belonging in a group. This is also the point where predators know boys are particularly vulnerable.

I need to go hug my children now.

Wear blue on Saturday - the color of child abuse awareness.

Assorted Updates for My Long-time Readers

2011-11-04T05:35:00.000-07:00

This post just might read like a series of very random thoughts. I want to share some updates about some of the people and issues I've posted about in recent and not so recent months.

Remember my son's play-dough obsession at Montessori? I met with DS's teacher. It was my first parent-teacher-student conference, which is kind of a funny thing to call it considering DS just turned 4. What a great meeting. I walked away feeling so impressed with the program there, and so proud of the person my son is and is becoming. When I originally posted, my dear commenters were unanimously adamant that there is nothing "wrong" with a 4-year-old having a healthy obsession with play dough. Turns out the teacher agreed with all of you completely! He wanted to meet with me to let me know that this is what DS had been choosing to spend his time on at school, but soon moved on to other "works" and showed me what he's been drawn to. He assured me this is all well and good and as it should be, and he wanted to get from me a sense of what DS's passions are (that question is a real stumper, actually. DS is kind of a learning omnivore. He's as passionate about jigsaw puzzles as he is about the song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele. Good luck finding an overarching theme there.)

I remain so impressed that the teacher cares so much, and keeps the class small despite a long wait list so that he can devote a lot of attention to the needs of each kid. He shared with me the story of his own daughter's experience at a different local Montessori where there was no communication at all with parents about their children's experiences there everyday. Turned out, his daughter spent an entire year coloring at Montessori, and no one there even noticed. Ultimately he felt this failed to prepare her for K, and in his own school he has vowed to keep notes on the kids and keep parents in the loop by having mandatory conferences periodically, and by sharing videos and photos of what's going on in class. I don't know that this high-level of communication is typical for "Montessori" schools, but we are absolutely loving it. And DS got rave reviews - he really is a sweet, caring kid who is a "calming influence" on some of the older, wilder girls and boys. Man, they are so different at school than they are at home!

Remember when our sitter suddenly needed to take time off because her daughter cried a lot about having to go to Kindergarten? Her daughter is enjoying school now. And apparently eating the 'good enough' lunch already. Sitter's back to working for us as regularly scheduled, so my work is no longer suffering, thank you baby jeebus! The recent debacle prompted a long term plans discussion, and it looks like we can count on Sitter being with us until at least March 1, so the search is on for her replacement. Appreciated the ample notice, Sitter. I also have secured a spot for DD at Montessori next fall, so really the only potential child care gap will be March 1-mid June. Once summer hits, we can easily find a college student.

The couple that moved to Podunkville recently with the wife who makes shitty comparisons? No, we're definitely not going to be BFF's. Not at all. Though I've been trying to be gracious. Like inviting them to trick-or-treat with us. Hanging out every few weeks is about all I can stomach. My kids apparently agree. Her DD, same age as mine, has a hitting issue that my kids can't stand. And her son is turning out to be a bit of a problem child at school, but is an angel at home so that is throwing them for a loop it seems. Trying hard not to have any Schadenfreude-ish moments nor place any unfair labels on what I'm seeing. la la la! I've tried introducing her to nice people, including my sweet friend C, but it turns out perhaps not shockingly C isn't much of a fan of hers either. I'm glad I'm not actively being mean about it. Except behind her back on the internets, of course, of course... Thanks, I had to get that off my chest!

Continuing on in the "shitty female acquaintances you just can't seem to shake department," my ex-friend, M, the lying liar who lies to get out of paying her share of a hotel bill has been successfully demoted to casual acquaintance. I'll see her in groups every couple of months, otherwise I'm remaining Perpetually Busy. She sent me these odd texts recently about getting together for coffee or a walk, then wishing me a good trip when I wasn't going on one, and now I really think there is a dementia diagnosis in her future, unfortunately. Perhaps she really did "forget" she agreed to a hotel stay on her trip. At this point though, it certainly no longer matters. Sad.

And in ancient history (not really) update news - anyone remember local yokels Bill Clinton and his now-ex-wife Skeletor? Those are some not very nice names I gave them, I know. Do they deserve them though? Hells yes. I mention them now because Bill Clinton is the first real life person I've ever known to actually personify that old-fashioned, Don Draper-ish stereotype of the middle-aged divorced guy who suddenly starts dating his much younger secretary. Can you say "Walking Stereotype?" The new girlfriend is a 22-year-old subordinate who DH says is not too bright. Bill Clinton's oldest child is 10-years-old. You do the math, people! Skeletor has also moved on, and she too is dating a 20-something dimwit who reportedly dyed their daughter's hair jet black and gave it a severe crop, taking her from Marcia Brady to Coraline. How the mighty have fallen. Two short years ago, they were in the running for America's Preppiest Family. Oh, and the kids recently contracted lice, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that the old them would not have been having any of that. And Daddy who has primary custody hasn't been following the treatment protocol, so everyone in my Shitty Book Club is really mad at him right now. It's a real shitshow. One of those cases that makes you question that almost-always valid presumption that it's better to divorce and get the kids far away from the parents' toxicity. I guess in some rare cases like this, sometimes each of the parents go on to find themselves in a whole new set of toxicities. Gah.

End update rant.

So I finally read "Free Range Kids"

2011-10-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Book review time. Our topic today is a recent book whose mere title alone has become a new catchphrase in the parenting vernacular: "Free Range Kids" by Lenore Skenazy.

I really wanted to love it. Really I did. I had heard both good and bad things about this Free Range concept everywheres. The whole idea is pretty polarizing - and falsely dichotomous, I might add. As though most of us are either these Overprotective Ninnies or Risky Child Endangerers. Dr. Laura doesn't like it, so I figured that meant I would probably love it. Yeah, not so much.

Now that I've finally read it, allow me to share my shitty opinion. DH read it too, and he was a lot less charitable than I'm about to be, so I'll go ahead and share his shitty opinion, too. I'll try my best to be brief.

What I said to myself after finishing it and returning it to my local library: "Ouch. The author has a lot of unresolved hurt feelings about the way she was treated and mis-labeled in the media when she published her account of putting her 9-year-old son on the NY subway alone. I sympathize with her. Sucks to be judged like that. And she is clearly not over it, nor should she necessarily be, however let's not forget she CHOSE to put her shit out there with her real name and her son's real (?) name on it, so honestly, whatever did she expect?." (BTW, I love that she put "America's Worst Mom" on the front cover of the version I read. I chuckled every time I saw it.)

Let's be real for a moment: if folks suddenly started going around calling me "America's Worst Mom" you bet your ass my memoir posing as a parenting book would come across as more than a bit defensive of my various parenting choices. That, or I'd have to spend a crapload of time and money with my therapist. And therein lies my basic problem with Skenazy's musings in "FRK" - taken together, they lack a sense of intellectual, research-based rigor free from this sense of painful, righteous indignation about how she was personally hurt. Yes, she was the victim of media bullying and unfortunately, her book read like she was lashing out, grasping at straws trying to prove those mean bullies wrong. As a result, I didn't find her arguments terribly convincing. Let me give you a flavor.

Among many other helpful hints, Skenazy suggests parents let their school-age kids walk alone to the bus stop, or all the way to school. She cites lowered rates of violent crimes against children, and mentions the increasing dangers of having more cars on the road when parents drive their kids to school. She says if you look at the numbers, we have nothing statistically-significant to fear about strangers who abduct children. Our kids are getting fat, antisocial, and vitamin-D deficient because we keep them inside all the time because we're scared of kidnappers. Conclusion? Just let them walk to the bus stop alone like we did in the proverbial good old days, you overprotective parents, you.

Then she goes on to say, (I'm paraphrasing) "Well, actually my own sister was often bullied on the way to school by older kids, and neither she nor I ever told our parents about it, so the bullying continued and she was maybe scarred for life, but you parents today can overcome that by being close to your kids and asking them if they're being bullied!" Um, no. Read the research on kids who are bullied. News flash: they don't usually tell their parents!

I'm with Skenazy on the 'don't irrationally fear the strange adult' bit. I say read Gavin de Becker's "Protecting the Gift" - teach your kids never to leave anywhere with an adult they don't know - do teach them to talk to adults they don't know, especially women with kids, in order to ask for help. However, we part company in one key area. For my kids' sake, I actually do fear some of the other kids they'll encounter. That, to me, is one of the biggest dangers to my kids' well-being. Raise your hand if you've never been teased or bullied or worse. Yep. Both DH and I have. Luckily nothing too traumatizing though. And no surprise, we didn't tell our parents either. I'm digressing. Where was I? Oh yes, it irked me that Skenazy didn't fully analyze and process the account of her sister's bullying, and put it in context. Really, what are the best practices for helping our kids thrive despite bullying? That would have been really helpful reading, way moreso than making fun of parents who buy baby knee pads and shopping cart covers.

As I've already mentioned, DH also read the book, then said: "You know, fun ideas to think about here. I enjoy the novelty of it all, but when the main thesis doesn't really pass the sniff test, I'm not buying it. 'Let your kids ride public transit alone! Give them a note for when police and conductors will inevitably stop them that reads 'My mom knows where I am!' - Huh? I don't think so. I guess it all depends on the context, sure, like the kid who grew up riding the Manhattan subway since age 2 would be fine to do it alone at 9 perhaps, but not with my kids living in Podunkville who did not, obviously. If you're so passionate about wanting kids to roam free like chickens why live in a large city where that's arguably hardest to accomplish? There just have got to be other ways to teach the values she holds dear - independence, confidence, freedom from fear - letting the kids take calculated risks without resorting to gimmicky, headline-grabbing shit that just doesn't ring true as a smart thing to do."

Amen, DH, he made me laugh. So did various parts of the book actually. I can see why Skenazy was a successful newspaper columnist; she writes with an urban, sophisticated flair. In summation: "FRK" was a memorable read, capturing an interesting slice of the cultural zeitgeist; though I'm glad I didn't shell out any money for it; this is not a book we are going to parent by, but I suppose it is good food for thought.

Has anyone else read it? Or not? I'm tossing around a few other intentionally polarizing-tastic parenting memoirs/how-to guides to review here, pending availability at my local library. Tiger Mom, I've got yours in my sights.

Octopuses, not octopi

2011-10-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

It's not everyday you read something that instantly makes you feel like a kid again. This delightful article on the minds of octopuses totally transported me back to being about 9-years-old, feeling full of wonder about the cool possibilities out there in the natural world.

I also learned a new grammatical point: "Octopuses, not octopi, is now considered the correct plural among the octopus intelligentsia. Octopi has been discarded as the plural because of its Latin ending on a Greek word."

Two October Birthdays, One October Anniversary

2011-10-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

October is a very big month here at Casa hush. First comes DD's birthday, followed a week later by our wedding anniversary (7 Year Itch, anyone?), then DS's birthday, then Halloween.

If we had known then that we'd be so fertile around Christmastime, we probably would have re-thought the whole fall wedding idea. That said, I remain a huge fan of fall weddings. We got married in a large-ish Midwestern city, on one of those unseasonably warm, sunny October Saturdays. It was something like 70 degrees outside. We were such lucky bastards.

Every year on our anniversary we break out the photo album. This was the first year the kids really noticed the photos, and seemed to enjoy looking at them. I have to pat myself on the back a little bit: my wedding gown has aged really well. It was a form-fitting, lace-embellished gown, in the style of Monique Lhuillier. I think some of our guests thought it looked very conservative and maybe even a bit grannyish back in 2004, but it would fit right in with today's bridal fashions. Of all people, it was my mother who convinced me that it was, in fact, The Dress. She urged me not to go with the type of strapless, poufy skirt number that was all the rage circa 2001-2005. That was the first and only piece of fashion advice my mother ever gave me. And 7 years later, I still have to say: Hey thanks, mom. You were right.

So, DD is now 2 and DS is now 4. We no longer have any children in diapers, nor drinking from bottles, nor sleeping in cribs. Mostly we all sleep fine at night - if they wake up and get lonely, the kids just crawl into our ginormous bed. We seriously thought this time would never come. It is so good.

Halloween is the last of our Big 4 October events. We have 2 parties to go to this weekend, and on Monday we'll do some trick-or-treating in our friends' neighborhood. We live too far out in the country to ever get any trick-or-treaters ourselves. DS wants to dress up as either Iron Man or Captain America. Bummer. The days of my son in cute, cuddly Halloween attire are apparently over. DD is going as a bumble bee. I know it won't be long before she asks to be a frickin' princess. Gah. My friend who is Halloween-obsessed and also has a 4-year-old, was lamenting the fact that her daughter chose a "racy kitten" costume this year. Major bummer.

In other news, there is an older girl at DS's school who has a major crush on him. She keeps drawing him notes with stories and pictures depicting their future together. It is really too funny. The girl's mom approached me after class yesterday and joked about how we're going to be future in-laws. DS seems oblivious to it, and simply says "yeah, she's my friend." I think it's his utter nonchalance that keeps her coming back for more.

The Proper Responses?

2011-10-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just don't know what to say in a particular situation. I wish I were one of those people who can think clearly on their feet, and who immediately knows *exactly* what to say in response to something someone says that is outrageously off. (I generally think of a good response several hours or days later.) Anyway, twice this week I found myself on the receiving end of 2 very awkward comments from 2 different people in Podunkville. Allow me to share them and get your feedback.

The first outrageously odd comment, to which naturally I didn't know at all how to respond, came from my neighbor, a woman about my age who has 2 kids about my kids' ages. Our kids were playing when suddenly she brought up the local elementary school close to our homes and said the following: "Now, I'm not a racist or anything, but I'm not comfortable sending my son to a school where he'll be the only white kid in class and will have no friends." She mentioned that several white families she knows have opted out of the school in fear of the putative majority Latino presence there.

Wow. First of all, whenever anyone prefaces any statement with the assertion "I'm not a racist or anything, but..." it means they're about to say something crazy racist!

Secondly, on all of the basic educational metrics people usually like to examine in order to make such school comparisons, it's not even close: our neighborhood school has been nationally-recognized for excellent test scores; and also has the benefit of small class sizes, and an extremely cohesive team of teachers using an educational model proven by peer-reviewed research. Yes, my neighbor is correct - there is a sizeable Latino population at the school, however the numbers show that her white son would certainly NOT be in the "minority."

I'm appalled that she thinks that the racial make-up of a potential class even matters - that is, it seems to matter to her if whites are not the super-majority. Because she hates the very idea of her kids associating with Mexican-American kids so much, she's planning to send her children to a different school that is mediocre on every measure - with lower test scores, larger class sizes, and where she'll have to drive them and have a longer commute. Seriously, I give up.

When someone says something racist, and moreover, doesn't even have their basic facts straight about the topic, where do you even begin? Ugh.

My actual response was something borderline incoherent, followed by "Well, have you actually visited the school or talked to any of the teachers or the administrators? I can also give you the names of several parents with multiple kids who go there and absolutely love it...."

WTF, right?

Moving on to the 2nd awkward Podunkville comment of the week. If you're still reading, it's not nearly as awful as the first comment, it's just irritating. I'll be brief. In fact, I'll just paraphrase what was said.

Bottom line: when someone you know earns upwards of $300k/year after taxes, and their only debt is a reasonable mortgage on a home they got for a steal (it's their only debt because their father is uber wealthy and paid for all schooling/professional degrees), and yet they routinely mention how "poor" and how "on a really tight budget" they are, and how they simply can't afford to pay for new clothes for their kid, and get all 'woe is me' when the bill comes? Um, yeah. Not getting a lot of sympathy from me. But what does one say when presented with icky comments about it, that have zero basis in economic reality?

Ok, so, obviously, I have a problem with 1) statements made from a place of racism, and with 2) people not bothering to get their basic educational facts straight before turning their backs on a perfectly good public school, and also with 3) objectively affluent people bitching about things they think they can't afford, when really they're just cheap and probably extremely selfish. Good to know these triggers about myself!

How do you handle your triggers when they come up in a conversation? Do you know what to say at the right moment? Do you say anything at all?

American Horror Story, and a play dough obsession

2011-10-11T14:52:00.001-07:00

Anyone have too much time on their hands and need another TV show to start watching? Want to be scared shitless by a TV show with only a mere TV-MA rating?

Then you need to start watching American Horror Story on FX. It debuted on Oct 5th, so catch the second episode tomorrow night, Oct 12. It stars recognizable-faced Dylan McDermott, Vera Farmiga's little sister, the fabulous Ms. Jessica Lange, and one of my personal favorite character actors in the history of ever, Mr. Denis O'Hare (aka Russell Edgington from True Blood).

The premise? A therapist's family getting over some late-term miscarriage and infidelity trauma moves into a haunted house in L.A., and of course all hell breaks loose!

Don't say I didn't warn you - it's SCEERY!

In other news, I take DD to an organized playgroup one morning a week. It is so precious to hear her call her new little playmates by name, and ask for them repeatedly after we go home. I love how she adorably mispronounces some of their names.

DS is apparently obsessed with play dough at Montessori. So much so that his teacher approached me to talk about how we might encourage him to branch out into trying some of the other works available to him at school. I replaced all of the off-brand play doh we'd been using at home (which DS told his teacher was too hard,) and that he liked the softer dough at school better. Then we encouraged DS to play with the new dough all weekend, which he did, happily. We'll see if this helps him get over his obsession, or whether it just continues to feed it. His explanation? "I just really love it."

Makes perfect sense to me.

Sitters Who Just Can't Handle Vegas

2011-10-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

My DD turned 2 yesterday. Wow. I can't even begin to put into words how blissfully happy and how incredibly sad that makes me. She is our last child. Loads of "womb wistfulness" just like @caramama says. Amen.

We had a fantastic, fantastic, much-needed trip. We ate the shit out of the Big City. Saw my flaky, yet golden-hearted BFF and her new baby. Glad we could make that happen. I feel great about it. I also feel great about my marriage. Hard to believe we ever needed counseling (boy, did we though.)

Came home to an odd conversation from the woman who watches one or both of my kids a couple days a week so I can work. Apparently, her third daughter, who just started Kindergarten one month ago, is having a hard time 1) adjusting to leaving her house for school in the morning, and 2) eating lunch at school without her mother present. Let me clarify: her daughter loves her teacher, loves what she is learning in school once she actually gets there, but throws a tantrum and locks herself in the bathroom every morning that her mother is not there to personally escort her to school. Neither her aunt nor her 2 older sisters have been able to reach her. And she is apparently losing weight due to not eating at school unless her mother is there. The actual food quality is not the issue, it is just that she won't eat it unless her mother is there. Can you say 'Holy Manipulation, Batman!?' And she's been to the doctor with a lot of what I think is 100% psychosomatic stuff going on this month. I get it: this is a little, 5.5-year-old kid who Just Can't Be Without Her Mother. And a mother with Good Intentions But Very Poor Boundaries.

What I don't get is our sitter's chosen response to the behavior. Instead of finding some way to deal with the child's behavior, and actually work with her on it, she thinks she needs to acquiesce and just quit working so that she can be present at her daughter's school every day at drop off and lunch. WTF? This is the thought that apparently entered her mind when she told me about it: "Hmm, I'll ask my employer to give me 2 weeks off, and then I'll finally decide if I'm going to come back or not."

Um, it doesn't usually work that way.

Unfortunately, we don't live in a place with any decent daycare, nor with any sort of nanny placement agency. Sitters are all found via word of mouth, which actually works quite well in a small town with a strong rumor mill, but the lead time is very long. Ugh. Wish us luck, please. Because there is no work/life balance happening at my house right now!

I know what you're thinking. "Fire her! This is some unprofessional shizz on top of some other unprofessional shizz!" But seriously? I simply can't right now. There is no one else to replace her. Work-wise I'm so screwed if she leaves now. So I need her to hang in there for just a few more weeks. I need good help - a known quantity who I can trust both with my kids and my valuables. You'd be shocked at how hard that is to come by in Podunkville. We've tried. Say what I will about her choices vis-a-vis her Kindergartner, and her predilection for Too Much Honesty with me, her hapless employer; I know my kids are thriving in her care, and we're better off with her in our lives at this time.

The logistics of life really, really suck sometimes.

I just need someone who will show up for just 11 more months! Then DD can go to the Montessori preschool, and I can BREATHE.

Am I the only one out there with sitters who just can't handle Vegas?

P.S. Bonus points if anyone knows that movie reference.

Before I Leave Town

2011-09-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

We're heading out of town tomorrow for a week-long trip to visit family and friends in the Midwest. This will include 3 days, 3 nights of away-from-the-kids time for just me and DH. Can't wait! We desperately need to recharge the marital batteries. Short getaways always do us a world of good.

We're really lucky that my folks are so unbelievably awesome with our kids. They beg us to take trips like this where they watch the kids so we can have some alone time. And the kids beg for it, too. DS has been counting down the days, and planning all of the things they're going to do together in the Bigger City. The excitement in the house is palpable.

Also on the books is a visit with one of my BFF's, S, who just had her second baby at the end of August - her son is almost 3. Planning the part of the visit where we hope to see her has actually been a huge pain in the ass. You see, S has many, many amazing qualities, but is just not a very organized person in general. Even before she had kids, she typically was 30-45 minutes late to everything. Since adding kids to her life, now multiply that number by a thousand, and you're still not even close to the level of tardiness she's capable of. That being said, she is hands down one of the most caring, genuine people I know, so I put up with her little quirk (and she puts up with loads more of mine, I'm sure.)

S originally wanted to meet us in the Big City where she lives for dinner. Then she changed her mind and asked us to drive an hour and a half to her parents house to meet there on a Saturday night, after having flown halfway across the country, even though her own house is in the Big City. Then she realized we weren't planning on renting a car, so she said she'd meet us in the Big City at 7:30pm after her son goes to bed, and they want to bring the baby which is fine. So we're taking that to mean we had better go have dinner by ourselves somewhere at 5pm, and plan to meet up with her at like 8:30pm at the earliest somewhere else. Big ginormous eyeroll.

For reasons I'll explain, I've been feeling like not so special a person to her lately. But I'm trying to temper those feelings with a dose of reality. (She's just had a baby! Give her a break!) In short: she took 2 weeks after her normal, healthy, vaginally-delivered baby was born to finally call and tell me about it personally. Yes, truthfully, I was kind of bummed that the woman I think of as one of my 2 best friends in the world chose to deliver me the news of her baby's birth via a text message from her DH to my DH, which simply said 'it's a girl,' and gave the date and time... It then took another week for me to get the mass email telling me the baby's name and sharing a picture. Ugh. Not necessarily the communication choices I would make for an event one generally has 9 months notice on. I think the kicker is that her mother is taking 100% care of her and her family for the next month. She has literally moved into her parents home to be doted on, and she loves it. (Man, I'm jealous.) But then again, with all of that help she still couldn't manage to find 5 minutes to pick up the phone? I know, I know. I need to cut her some slack. She's a new mom again. It sucks. And she's disorganized as all hell to begin with. It so clearly is not personal. I know the last thing she'd ever want to do is hurt one of her best friends. But still. I'm hurt.

I have this assumption I walk around with that goes something like: "You make time for the things and the people who are truly important to you. You may say someone is important, but if you didn't make the time for them, they truly weren't that important to you." And I tend to view others' actions as though they share my worldview. From my own experiences, I just can't wrap my head around treating a friend that way. Even though I had zero unpaid helpers with both of my postpartum experiences, I still managed to put together a list of people to call from the hospital. So to me, that equals a bare minimum standard that I apparently am expecting her to uphold without ever having mentioned it. ;) This is where I suck as a person - I have these great expectations for myself and sometimes I put them on to other people, and get disappointed. Then I finally have a moment of clarity: "Oh, my Type A way is not normal?" Yeah. Having one of those moments right now!

Talk to me before I get out of town!

True Blood recap - S4, E12 Finale

2011-09-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, Season 4! All things considered, I thought this episode was a rather nice send-off.

Except the I Choose Neither of You scene. Huh? I don't get it.

Why not date them both! You haven't even been outside of Bon Temps yet with Eric. You still think you have been fired from your job! You have nothing but time on your hands. GO ON VACATION with one or both of these men, Sookie. Get to know them. See the world. Live it up. Gah - her line of reasoning just made no sense to me. Moving along..

Farewell, Jesus! Now that was a total shocker. It seems that the fate of Tara and Lafayette must be to each lose the one they love at the hands of something supernatural. That was a horrible, horrible scene with the knife and Marnie's threats. Ugh, hard to watch. Lafayette should probably be a bit worried about being charged with murder - might be an interesting test case of the "I was possessed by an evil, dead witch" defense. My gut tells me Bon Temps isn't exactly a place where a black man can get a fair trial.

Sayonara, Nan Flanagan! I kind of saw that coming. Nobody calls King Beel and Sheriff Eric Northman 'puppies' and lives to tell of it. Clearly, The Authority and the "Factions" within in will be a major theme next season along with....

RUSSELL EDGINGTON! Welcome back, you! He makes me happy. Such a fantastic little villian. Glad he clawed his way out of the concrete (and like, duh, of course he was going to). By my calculations he was underground for about 13+ months. Long enough to go uber-crazy-crazy. Even crazier than his initial, televised spinal column ripping, You Killed My Talbot! batshit crazy. Watch your ass, Sookie.

And Sookie, you'd better watch out for Pam, too. I think it takes a lot of pain to make Pam cry like a babe in the arms of Sweet, soon-to-be-glamoured-again-for-the-bazillionth-time, Ms. Ginger. I don't know about that scene though. Something was off. The humor in that scene, busting on Sookie while bawling, now that part I totally buy. Pam is probably a lot more patient than that overreaction illustrated. But anyway, we get it: she loves her maker.

Adios, Debbie Pelt! We're in book territory now. If memory serves, that's also how Charlaine H took her out. Minus the part of course where Tara is about to die on Sookie's kitchen floor with a massively bleeding gunshot wound to the head. Nice cliffhanger, ABall! Which vamp will run through Sookie's door first? (Wait, did this all happen during nighttime? Yes, I think so.) I predict one of Sookie's vamps is going to have to turn Tara to save her. And I think it will be Eric. And I think this will make Pam positively apoplectic in addition to the state she is already in.

Jessica made one sexy Little Red Riding Hood. That's how you do Sexy Halloween Costume. And yes, Hoyt's analysis of Jason missing something inside was spot-friggin'-on. But you know what I've been wondering about? The perma-hymen. No mention of it yet with Jason. Hmm...

So Rene's ghost made a Halloween appearance - I loved Arlene's reaction. (You know, only bad things happen by that green dumpster in the back of Merlotte's.) Ghost Rene says Terry's new ex-platoon buddy is going to turn Terry into a Bad Guy, and Arlene needs to get Baby Michael out of there. Should be an interesting storyline next season.

Your thoughts?

p.s. The next TV show I'm going to recap weekly will be AMC's Mad Men, whenever the new season comes out in 2012. Hope you'll join me!

True Blood recap - S4, E11

2011-09-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

I felt like this episode was only like 30 minutes long tops. It was really action-packed. And I can hardly believe the season finale is next week. Holy hell!

So many things about this ep totally cracked me up. Lafayette proclaiming: "Marnie just puked the bitch out!" Jason going down the row of 4 vamps telling each one off in turn. Andy Bellefleur's woods wandering then sexy romp with a putative fairy. Andy telling Arlene all about it in funny/bizarre detail. Her reaction. Priceless. I wonder what Andy's pinky promise to this fairy is going to mean for him next season. Could she be Sookie's actual fairy godmother?

There was some of that wild and crazy mix of the grotesque with the hilarious. Eric ripping Marnie's right hand man's heart out, and then sucking blood from the main artery as though it were a drinking straw, before tossing it to the floor. Eew. But funny. I love how this show can pull that off. Welcome back, Real Eric.

Pam busting out the bazooka that could have killed Sookie - you know, maybe Eric should have used a little foresight here. Of course Pam is going to have a Sookie problem given all that has transpired! And if you think about it, Pam truly has Eric's best interests at heart. Perhaps Sookie is not an appropriate love object for Eric given that she also loves King Beel. Really, no good can come from it. It is hazardous to the health of everyone involved. (And they have no chemistry, but I digress. ) Anyway, as a 1000-year-old, with the incredible wisdom that has got to come from all that experience, it seems to me Eric could have simply used a little of that "as your maker I command you" stuff to get Pam to come around. Now they're having a little tiff. Hmm...

Jessica, that was good of you to save pretty Jason's face with your blood.

Marcus met his maker at the hands of... Alcide. Not Sam, even though Marcus killed his brother. Because it looked to Alcide like he was screwing Debbie. But actually nothing really happened between them, even though she was scantily clad and sitting on her bed-- right? We saw the Scary Yellow Eyes again that I hate. Alcide needs to work on managing his macho dick shit. Now Debbie is going to run off, and do loads more V, and eventually come after Sookie like in the books, right? Nooooo!!! Can't say I'm loving this were storyline anymores...

Your thoughts?

Not on FB, But My Kid's Preschool Is

2011-09-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

I got the following email from DS's Montessori teacher today:

"Dear Parents,

I've created a private parent forum on facebook. The purpose of this
forum is to provide a place to share Spanish language resources,
promote parent interaction, and encourage each other in providing
Spanish instruction to our child/ren.

In order for me to give you access to this site, I need you to log
onto facebook and look for: [Teacher's Name] and ask to be added as a
friend. Once I have you as a friend (thank you by the way), I'll add
you to the parent forum. I'll also add a widget on the homepage of
the school so you can easily click onto the forum..."

I know, I know. Everyone and their mother is on FB. I note the assumption of such in the email's first line.

This sucks, because DH and I have basically made a pact not to be on FB while the kids are tiny. We will reconsider it once they're older. No judgments to those who are on FB and love it (which is like 80% of everyone we know)! This is merely a lifestyle choice we've made due to the fact we live in a ridiculously small town, and we want to zealously guard our privacy, and we want to spend less time online (says the woman who blogs)...

Anyway, I want to let the teacher know, and see what the options are for getting the info the school want us to have but without the hassle of being on FB. Ugh. I don't want the tone of my email to come across as "off" though, and I'm afraid it will. Gah!

Montessori Day One, Or Why Did I Ever Worry?

2011-08-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

On my clock, I've only got 20 minutes of "summer" left. Forget what the calendar says about the actual beginnings and endings of seasons around the solstices [would the plural of that be 'solsti'?]. I define "summer" as any day in June, July, and August. Full stop. Let me enjoy my incorrect assumption please.

There is something sucky about the week leading up to Labor Day. The end of American summer. The start of school. Suddenly it gets noticeably cooler. The waterparks and pools are about to close. Halloween decor is all of the sudden every-damn-where you look. I no longer feel as comfy sporting my white jeans, madras print, and jute tote bag. I notice it is actually dark at 9pm.

My firstborn "baby," who'll turn 4 in about 7 weeks, started half day, drop off, bilingual English/Spanish Montessori preschool today. We had been talking about it all month. Literally, All Month Long. You see, my Mr. Spirited seems to do best with lots and lots of notice about upcoming transitions.

"You're going to Montessori in a few weeks, so-and-so will be there, Mama and Daddy won't go into the classroom with you because you need time to be with your friends, your works, and your teachers, then we'll pick you up when class is dismissed. And you get to wear special McQueen slippers only at school...."

To which DS usually responded with "Are we going today? You mean today-today??"... "I don't want to be dropped off!" ... "Why can't you come in the classroom with me?"... "What are you going to do while I'm at school?"... "No, Mama! I want you to take me with you while you do your work and run errands!"... "I don't want to speak Spanish!"

We drove up at 8am today. One of the teachers was waiting by the door. I was fully expecting a tearful goodbye, with DS kicking and screaming. Nope. DS bid a cheerful "Hola!" to the teacher and ran right into the school. Without so much as a goodbye. See ya! So I handed the teacher his things, and got the eff out of there before DS changed his mind.

At the 11:45am pickup, DS was the last kid out of the classroom. He didn't want to leave.

Tonight, all he did was talk about school. He mentioned the names of a boy and a girl he wants to be friends with. He told me that the teachers don't allow any candy at school, and that if he uses naughty words or fights with the other kids, he'll be "kicked right out." (Um, pretty sure they didn't say it quite like that. Gotta love preschooler speak!) He demanded I take him back there tomorrow.

They say today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. ;) Wishing you many smooth transitions.

True Blood recaps - S4, E9... and E10!

2011-08-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

I've been away on a little vacay, but I'm back now. And I've finally watched the most recent 2 episodes. I feel like this show is definitely back in the saddle again. Now that all is right with my world, let's begin with a little SPOILER-tastic recap of Episode 9, a.k.a. the one that I will recall forever as "That Episode Where Sookie Dreamed of a Threesome with Eric and Beel**...

** As Seen Through the Eyes of a Horny 18-Year-old Straight Guy Who Clearly Watches Too Much HBO."

First of all, during the aforementioned scene, Sookie looked like she would fit right in as one of Hef's girlfriends at the Playboy Mansion. No stylistic complaints here, however... I just felt like there was this overwhelming straight male gaze thing going on, and it just messed it all up for me and I suddenly went into critique mode. It didn't really ring true as the sort of feminist-y dream I'd like to think Sookie would actually have. (Perhaps the double shots of V is to blame? Nah, just the producers at HBO.) It was as though her "dream" was more performative for the straight male HBO audience instead of what an authentic, empowered Sookie who loves both of these vampires and wants open relationships with both of them on her own terms would REALLY be all about. Because you know if this were the dream of say, Jason Stackhouse, and 2 imagined women he loves there would of course be some hot faux lesbian tropes being trotted out. But alas, there was not even a hint of sexual tension between Beel and Eric (and BTW, R.I.P. Queen Sophie-Anne. They should have just had sex already. I would have loved to have seen that, too, honey.)

Moving on... I personally hated the Scary Yellow Werewolf Eyes thingy. Debbie, I love that you were watching "Cheaters" in bed and then pretended to be asleep. Alcide sucks like that. Too bad it is interfering with your addiction recovery.

The "Go to the Light" scene under the tree in Hoyt's yard was a nice mix of funny/sad/campy. I heart Terry Bellefleur so much for his "We still love you, Lafayette" line. Nelsan Ellis played Lafayette to perfection as usual. So "Virgil" is the name of the no good very bad girlfriend and baby son murderer? I predict a clever backstory in the future, and am wondering if it has anything to do with the Bellefleur/Compton family tree.

Nan Flanagan's gratitude at never having been a maker after Jess' bloody-eyed breakdown totally cracked me up - reminded me of Pam's reaction last season to meeting Arlene's kids at Fangtasia. Is Nan perhaps more good than evil or vice versa? From his basement sleeping chamber for 3, I think Beel simply needs to replay the tape for The Authority of Nan's insistence that the Tolerance Event go on as planned despite all of these spellbound necromanced vamps running around. Yes, but as Nan says "there are Factions"... and that will probably be highly relevant next season.

Sam and Luna on a camping trip where he turns into a bunny for her daughter = precious, but also made me think "vulnerable." And Fatal Attraction-esque, which might be spot on when you factor Marcus into the equation.

Jason and Jess in the back of his pickup truck. Oh man - I hear New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle" playing. No discussion of the perpetually recurring hymen though. Jason is a shitty, shitty friend. On to the next episode -

Episode 10 = Sookie in Peril! I liked the silhouette of Alcide running and carrying her through the woods - it evoked some classic Hollywood cinema for me. Then those silly, creepy yellow eyes again - nooo! Now Eric is a zombie! But seems to have retained a little residual love connection with Sookie. Then dying Sookie drinks more of Beel's blood and it even removes bullets! I adored the pained subtlety in Beel's face as he and Alcide watched over Sookie on her sofa. Fantastic acting there; beautiful scene before the opening credits.

The Tolerance Event turned out to be a real shitshow, natch. I soooo did not need to see the Hannibal Lecter-esque synchronized intestine popping out routine though. Sookie used the fairy force and brought Eric's memory back (I liked how they showed that in flashback format, starting with Viking life) while simultaneously saving Beel's life. But one thing fucked it up for me and it was THAT GODAWFUL SWEATSHIRT WITH THE HEARTS ON IT! Um, 1987 called and Blossom wants her sweatshirt back. NOOOOO!!!!

So real Eric is back, huh? And he "loves" Sookie. Hmm... I'm still not believing it. The acting and the chemistry is just off. Nice scene though between Sookie and Eric in the parlor at Beel's when Pam shows up. Yes, why didn't he summon her immediately? I'd be disappointed, too, Pam. Yeah, I don't think Pam and Sookie are going to be all buddy buddy like in the books.

Holly and Tara chanting in Latin to try to bust out of the MGE? Though it reminded me of the chanting Tara and the residents on BT did when under Maryanne's influence. Wonder if that is at all significant.

Jessica refusing to glamour Jason because she herself will have to remember it and feel the guilt? YES! I say Amen, Jess!

Debbie and Marcus? Ugh. Seriously, Debbie. How can you go from the likes of hot Cooter and dreamy Alcide to that short guy with a fugly weird hairline. Again, It Must Be the V making you do it.

I loved Terry's rehab of Andy at Camp Bellefleur. Seeing Andy try to wrestle him was hysterical.

Tommy Mickens' deathbed scene was... what's the word I'm looking for? Gross. Yes, I believe that's it. Was the foaming, gurgling bloody mouth really necessary, people? But hey, it brought Alcide and Sam together.

Lafayette saying "It's a Latin Thing" to explain Jesus's Dia de Los Muertos-looking changing head was excellent. It's that wonderful mix of funny/scary again that this show does so well.

The very last scene was a bit much: The Vamps vs. Marnie in a Matrix-style showdown where they're just going to blow the place up and be done with it. No supercool vampire powers will be used? Just gonna wear black, walk in slow motion to some rockin' music, and launch some bazookas, eh? You might as well be humans.

Your thoughts?

My 100th Post

2011-08-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

This is my 101st blog post. Hurrah, hurrah. I stuck with blogging longer than I thought I ever would, and I plan to keep at it because what can I say, I really, really need this outlet in my life. I'm doing a looong sentence in Podunkville and I seriously would not be able to get though it without you anonymous lovelies out there, somewhere. Anyway, in my head this is kind of bizarrely reminiscent of the 100th episode of "Friends" where the adorable 6-some broke character afterwards, interacted with the fawning studio audience/laugh track, and all patted themselves on the back (it was a show I never liked, BTW, but my roomie back in the day was obsessed, and owned the TV, so let's just say I'd probably fare ok in a "Friends" trivia game scenario). I'm going to go eat a self-congratulatory cookie now.

Thanks for reading me, y'all.

I think in honor of this not-very-momentous occasion, we should have a listen to the delightful Mr. Samuel L. Jackson's hilarious reading of "Go The F*ck to Sleep" - here.

SLJ cracks my shit up. Just hearing him always puts me in a better mood. In fact, I own the movie "Snakes on a Plane" and am known to make visitors to my home watch the scene where Jackson busts out with "I'm sick of these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane!!" Cinematic gold, I tell you.

In other news, DS starts at the new bilingual Montessori next week. I think it is going to be a hellacious transition, full of a lot of missing his mama, but hopefully it will eventually turn out ok. Maybe he'll finally start speaking the Spanish we all know he understands. I'm told I should just drop him off and get the hell out of there ASAP. That way, I won't be around to be embarrassed when the teachers hear DS scream "fucking bitch!!" once he realizes I've driven off. (No joke there, that's truly what I think he'll say. Picking up colorful phrases like that are the downside of watching too much HBO at one's house.) Conventional wisdom I trust tells me the longer preschool parents linger and the more they act all ambivalent, the longer the painful reaction from the child - or so they all say. Ugh, who knows?

DD is finally daytime potty trained. Ican'teffinbelieveitthankyoulittlebabyjeebus! That's the good. The bad? She dropped her nap and is overtired from like 2-6pm, she yells at me pretty much all the damn time, and has hair that looks like Donald Trump's whenever I'm around because the minute I walk through the door she immediately rips out whatever cute barette her babysitter had lovingly styled into her hair. My little rebel. ;)

How's your summer (or winter, depending) winding up?

True Blood recap - S4, E8

2011-08-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

I think Pam's hilarious line "This is fucking lame" in response to Beel commanding her never to harm Tara, has got to be the best, most accurate summation of the events of this wacky "Spellbound?" episode.

Where do I begin? Let's start with what was good.

Lafayette. So fucking funny, and such a wonderful scene stealer, as always. I'm enjoying the unveiling of the backstory of the female spirit who has jumped into Lafayette's body. Now the creepy doll that was originally found in Hoyt and Jessica's house but kept showing up again, even after Jess threw it into the lake, is finally making some sense. Apparently, Hoyt's home is the same one that the spirit's no good-very bad white married lover used to live in. And something awful happened to their baby son. Honestly, that was the most intriguing story within this episode.

Second most intriguing bit to watch was the sad unraveling of Hoyt and Jess's relationship. Am I sick because I enjoyed Jess' juicy/sadistic dream of how it ended so much more than how it actually ended? At least she didn't glamour Hoyt this time; Jess has finally learned the wisdom of that old adage 'you gotta be cruel to be kind.'

I'm surprised Jason could resist her extremely sexy vamp charms - actually, this is one of the characteristics I like best about Jessica: she is still really only 18-ish years old and is trying to negotiate her vampire identity, and she screws things up a lot. Getting disinvited on the same damn night from the homes of 2 male mortals who are extremely attracted to her? Wow. Jess needs to hang out with Pam more.

And Beel! I'm surprised at how much I'm liking King Beel, and loathing Forgetting Eric, although Eric's idea to run away with Sookie is about the only thing that made much sense in this episode.

In short: we need more Pam, more Lafayette, more Arlene, more Lettie Mae, hell, I'll even take more of Andy Bellefleur's crazy cracker-ness.

Now, on to the bad....

The way Jason saved Jessica in Beel's foyer just did not ring true for me. Am I the only one who felt this scene violated some rules of vampire physics? As in a human could not just tackle a vampire to the ground. And then carry her around Beel's basement and tuck her into silver chains all romantic like? It just seemed off.

Eric and Sookie. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! I've been as patient with you fakers as I can be. You simply have no chemistry. I don't believe for a minute that you're in lurve and want to have sex with each other. That bed romp in the snowy woods was laughable. (Even my DH said so, after the scene was over he turned to me and said "You must be really disappointed." Exactly.) And the worst part was they had to go and tease us with what started to look like The Shower Scene of the books, but devolved into some silly, fairytale-ish camp with nonsensical dialogue and fur blankets carefully covering all of the naughty bits. HBO, I know you can do better. Stop being so tasteful already. Look, I know Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are newlyweds, and therefore maybe she and Alexander Skarsgard are feeling pressure to hold back and that's what's coming across... I don't know. What I do know is I'm not sure I can stomach much more of this. Let's hope the spell Antonia cast on Eric will bring the mojo back.

Alcide, why did you have to go and make a promise to Debbie that you knew you were going to break that very same night? Figure your shit out! In the meantime, do feel free to serve us up a steamy sex scene with Sooks, or Debbie, complete with lots of close ups.

Tara, why are you such a follower? I really do want to like you, but I'm tired. Stop being so literal.

Tommy Mickens, forget the blood and guts all over the neighbor's sidewalk - watching you skinwalk as Maxine was the grossest thing in this episode. Did I actually hear you offer to screw the salesman while skinwalking as Maxine in exchange for a better financial deal? Yikes! New low there.

Your thoughts?

True Blood recap - S4, E7

2011-08-09T02:46:00.001-07:00

Hands down, this was one of the all-time sceeeriest TB episodes yet. (Jessica, don't die!!) I don't know about you, but watching Jess escape from the chains and the cell, then ignore Beel's freaky command as her maker, and finally crawl across Beel's foyer freaked me right the eff out. And yet, the cutaway to the scene with Maxine Fortenberry's foam hair roller-clad neighbor suddenly bursting into flames ("I knew it!") had me totally cracking up. Yet another great mix of the sceeery and the funny.

I really enjoyed the sweet conversation between Jess and Beel. I don't know how Jason is going to save the day on this one.

Oh, Tara. (I think I like Toni better, too.) Um, do you see a pattern here? Your penchant for blindly following powerful women with names that begin with the letter M, who suddenly turn out to be all supernatural and nihilistic? I predict Sookie is going to get Eric to somehow call off Pam's bloodfeud against you.

Pam, glad you finally got your fabulous self to "the healing kind" of doctor. The thought of an eternity of vamp botox would make me want to rip someone's throat out, too - You Tube be damned. Oh, and I heart you so very much for that pink coffin. Ginger definitely deserves a raise.

Eric and Sookie, somehow I'm just not feeling the afterglow. There was a lot of "Do I really want my memory back?/Will you still love me once I remember all the sociopathic things I've done for the last 1000 years?"-ish discussion. Which made me start to question their overall strategy: since Eric has all of these fabulous residences all over the world, and since Sookie still thinks "Sam" fired her, and clearly they're ambivalent about getting Eric's memory back in the first place, AND just about the only thing they're 100% certain of is their desire to keep Eric from daywalking, then pray tell why not just fly off to Eric's apartment in Paris, or even his "windy shithole" of a farm in Sweden? But no. Instead they choose to wait it out in friggin' Bon Temps, Louisiana? This would be the TB equivalent of people who see a tornado coming and choose to watch it from the roof of their double wide.

Speaking of people who ain't feeling the afterglow - Alcide and Debbie stumbling upon Eric and Sookie in the woods? Ugh. Yeah, I can see why Debbie might start getting a little crazy about this whole dynamic of 'I so obviously am obsessed with Sookie but won't admit it.' Snap out of it, Alcide! You're making ME crazy.

Lafayette, ok so now we know you're a medium, and you see dead people whispering to demon babies in your kitchen. Kind of sucks to be you - but your talent is probably going to end up saving all the vamps of Louisiana and maybe even the world, too. Marnie is the only other person on the show to have your gift. I think that's significant.

Andy Bellefleur, you are one of my favorite hot messes on the show.

Tommy Mickens, you are not.

Luna, I hope you get to enjoy a little piece of the real Sam Merlotte sometime.

True Blood recap - S4, E6

2011-08-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

See, I was sure King Beel wasn't about to actually kill Eric. What would TB be without Eric? I was surprised by how moved I was by Eric's dying declarations, although they seemed so very, very un-Eric-like. He loves Sookie and just wants her to be happy - and clearly Beel feels the same. Reminds me of post-Enlightenment Godric, actually. I'm kind of starting to miss the old Eric of the badass, hilarious, stylish, Barbarian, "Viking god" variety. Gran did tell Sookie via her psychic enemy that this was only temporary. And I hope for Pam's sake this is all only temporary.

So we didn't get the infamous Shower Scene from the books, we instead got a lovely, tasteful Moonlit Woods Scene. I don't mean to complain. Really. But, and I'm just wondering here, why were there no close-ups?! I mean, could that camera have been any further away from the action? I honestly couldn't tell if Eric was actually making love to Sookie or if they were just hooking up. And I even watched that scene more times than it is probably normal to admit, but I still couldn't quite tell. Even though it was a bit faux sex/Skin-e-max-tastic for me, it was still a great scene though. Bizarrely, I think this is the first time I've ever wished for a more graphic depiction of something on TB! And I loved the "I Wish I Were the Moon" song that went with it - so perfect for the weary Beel on his balcony scene. Not sure if I totally loved the song for that particular Sookie and Eric moment though. (Do you happen to know the person who wrote that song, too, @mom2boy? Reminded me of Mazzy Star. I should look it up.)

Big sigh of relief time - Jason is not a werepanther! Can I just say how happy that makes me? I wish the Hot Shot storyline would go the same way as the Mickens storyline. Speaking of which, brilliant call about the significance of Luna's skinwalker story in the last post's comments @Haley! Watching Tommy pass himself off as Sam was seriously creepy, though I thought Sam Trammel did such an amazing job with the acting - it really seemed like Tommy was Sam. Impressive. And can I just say poor, poor Luna. That sucks.

Jessica suddenly running off to "save" Jason, who says such funny/idiotic things, was a really fun exchange to watch. "Think of somewhere safe" (he gazes at her cleavage.) It was nice to see Jessica happy at last as a vamp. You know, seeing her with Hoyt reminds me though of those high school sweetheart/long-distance relationships that people sometimes maintained once they went off to college. Good Guy, but... I'm also wondering if vampire medicine has come up with a cure for unwanted hymen regrowth.

I also enjoyed the fire scene and it's aftermath over at Arlene and Terry's. Loved the awkward scene between Sheriff Andy and Holly - yet another amazing character actress on the show. Who is the mysterious young African-American woman Baby Mikey saw, dressed in 1950's style clothes? I'm pretty sure she's benevolent. I noticed that the shot of her whispering cut over to a shot of Lafayette holding Jesus - I sense a connection there between her and Lafayette's family. Maybe Lettie Mae somehow attracted one of their Thornton/Reynolds family ancestors who is watching over all of them?

I'm starting to get a tad more interested in the Alcide and Debbie Pelt storyline. Funny, I was watching the first of the recent Tobey Maguire as Spiderman movies from a few years back, and noticed that actor Joe Manganiello also played the bully who goes after Peter Parker in the middle of the hallway and gets spidey-punched down the hallway. He looks so much better as Alcide. So far I find the Debbie Pelt of the show much more intriguing than Book Debbie.

As for Lafayette and Jesus - what a crazy, unpredicted scene with the rattlesnake sacrifice! Yikes! Crazy Grandpa Brujo seems to have suggested vis-a-vis the blood magic that Marnie/Antonia is actually their real enemy, and that Lafayette is really the one with the magic in him - and now some creepy looking uncle spirit currently inhabiting him has been added to the magical mix. My money always has been, always will be on Lala.

Now about Antonia Galvan(?), the O.G. witch who once caused all vamps in a 20-mile radius to meet the sun... She has got to be one of the most sympathetic supposed "villians" I've seen in awhile. Vampire Sheriff Luis? Hear that sound? That's rough justice calling. You best be kissing your rapist ass goodbye right about now. Can you blame her (or Tara?) for thinking the world would be a kinder, gentler place sans vampires? That's one of the things I enjoy so much about this show. As in real life, few people are all-hero or all-villian. The show always manages to explore these kinds of ambiguous moral grey areas so deftly.

Your thoughts?

Late July Whine

2011-07-27T06:13:00.000-07:00

Post cribbed from my recent comment on Ask Moxie - sorry it's been one of those craptastic phases and I gotta do a little cut and paste! My DS has been a HOLY TERROR this week. He'll be 4 in exactly 3 months and suddenly he has been acting out in public, being extremely defiant, tantruming, and having urine accidents after being totally potty trained for a year. He is really pushing back even more than usual on any and all discipline. Prior to this, DS had been behaving relatively well for the last few months. But something in him seems to have suddenly changed this week. There has to be some funky developmental phase/regression/disequilibrium shizz going on is all I can come up with. Also my parents are visiting us this week, and they actually got into an argument after dinner about how they should handle their part of DS's discipline (it kind of made me laugh actually - they're well-intentioned but my dad never wants to be the bad guy who ever disciplines a child blah blah...) But the behavioral changes in DS predate my folks' arrival. A few weeks ago he rebelled against anyone speaking any Spanish in our home. MAMA, NO, DON'T SPEAK SPANISH!! He is in the "silent phase" with acquiring Spanish, where he understands what is being said but answers in English.

I dunno. I just think DS is not like most of the other kids his age around here. Never been a carpet square sitter who will do the assigned craft project or sing along with the shitty kids song (he prefers Led Zeppelin and Lady Gaga.) He looks, sounds, and acts so much older. I think of DS as an old soul. If we lived in a bigger city, I'm sure we'd encounter loads more kids like him. People around here who are meeting him for the first time are always amazed that he's only 3 because he is ginormous (has been off the height charts since he was 6 months old, and is the height of an average 5-year-old), and does a lot of physical things that his older friends do but his same-aged peers usually cannot, like riding a bike, going across all of the monkey bars at the park without any help, and sitting in the same place for over an hour completing a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle all by himself.

We're looking forward to starting a preschool that is a better fit for his personality - that would be a Montessori. And the Montessori preschool in Podunkville still hasn't told us which days/times DS will be attending starting in 4 weeks, nor have they sent us any kind of written confirmation that yes, he's in fact enrolled, though they've said so orally and have our (small enough to walk away from) deposit and paperwork. I hate that I actually have to show up there and track down the head teacher in order to have any communication, and that my friend who doesn't work there but whose kids go there is the only one who has actually communicated with us and served as a go-between. DH actually called another Montessori preschool yesterday to get the ball rolling there in case the first one falls through. The new Montessori is actually bilingual Spanish/English, and has a much smaller enrollment, so perhaps this could be a real blessing in disguise, but argh! I hate how the local businesses here are so lazy about returning phone calls! And now I'm scared that DS will keep rebelling against speaking any Spanish.

My 21-month old DD suddenly refuses to fall asleep at night without a fight and a lot of crying. I actually had to consult a couple of the dreaded sleep books. Guess what? They weren't helpful. Except the one that told me she's just in a bad phase and I need to wait. Duh. Maybe her sleep is being thrown off because she's working on mastering some new skills like potty training. (Update: she is day trained for urine, but still prefers to poop anywhere but the potty. My dad bought her the hilarious book "Everyone Poops" by Taro Gomi and she is loving it, so maybe the poop portion will click soon?)

Oh, and my last blood pressure reading was 150/93 = real deal holyfield hypertension. Could this be related to the fact that you, dear readers, haven't gotten a single Friday running update from me in weeks? I think so. I know I'm going to have to use the buddy system on this whole workout idea. I need there to be someone I'm supposed to meet at the gym in order for me to actually want to get off my arse and go there.

Talk to me - anyone out there?

True Blood recap - S4, E5

2011-07-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

Well, Gators love marshmallows, y'all. Which means sayonara Joe Lee and evil Mama Mickens! And hasta la vista to Joe Lee's nasty tighty whitey underpants, too! Whew, that felt good.

Oh Andy Bellefleur... I was already afraid enough of police misconduct, then you came along with all your flagrant civil liberties-infringing shenanigans this season. There's no internal affairs division in Bon Temps, I presume. Don't your loved ones know you have some sort of serious addiction going on, beyond the drinking problem of course? With all of those boundaries you keep crossing on Sam Merlotte, one of these days Sam's anger management training won't be sufficient enough to keep him from feeding YOU to the alligators. Speaking of which, Tommy's interpretation of the various Commandments he violated rocked. It was odd though that Sam chose that moment to confess his own murderous past to Tommy - bet that will come back to bite Sam in the ass.

And Portia Bellefleur... trying desperately to make the case that she and Beel could legally keep getting it on was at once sad and funny. But mostly icky. Thank you Beel for being the voice of reason. Beel should have definitely added the suggestion "You find incest revolting" as he glamored away her affections.

Lafayette had a couple of good funnies in this episode - "that dog ate my homework" stuff isn't going to fly with vampires!... and calling Jesus "goat killer." I can't wait to see what kind of crazy shizz Jesus' grandfather the Brujo is going bring to the party.

Loved, loved, loved every scene involving Eric. Scary Godric was an awful bad dream. I hope Beel doesn't get to the Stackhouse home in enough time to cockblock Eric from getting a piece o'Sookie. (Please, please, please let them have the Shower Scene from the books!! Doubtful, I know. I bet they're just going to have time enough to smooch, then Beel and his goons will show up.) But um, Sookie, before Beel takes Eric away, could you please ask him to change out of those horrible gym shorts? We know from last season he looks great naked. M'kay thanks.

Death Becomes Her aka Beekeeper Pam, I think you are actually warming up to King Beel. I actually liked the tough Beel I saw engaging with the 4 remaining sheriffs, including the one (Luis?) who knows the Ancient Witch inhabiting Marnie from back in the day. (And calling Google and Fox News the most powerful human institutions today was absolutely priceless!) Pam, if it were any other royal, or even Eric were you not his child, they might have given you the true death for disobeying a direct order. Beel perhaps thought having a half-rotten face for eternity was punishment enough. BUT... I can't believe Pam 'accidentally' slipped and revealed Eric's hiding place. That didn't quite feel true to the impervious Pam character who is the most ruthless and loyal person Eric knows. I think Pam knows deep down that Beel will not actually kill Eric, and that somehow having Eric in Beel's custody will give her and Eric the best fighting chance. Yes, even though Beel tried to incapacitate Eric last season with cement. Ok, so that doesn't exactly add up in a perfectly logical fashion, but let's put logic aside so they can keep telling such a good story.

My hands down surprise favorite scene though? When clean and sober Lettie Mae Thornton, I mean Mrs. Rev. Daniels, and her holy rollin' new hubby did the song and dance routine complete with a smudging ritual at Terry and Arlene's house to cleanse away "Rene's ghost!" Too funny! "You people"..."I mean people who are religious...." = brilliant! I absolutely love these wonderfully kooky side characters - Lettie Mae and Arlene are 2 of my favorites and it was great to see them in the same scene. I don't think it's Rene. I've said this before, but I think this is a riff on the recurring 'ritual can be dangerous' theme of the show, and that Arlene and Holly invited a demonic entity into the unborn Michael. And clearly this demonic entity has a fondness for playing with matches. Creepy!

Now about Jessica-Hoyt-Jason (cue New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle" here). What was Jess smelling on Hoyt's right shoulder? The scent of Jason? The V-induced sex dream where suddenly Hoyt was in Jess' place was too funny. I hope Jason reveals this to Sookie so she can set Jason straight about the romantic side effect of drinking a vamp's blood.

Your thoughts?

True Blood recap - S4, E4

2011-07-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

This season is getting soooo gooood!! Oh my goodness, they totally nailed it with this episode. Where do I begin??

So much Eric to lurve! Butt-slapping, nekkid Eric drunk on fairy blood, swimming in broad daylight with the delightful Old Swedish word for "crocodile." How is Sookie ever going to avoid hittin' that? A kiss would have made all of us happy.

And there was a little bit more of Alcide. Amen, Sookie, I wouldn't have wanted to look away as Alcide undressed either. Yum. The Alcide of the books never looked nearly this good in my mind. Readers of the books are probably wondering when Debbie Pelt's born again facade is going to wear down, and the She Wolf is going to come out.

And no more Hot Shot Ghost Daddy freakshow shizz! (I hope, anyway.) I wonder if Jason will fall in love with Jessica after drinking her blood - or if Jess will be tempted by him - that lovely soft focus camera angle of her face over him as she fed him certainly makes me wonder.

The coven storyline is getting really interesting. Marnie's "goddess" is an old witch spirit with a talent for throwing just the right spell book off the shelf at just the right, freaking' scary-ass moment, and was around at the time of the Inquisition, and probably holds some sort of grudge against Eric. But what she did to Pam's face? HOLY SHIT! She turned Pam into the Goldie Hawn character from Death Becomes Her. Not cool. How Pam didn't retaliate and kill every last one of them is beyond me. Seems like this season is all about playing with the various physical limitations of vampires, and giving the humans some power. I'm liking these twists.

The baby and his red marker! Wow. I'm thinking the attempted miscarriage scene with waitress Holly (?) and Arlene and the ritual in the woods last season has invited some troubled spirit into little baby Michael. One of the recurring mini-themes of the show is the power of ritual - I think there will be some Maryanne-level reactions to that ritual regarding this kid.

Now let's talk about the Compton/Bellefleur family. WHY did they have to go there? Portia, in open court, a good lawyer is never supposed to ask a question they don't already know the answer to. Did you REALLY need to follow him outside and ask Beel why he suddenly left your house, as your Grandmama went to bed suddenly not feeling well? Yes, ok, so the viewers needed it spelled out for them. Am I the only one who just felt kind of sad for Beel? It seems like he really relishes the chances to sit around with grand, elderly Bon Temps dames. The scene drew some comparisons in my mind to Beel's courtship of Sookie in Season 1, how he really sounded like an old Southerner when he talked to Sookie's Gran. I guess I'm also kind of shocked that it took him until 2011 and an encounter like this to find out who his progeny are - but hey, they're telling a good story here.

Oh, and I'm SO OVER the whole Mickens family. Ugh.

Your thoughts?

We're Not Gonna Be Super BFF's And All

2011-07-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

A new couple our age and with similar-aged kids has just moved to Podunkville. For employment reasons, DH and I were expected to recruit them into moving here, and to help them adjust in the 5 days they've been here permanently. Like us 3 years ago, they've also moved from a big city to Podunkville, and are bound to be weirded out pretty soon after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. In the 19-months we've known them from afar, DH and the guy have gotten along well, and he has a generally favorable impression of the woman.

Up until sometime last night, I used to like her ok. My opinion changed right around the second or third time she announced to the 7 of us out to dinner last night that "[The college-bound teenage sitter we recommended who was watching their kids last night] kept saying how easy our kids are to put to bed. They go to sleep awake! You just put them down, close the door and walk out! The sitter was like 'You mean, I don't need to rock them asleep? OMG, they're SO EASY! Like the easiest kids I've ever watched!'"

Yeah, it must be nice when one's kids are so "easy," um, unlike our kids, who this sitter has been used to watching, and rocking, soothing, and cajoling to sleep in various ways, because our little angels unfortunately march to the beat of their own sleep drummers. I'll spare you the gory details and summarize with 3 words: Low Sleep Needs.

The thing that rubs me the wrong way about this woman is that she has the odd habit of making unsolicited comparisons like that, which never fail to make her kids or her choices look amazing.

One funny one she did on her last visit months ago was about baby names. Our daughters are only days apart in age. The couple's daughter is named Claire. (Perfectly nice, lovely, wonderful name BTW.) Our daughter has a far less-common name that is not the easiest for Americans to pronounce. But it's big in Germany or something. When asked how they chose the name Claire for their baby, she went on and on and on about how they hated each and every girl's name they came across, and Claire was "like, the only girl's name we could even remotely stomach."

Ha, ha ... so we suck, right?

DH tells me I need to keep giving her a chance, she's going to have a hard time fitting in, and will want to spend time with us probably pretty frequently early on when they don't know anyone, and being kind and welcoming (up to a point) is the right thing to do. I remember well how hard months 3 to 9 of living here were, and how lonely it was not to have any young-ish parent friends, which thankfully, we now have in spades.

It sucks though. I already can see how she is... which brings up a recent conversation DH and I had about being honest in friendships. The closer you get, the longer you've known someone, the more data points you have on them - you're in a position to be able to give them some insightful feedback, in theory. But we rarely do. Unsolicited advice sucks. We all have our own fragile egos (i.e. see the above anecdotes about sleep and baby names for the contours of mine).

DH has a dear friend whose first wife left him 5 years ago, very suddenly. Within a few weeks, he was already with a new girlfriend, and talking about moving in with her. He eventually married her about 2 years later, yet all of his friends had many unspoken doubts. All of his friends think wife 2 is a wonderful, gentle-hearted person, but who is just all kinds of wrong for him. Where I am going with this story? Since marrying her, his personality has completely changed. I should also mention that for the last 2 years they've been struggling with infertility - which is making both of them extremely depressed and anxious (they're both getting help). He is honestly not the same kind of person he used to be. DH goes on an annual guys' trip to watch baseball with him and 2 other guys they've known forever - there was talk of canceling because the friend has been such bad company lately, and wants to bring his wife along to their dinners, oh and needs to attend the wake of his ex-coworker's father one of the nights of the trip, etc etc

So I said to DH, who is thinking of not going, "Hey, what if you were just honest with him about the changes you've seen in him, and try to find out how he's really doing?"

DH says he can't do that - "we can't change people." Right, although (in theory) we can provide them with honest feedback in a caring way, and let them know how their behavior makes us feel - then it's their choice to do with that information whatever they deem appropriate.

DH's conclusion: Nope. People need to figure it out for themselves in their own time, while their friends try desperately not to rock the proverbial boat with too much honesty.

Yeah, I can see that.

True Blood recap - S4, E3

2011-07-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Spoilers...

I fina-effin-ly got to watch Episode 3, and can I just point out how sad it is that I was feeling irate, and even dare I say a tad depressed, because my usual Sunday evening routine of watching TB after the kids go to bed was completely disrupted by the fact that my kids didn't want to go to bed until friggin' 10:30pm! Because that's when it finally has been dark enough to actually persuade my kiddos that it is, in fact, bedtime. Then I kept getting cockblocked by various life events every other night of this week, and I eventually watched it 5 days late, grrr... Full disclosure: because I was so desperate to see the show, I actually climbed into my 21-month-old's crib last night so she'd fall asleep - and she did! And did I mention I am tall and kind of weigh a lot, but have one sturdy ass crib (IKEA Gulliver from circa 2007), and she fell asleep in 3 minutes and I got what I wanted? Perhaps unlike saving one's virginity until marriage it was all worth the struggle and the wait.

There is a lot of fucked up shit going down in Bon Temps. Beel and Portia doing the nasty (if you've read all the books, you know *exactly* what I mean). Jessica glamoring the memory of their fight out of Hoyt's pea pickin' brain right after he told her not to. Eric's hair suddenly resembling a blonde version of the Jim Carrey character's mane from the movie Dumb and Dumber. (For the record, Eric can still have me though.) That grimy, scary, Twilight Zone-looking doll that keeps showing up! Maxine Fortenberry ordering more of them on the home shopping network while the man she makes call her "mama" schemes of defrauding her. Hands down, the most effed up thing of all can be summarized with two words, and they are--

Ghost Daddy.

Holy effin' shizz - that lineup of hillbilly werepanther chicks just waiting for their turns? Hell to the NOOOOO!!!! Poor Jason, talk about no good deed ever going unpunished.

My favorite moments were every single second that either Eric and/or Pam were onscreen, including the way Claudine got snatched and eaten out of nowhere, and the hilarious look on Eric's face when he was done... the feet washing (nice biblical imagery)... Pam not even bothering to hang up nor say anything to her man-meal when Sookie telephoned about Eric being in trouble... Eric calling her "Snooki" and rambling on in Old Swedish... the masculine decor of Eric's cubby that screamed James Bond's love shack on a submarine in the middle of the Arctic to me...

The dynamic within the coven debating what they're going to do about their Eric problem is getting interesting for me - as Marnie said "he had no right" indeed, but it is a testament to the quality of the screenwriting that we can totally understand and even perhaps agree with both sides of the conflict. Yet another nice allegory for balancing the rights of the people in power with those of a minority group, A-Ball.

What I really want to know is the backstory on the old spirit inhabiting Marnie (Hallow from the books?) who Eric recognized from a long time ago. Also, I'm not so convinced that Beel set Eric up in the premeditated way that Pam assumes.

Your thoughts, fans of the fang?

Been Stewing

2011-07-12T08:39:00.001-07:00

Here I am, days later, and still stewing about M's lying crap. You're probably sick of hearing about it. DH officially got sick of it at about 4 o'clock yesterday. But it's still on my mind, and here I type.

Part of my residual stewiness is because I found out later that M actually pulled C and B aside in Seattle late Friday night to ask them if I was mad at her. (Yes, welcome back to 8th grade, folks. I brought my Aqua Net.)

Which made shy, retiring B wonder if I was also mad at her, too. Thankfully, C told M that if M perceived that I was mad at her then she should talk about it with me directly, and reassured B that I probably wasn't mad at her, but again the person to talk to about it would be me. Instead of talking about it with me, M apologized to me first thing on Saturday am - if her "chaotic life and sudden change of plans had in any way bothered me." I note that M also chose to apologize to me in front of C, instead of alone. I accepted her apology but chose not to drill down on exactly what M thought she was apologizing for. It was awkward having C right there, and B in the bathroom - like M planned it that way so I would go easy on her. And at that point I hadn't decided if I wanted to confront M about the lying.

The whole "is hush mad at me?" gossip to C and in front of B but then not actually talking about it with me, just apologizing in a general, public way - that is yet another something about M's character that I can't abide. Makes me think M is just basically unable to even admit to herself that she lied - over $75.

I know I just need to accept M for wherever she is on her journey, and Have Better Boundaries. It sucks that she is in her mid-40s and hasn't figured this shit out yet. As in, um, friends don't like to be lied to? Um, nobody likes a well-off cheapskate? Um, when you gossip about someone else in front of 3 other women it makes people think you can't be trusted?

Deep down I'm just pissed at myself for ever having stupidly believed M was an honest, loyal friend instead of first looking for like Actual Evidence of those traits in her. The perceived limited number of available friends in Podunkville makes me spend more time on people who initially seem like good possibilities. Then I tend to over-embellish people's good traits - I reeeeally want them to be friend material. Been there, done that with my now-ex-Podunkville-friend J, too.

When will I ever learn?

I'm still tossing around C's idea of confronting M in private and letting her know how her behavior affected me. Easy advice to give, effing hard advice to actually take. I feel like that's the so-called "right" thing to do. But even C admitted there were times in her life and friendships when she should have taken her own advice but did not - there are just some people you can't reach; they're in too much denial.

I dunno... I'm just really hung up on having good, local friends. Perhaps I need to just stop trying so hard. Let other people make the plans. Accept people for who they really are, not who I wish they'd be.

True Blood recap - S4, E2

2011-07-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

It's starting to get gooooood! And by that I of course mean we saw even more Eric!! I was initially bummed that Episode 2 did not pick up in Sookie's room, right where Episode 1 left off, but they got back to the Stackhouse residence soon enough. Loved the scene in the kitchen, "there are 2 Sookie Stackhouses...." and Eric's offer to make home improvements. And Eric has built himself a cubby (or "hidey hole" as the books call it) at Sookie's... almost as though Eric is anticipating spending some time there very soon (fake amnesia?... cough, cough.)

SPOILERS... duh, again.

The scene with the ritual in the coven! Oh my! That was scary and good. Tara's presence there seemed a bit of a non sequitur though - they really wanted to show her getting roughed up by a vamp against her will yet again... wonder where that will take us? Tara, Vampire Slayer? All that cage fighting in New Orleans might be the prep work. Lafayette apparently does have the magic in him - I heart him so very much. After searching a bit online, it seems the gist of what Marnie chanted in Latin to Eric was "Saves Question Omni Strepeto" or "I strip from you all that you know." Yikes. She also seemed to have stripped off half of his clothes. No complaints here.

Just a thought - perhaps unlike in the books, Eric is actually faking this bout of witch-induced amnesia?? I dunno, I just cannot see Eric being out-strategized by Beel and Nan Flanagan long term. Something tells me Eric is biding his time, and may be faking all of this to secure his place in Sookie's life, among other things.

DH made an interesting observation - slowly but surely, very few of the characters on the show are merely human anymore. In addition to all of the fairies, supposed demons, vamps, shifters, and weres, now Lafayette is a witch; Tara is still being trailed by demons/evil fae (what was up with that quick, freaky impression of evil Queen Mab Sookie saw hovering around Tara for a moment when Tara showed up at Sookie's house?); Rene and Arlene's baby Michael probably has "666" etched somewhere on his little head (I loved the scene where Arlene's eye goes wack - nice mix of funny and creepy); Jason's about to go panther (and can I just say again how much I'm hating the Hot Shot storyline)... It is starting to look a lot like Hoyt, his mama, and the Bellefleurs are the last untouched humans. Hmm....

Pam, as usual, has all the best lines. String pulling - LOL! Eric can pull my string anydamntime.

Beel, it was fun seeing you in 1982 London with That Hair. It broke my heart just a tiny little bit to watch you banging your redheaded coven spy in the bed that you and Sookie once called your own, but I get it: you were just effin' some other lady so you could protect the true identity of the woman you really love from evil Nan Flanagan! Riiiight.

Upon Hearing An Odd, Obvious Lie

2011-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

I'm off to a 4th of July weekend getaway in Seattle with 3 local girlfriends, C, B, and M. This trip has been on the books for quite awhile - I made our hotel and dinner reservations back in mid-May, with the help of DH who, by the way, is awesome.

Then, yesterday, Other Peoples' Drama suddenly struck. (And I am NOT down with "O.P.D." However, "O.P.P." may be something I can get down with on rare occasions.)

If you've been reading me awhile, M is the wife in this shitty relationship.

I saw M on Monday night, and she said she was really looking forward to this weekend, and that she could leave early on Friday morning because her DH would be taking the day off to watch their 4 daughters. But yesterday, she suddenly informs us she can't leave until 2:30pm - DH screwed her over by not taking the day off after all.

Then B texts me to say she had just finally started looking for childcare on Thursday for all day Friday, and has (not-shockingly) been unsuccessful, and oh gosh oh gee, she didn't know her DH was working that afternoon, so now she couldn't leave until like 5:30pm. To be fair, she just moved into a new house 2 weeks ago, has 3 kids, 2 still in diapers, and is a generally disorganized person who waits until the last minute and hates calling people on the phone... whatever.

However. WTF?? We'd been planning this trip for HOW LONG?? Can't you find sitters in advance, and pin down your effin' husbands to handle their own friggin' children once in a blue moon?!

We make time for the things that are important to us. We may SAY something matters, but it's what we DO that tells you what we really prioritize. And clearly, this trip did not make the top of everyone's list.

But that's not what I'm bitching about.

Yesterday morning (the day before the trip) C calls me and says that B and M just told her they are going to take the Saturday morning train to Seattle instead of driving on Friday after their husbands get home, because M's DH thinks there are a lot of deer on the highways, and is worried about M driving the small car and hitting a deer, and they need the bigger car to remain at home to haul around their passel of children, but even though there are a ton of deer such that B and M can't drive M's car on Friday they nevertheless want to ride home in C's car on Sunday which is ridiculously inconsistent, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, etc.... C is concerned because M never mentioned what she planned to do about our shared hotel room on Friday, and C is on tight budget, whereas M is well-off. I told C I would ask them directly and clarify the sharing hotel expenses for Friday that we had agreed to via email weeks before.

M calls me back to let me know that M and B are coming to Seattle on Saturday, "my DH just didn't communicate with me" and after a minute more of explaining herself, she starts to let me go, "ok, bye." ... Then I say "Hold on, M. What about our hotel reservation for Friday night? There is no way I can cancel or change it on less than 24 hours notice. So what do you and B plan to do about that - it's approximately $75 per person for each of the 2 nights we're booked?"

"What hotel reservation?"

"At Hotel, where we are staying." (Silence.) "M, did you think we were all going to sleep out on the streets of Seattle tomorrow night? Where do you think we're all planning to stay?"

"You never told me anything about that."

"M, I sent everyone an email with the booking confirmation on 5/17. I'm re-sending that email to you now."

"I can't remember the name of the hotel... I never got any email. I don't know what you're talking about."

"M, you need to call B and figure this out right now. You and B are going to have to be responsible for your portion of the hotel bill for Friday night whether or not you show up until Saturday. Let me know when we can expect you." (End call).

A few minutes later, M replies to my re-sent email (the email chain soooo clearly showing M saying 'Yes, definitely book that hotel.') "hush, I did get that original email but I couldn't open the attachment to see the booking - I just opened it now on my phone. Looks like B and I are just going to take the train on Friday, so no worries! See you then -M."

I was livid. M lied so shamelessly and so effin' ODDLY. On something that an email record so OBVIOUSLY proves she's lying!

Why?

DH and C think M's odd lie to me over the phone was the startled reaction of a person in a bad relationship, who was surprised by the sudden (but foreseeable) realization that she'd be on the hook for the hotel bill for Friday, even though she couldn't enjoy it, and she was so upset with her DH that she let greed/selfishness/misplaced anger get the best of her, and in the moment delivered an unpremeditated lie, and one that was painfully obvious because she'd had no time to think it through, and she was reacting from a place of pain and you should really feel bad for her because deep down she knows what she did was wrong....

C and DH were kind enough to let me vent yesterday, so I'm largely over it and can enjoy the weekend no matter what weirdness M brings to the party. Whether or not M actually acknowledges her lie and how wrong that was to do to a friend, I've pretty much written her off and have silently demoted M from friend to acquaintance. Her loss, I think.

I just can't stomach lying liars who lie... and over stupid shizz.

Three-Year-Old Making Babysitter Cry

2011-06-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

Even though I have a shitload of work-related things going on right now, I need to take a break from it to blog about the following situation I'm finding myself in. I just got back from a lunch meeting where I was asked to start taking on a new business opportunity that I'm really excited/scared-in-a-good-way about. Of course it will require me to make sure I have adequately backed-up childcare, because unlike some of my other work, I can't rely upon being able to do most of it from home. I'm also pretty sure our regular babysitter is at the end of her rope when it comes to our charming 3.5-year-old DS.

Isn't that how life works? You get a great professional opportunity, and the very same day your babysitter tells you how unhappy some little one is all of the sudden making her. "I was crying in bed last night and my husband asked me what was wrong...." Noooooo!!!

Sitter approached me just a few minutes ago with tears in her eyes telling me she believes that DS really does not like her at all. The last 3 times she's watched him he has been a holy terror towards her because he misses his mama. I've had to leave my house with DS kicking and screaming. (Side note: I'm guessing at least a part of this is a developmentally-normal 3.5 year-old thing, because a lot of friends with same-aged kids have reported the same fits of Erratic, Sudden-Onset Clinginess). We've been down this road before with Sitter whenever DS has been in one of his phases. Talking through it with him has sometimes helped. Today she insinuated that she thinks DS would be happier without her - I had to ask if she was quitting. She said "No way." Whew.

DH feels that Sitter needs to develop a thicker skin and stop taking a 3-year-old's pissed-off protestations that he "hates you" because his mama just left for work as Gospel truth. I tend to agree. Sitter takes what DS says to her very, very personally. On the one hand she says she understands it, "He's only 3, I know that's how 3-year-olds are, but the way he talks it is like talking to a grown-up. He's just different than all of my 3 daughters and DD." Yeah, he's one special snowflake alright.

I asked her "so what do you want me and DH to do about it" - three times.

"I don't know."

"Do you want us to keep talking to him and letting him know what our expectations are?"

"Yes."

"What else do you think would help?"

"I really don't know."

"Does he need more discipline?'

"No, I just think he hates me, and I'm sad..."

Ugh....

True Blood recap - Season 4 Premiere

2011-06-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

True Blood is finally back on the air. And I've got that old Xmas song, "It's the most wonnn-der-fullll tiiii-me of the year!" in my head.

Allow me to share some of my thoughts on the very first episode of 'The Season of the Witch' as A-Ball calls it. He must be a Hitchcock fan because he seems to enjoy both the macabre and directly addressing the audience on camera - he gave a brief introduction to the new season right before it premiered. Which personally made me wonder, does A-Ball ever actually blink while talking? Isn't non-blinking supposed to be a sign of deep honesty? Anyway...

Obviously: SPOILER ALERT. (Duh.)

It started with a bunch of Fairyland shizz. Sorry, not really a fan of this part of the storyline, neither in the show, nor in the books. It all got way too weird for me, though pleasantly reminded me of some of the tropes of the original Star Trek series where the protagonists are suddenly running from hideous creatures, across the landscape of some forbidden planet. And then a proverbial red shirt guy maybe gets killed.

Moving on...

Then Sookie is back home again after time-travelling for a year (well, sort of), only to find out someone has pulled an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on the Stackhouse property, and it looks like Jason is selling the home out from under her. I like what they've done with her place. Martha Stewart would definitely approve. Though nothing will ever beat Pam's delicious line about Sookie's post-Maryanne disaster of a home last season: "Now, why'd you have to go kill that Maenad? She was a terrific decorator."

Both Beel and Eric suddenly arrive on Sookie's porch again. I liked how we saw their immediate awareness of Sookie's return while they slept during the day and their eyes popped open - excellent 'showing' instead of 'telling.' I also loved the subtle way we initially find out about Beel's new job when Eric immediately follows Beel's suggestion to go back to Fangtasia only a few moments after reuniting with Sookie. Eric tells her he's the only one who believed in her. Hmm...

Sookie isn't the only one in Bon Temps to get a swanky home remodel - the Compton estate has gotten a serious facelift. I'm really loving that circular wallpaper with dark background in Beel's office. It is odd to see Beel on top of the food chain finally, no longer having to kiss anyone's ass anymore. I'm dying to see how that supposed Queen Sophie-Anne ass-whuppin went down. Maybe that's why he needed to remodel his whole house - their fight must have ripped the shit out of the place completely. That, or Hoyt's mama inadvertently took Sophie-Anne out - she was gunning for Jessica, another redheaded female vamp, and expected to find her at Beel's house. That's my guess anyway.

We also finally met Ms. Portia Bellefleur, Esq. I seriously, seriously hope the show does not follow the books' storyline with regard to Portia and a certain male relative (I don't think they will...) Her brother, police officer Andy Bellefleur, is hooked on V, as was alluded to last season. Jason is his enabler - they have an interesting, effed up friendship. Together they infringe upon the civil liberties of the African-American residents of Bon Temps and it goes completely unpunished. That scene with Lafayette in the kitchen at Merlotte's was really hard for me to watch. Spot-on critique of typical white male law enforcement macho bullshit there, A-Ball.

I'm skipping over the stuff that doesn't really grab me - stuff I don't really mind watching, but that I tend to think of as filler: (Tara has a new identity and is dating a very hot woman, Sam is in anger management and has made some shifter friends, Lafayette is still dating a hot nurse/presumable witch, Jessica and Hoyt are playing house and having issues, etc.) But I LOVE me some Arlene Fowler and some Terry Bellefleur. That scene with Arlene's reaction to baby Michael taking the heads off all of the barbie dolls was such a classic. Todd Lowe and Carrie Fowler are just pitch perfect character actors in these roles, and are so fun to watch.

Now for the scene I had been waiting months for... and that would be pretty much anything involving Eric and Sookie looking like they just might get it on.

What I generally always fast-forward to on the DVR, after having watched an episode once, are any and all sexy scenes involving Sheriff Eric Northman. Yum. While I don't usually like blonde pretty boys (I know, that sounds like saying you don't like chocolate), I find Eric so delicious in certain scenarios. Like the final scene in Sookie's bedroom. I especially liked how the 'Sookie is dreaming of Eric' music was playing - neat trick. Not a dream. Please let the next episode pick up right where this one left off!

One more thought. Am I the only one who thinks some of these actors are looking a little too gaunt these days? Eric, Beel, and Pam are all looking much skinnier than last season, and I think the weight loss is making their faces look slightly older. Nice for a change that it's not only the female actors who are too damn skinny.

2 to Read, 2 to See

2011-06-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

I've always wished I were a better writer. I'm a decent talker though, and I think in my professional life that has made up for my less-than-stellar writing skillz. Anyway, I read a couple of extremely well-written and thought-provoking blog posts this week that I would like you and all your amazing, talented friends to go ahead and read, too:

To the woman unconvinced TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE/SEXUAL ABUSE over on blue milk

and

Friendly Fire over on Got it, Ma!

Those are my "2 to read," now I give you "2 to see." So I've been to the movies a lot lately - that's what happens when work appointments cancel and I'm in a random city in the middle of the day with time to kill before another meeting. I head off to a matinee. The result is that for the first time in a loooong time, I have seen most of the movies that are currently playing in mainstream American movie theaters right now. Here are my 2 favorites:

Bridesmaids. Fucking hilarious. "The Hangover"/a female-driven Judd Apatow-esque comedy for women. Jon Hamm is even in it. Now go see that shit.

Super 8. Like "The Goonies," meets "Independence Day," meets a bunch of kids who like "Night of the Living Dead." I wasn't prepared for the range of emotions this movie would bring out in me. It also did a great job of very, very subtly and deftly upending gender and racial stereotypes.

Happy weekend!

Underage Drinking

2011-06-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

My 3.5-year-old son recently participated in a weeklong Soccer Camp. We were just extremely thrilled that after having handed over our hard-earned money, our kid actually participated in the camp, instead of sulking and tantruming on the sidelines as he has done during other organized sport activities in the past. Though he still wouldn't wear the shinguards we bought for the occasion, he proudly wore the camp soccer jersey. The pictures are seriously too cute for words. There is something so hilarious and precious about a preschooler in a soccer uniform. I think of the little kid Max from "Old School" who is wearing an orange jersey in every scene of the movie.

During a break after one of the activities, the coach asked the kids if they wanted to drink. DS replied loudly enough for everyone and their parents to hear: "I want a beer." Priceless.

In DD news, after 2 weeks, she is daytime potty-trained for urination - that is, as long as she is naked underneath her dress or long shirt. Yes, I put my daughter in dresses, though in general I try not to be a sexist. What can I say, the dresses make the nudity required for potty-training a bit more socially-acceptable. No need to quickly put a diaper on her when the repairperson comes over.

In other news, I ran my ass off the last 4 days. Something finally clicked. Maybe it was the fact that I had all of the workout clothes and shoes I needed sitting right by my bed when my alarm woke me up early to exercise. How have your runs and workouts been going?

One more thing.... TRUE BLOOD returns this Sunday. And to me, that feels like Xmastime. I thoroughly enjoyed the delicious HBO series "Game of Thrones" Season 1 that just ended, though that genre usually never appeals to me, this one did.

Divorce Always Shocks Me (plus running check-in)

2011-06-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

First, running check-in: The truth is, I didn't run at all last week. I have no good excuses except I genuinely hate running. (Please lawd let me find some motivation, and soon.) Did you run last week? What motivated you? I need the recipe for that secret sauce, so please share it!

And now for something completely different. Divorce.

I know something like 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Maybe more. Odds are higher if you marry younger. The addition of kids can really eff things up, too, if you're not careful. So why does the news that someone I know is divorcing still manage to shock me?? I've had a handful of close friends, and too many relative to count, go through divorces. Given the stats, the news shouldn't really come as a surprise. But when I heard that our old friends, A and J have separated, I was really shocked. They have kids who are slightly younger than ours. Ugh.

It was also kind of sad how we initially found out. A keeps a blog and suddenly the title changed to something like "A's journey thru motherhood," and we noticed there were no recent pictures of J, and then there was a post about "J dropped stuff off for me and the kids," and then a few more posts about things that just A and the kids were doing for dinner, etc. Then we finally heard the actual news. Gah - divorce with kids involved just sucks. Hopefully they can keep it amicable. (Funny, I don't think I've ever heard the word "amicable" used in a non-divorce context.)

One more thing, completely unrelated to any of the above... I read this insightful article by Michelle Goldberg today called "The Return of Back-Alley Abortions," about the success of the anti-choice movement at the state level, and how right now, in the good old U.S.A., there are women facing jail time for self-inducing an abortion. Highly recommended, very depressing reading. Why this kind of horrifying news doesn't get people fired up about the next election cycle is totally beyond me.

Professional Pictures

2011-06-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

One thing I try to be proactive about is taking lots of pictures of the family. Including some photos where I'm actually in the picture, too. Mothers don't seem to make it into a lot of kid pictures these days, which is a shame. (Yes, I can understand the most likely reasons.) But, as DH and I both wish we had more photos of our mothers and grandmothers in their prime, I make sure we often put ourselves in the picture... and hold our chins up, and then photoshop out our acne and eye crinkles.

When I was pregnant with my first child, we bought one of those fancy-schmancy SLR digital cameras. It pretty much does all the work for us, and I love it. As long as we have it on one of the correct automatic settings for the given light conditions (i.e. set on the mountain or flower icon when we're outdoors, etc) it takes great pictures.

My stumbling block is how to stay on top of organizing all of these fantastic family photos. (BTW, this is one chore DH definitely ain't doing, and I can't say I blame him. He does all the grocery shopping and cooking, so I don't feel any major inequity.) Anyway, I know we need to print hard copies of the photos we want to save lest a computer malfunction cause us to lose everything - so I do that, and now have a crapload of 4x6's that probably need to go into books.

I'm also a big fan of occasionally getting professional photographs taken. "Natural light photography" and "photojournalistic-style photography" describes the style that I really like. The pictures have a timeless quality. However, I've noticed that members of the older generations in our family definitely prefer the traditional, posed photographs taken in a studio with the subjects sitting in front of a solid-color muslin panel or plain white background. And, if you head to a big box store, they are much cheaper to come by. So we do both. The photos hanging in frames at our house and in our offices are all the photojournalistic-style ones, and the photos hanging in frames at my parents' house and in their offices are all the traditional, posed ones. Go figure.

How are you photographing your family these days? Do you have a handle on saving photographs for posterity?

Hysteria's Roots

2011-06-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

From what I've been hearing about it, Asti Hustvedt's new book, Medical Muses, totally intrigues me. She studies the issue of hysteria, the now-defunct disease, and links it to "being a woman in an era that strictly limited female roles:"

"I set out to write a nonhysterical book about hysteria, to ground my work in something real. At first I found it unfathomable that these women really were suffering from the spectacular forms of illness recorded by their doctors, an illness that no longer exists. But now I believe that Blanche, Augustine, and Genevieve were indeed ill. They suffered from chronic debilitating symptoms. To what degree their disease was socially determined and to what degree it was physically determined is impossible to say. If they showed up at a hospital today, suffering from the same symptoms, they would probably be diagnosed with schizophrenia or conversion disorder or bipolar disorder. They would undoubtedly be diagnosed with eating disorders because they had bouts of willful starving and vomiting. However, if these women were alive today, they might not have become ill to begin with and no doubt would suffer from other symptoms."

Interesting. I also note that Hustvedt's book has been roundly criticized by the chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) community for asserting that CFS, along with anorexia, bulimia, self-mutilation, and multiple-personality disorder, is among a "crop of bizarre new illnesses" that, like hysteria, "stubbornly resist biological explanation."

Her stance reminds me of a brilliant former women's studies and biology professor of mine who was adamant that there's no such thing as "premenstrual syndrome," and that PMS is a patriarchal social construct. She'd say: "They should call it menstrual syndrome, it would be a lot more accurate."

Such assertions are no doubt threatening, and hard to swallow, if you're pretty damn positive your own lived experiences of things like PMS, CFS, and fibromyalgia are real, painful, and debilitating.

So I Ran, and Little Updates

2011-06-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, and I'm feeling a little down this morning. Not sure why. It could have something to do with the fact that Yelly Mama already made one appearance at 7:30am as we waited for Sweet Lifesaving Babysitter to arrive. Some days, I just can't seem to manage the kind of consistent parenting behaviors to which I aspire. I need a better action plan for the next time my 20- month-old (today!) daughter starts beating the ever living shit out of her 3.5 year-old big brother. When they fight physically, I tend to yell and try pulling them apart. Ugh. Probably not the best response. Suggestions welcome. Honestly, I wasn't expecting these fights to start happening until they were older; and I certainly wasn't expecting my daughter to be attacking my son physically at least once a day. Is it effed up that I'm kind of proud of her for being so powerful and so tough? Wait, don't answer that.

On a related note, I'm really proud of the emotional restraint and the budding logic that DS has shown lately when dealing with DD's and other kids' tantrum-y aggressions. "Use your words!" and "Hands are not for hitting" are two of the gems he's recited recently when his sister crossed boundaries on him. His friend, A, is a girl a few months older who he played with this weekend. There came a point on the playground when I was about to intervene as I saw and heard A hit DS in the face with a plastic jumprope - but before I could, he totally regulated: "Say you're sorry and give me that jump rope NOW!!" -- and she acquiesced! "Hey, A, we don't hit people with jump ropes."... "Ok, I'm really glad you said sorry. Let's shake hands, and go play." Voila! Problem solved without any adult intervention. Go, DS!

Yesterday, DD was particularly vehement about not wearing her disposable diapers (per her lifetime hatred of diaper changes). We also have a bunch of all-in-one cotton and plastic training pants that we used to potty train DS at age 2.5 (because in our experience, pull-ups are expensive, are seen by the kid as identical to diapers, and don't allow the child to feel actual wetness - so we only used pull-ups at night). She has been wearing the all-in-one training pants during the day lately - but yesterday she didn't want to wear those either. So we let her run around half naked, and made the extra effort to take her to the bathroom with us and showed her how we use it. We've had potty chairs that convert to kid step stools in each bathroom of the house since before her birth, so she's been sitting on them from time to time. Until yesterday it had never been her own idea.

Finally, for the very first time, DD went into the bathroom all by herself, grabbed one square of toilet paper, sat on the potty, and urinated. Then she yelled "PEE!!!" and called one of us in to show us. Then she did it again 2 more times that day. Pretty cool that she is showing such a keen interest before age 2. (Suck on that, Brazelton.)

I've already mentioned my favorite potty book that I recommend to everyone and their mother who asks what method we used, but it bears mentioning again: "Diaper Free Before 3" by Jill M. Lekovic. Worth its weight in gold, although it may not be as valuable to you if you are grappling with a 3.5+ year old's power struggles. I love it because it is not one of those silly, ubiquitous guides about "how to train a kid in 48 hours by giving them craploads of sugar!" (N.B. I know of one kid IRL who 'trained in one day' and he was almost 4, and there were no candy or presents involved; only a calm, 'Start Using The Potty Today, or We're Leaving You At An Orphanage'-type of heartfelt, parent-child discussion.)

Lekovic's method involves getting started with "potty learning" when the kid is 1, by having a potty chair in the house, suggesting they sit on it occasionally, reading books while they sit on it, plus using nudity, cloth underpants and training pants to let them feel wetness, etc. It worked well for us, and we were particularly in awe of it because it doesn't involve bribery with gifts, and/or using food as a reward or punishment - tools that I personally never want to include as part of my parenting.

Ok, RUNNING UPDATE. Let's hear how you ran this week. I'll go first.

Goal: run 3 miles each day, 3 mornings this week. Actual: ran 5 miles, only 1 day this week. What effed me up: Overslept one day, and had a work project I needed to spend extra time on one of the other days, and it cut into my running time. Now you go.

Hypothetical: Does Aggressive = Winner?

2011-06-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hypothetical question du jour : In general, do you believe aggressive, in-your-face, lawsuit-threatening, "win" at all cost-ers really get what they want more often than people blessed with more calm, reasonable, and empathetic personalities?

Hypothetical Scenario (actually, a quasi-real life example involving an acquaintance of mine) - Father begins process of divorcing Mother, then quickly shacks up with Mother's 6-year-old son's public school Teacher. The Child starts having problems at school (natch) regarding his Teacher, who is well-intentioned when she makes it clear she wants to be his new Mommy. Father wants Child to have Teacher for every grade of his elementary schooling (as is the practice at this particular public school), so Father basically threatens the Principal to make sure he maintains the status quo and doesn't reassign the Child to a different teacher. When Mother meets with Principal, he dismisses her concerns that the current arrangement is harming Child emotionally and causing Child to act out, and he refuses her request to have Child reassigned to another teacher. Principal tells Mother she "had better not make any scenes at the school or disrespect Child's teacher in any way, or Mother would have to be banned from school property."

Mother tells hush the following: "I just feel so disrespected, I mean, I have volunteered countless hours at the school and I'm the friggin' PTA President! I've never threatened anybody in my whole life! Where does Principal get off talking to me that way, making it seem like I'm the problem?! It's like he's scared of my Ex and feels like he can just walk all over me, and he shows no concern for my son's well-being."

Is there a moral to this story? Don't make babies with an aggressive dick? Don't volunteer so selflessly for the PTA, lest the Principal consider you "the help" and refuse to take you seriously when push comes to shove? Don't meet with the Principal without a more powerful ally/recording device/written record of the conversation present? Know the school district's actual policies backwards and forwards before you meet?

Please to discuss.

Prehypertension, plus my menstruation surprise

2011-05-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

The writing is on the wall: I'm a 34.5-year-old who has prehypertension. So did like everybody in my family and their mother (literally), beginning in their 30's; eventually leading to hypertension, heart disease, stroke, and an unfortunate, and not to mention hard-to-clothe tendency to accumulate fat in the middle and upper body while having narrow hips and scrawny legs for life. Shitty gene pool, what can I say. Oh, and I have high triglycerides, too, probably because I drink too much soda.

Anyway, I need to force myself to start running (all over again, like I did in my youth) so that I can shed a few pounds in order to bring these numbers down and hopefully live awhile longer. We'll see about quitting the soda - it's been a lifelong struggle to quit entirely. My plan is to set my alarm for 5:30am and get four 3-mile runs in per week for the next month, then see if my blood pressure has dropped. Ugh.

I really hate exercise. I hate even having to worry about my weight and my health statistics. That sounds childish, and it is.

In other personal health news, I started taking a generic form of 0rth0-try-cyclin' minus the placebo pill weeks, in the hopes that I could be period-free for months at a time. Let's just say it hasn't exactly gone according to plan. Two days ago, my uterus decided it wanted to shed a crapload of lining in the middle of my damn cycle. This shit hurts, and it brought me back to my junior high days of staining white pants unexpectedly. Fuckity fuck fuck.

When Your Married Friends Argue Publicly

2011-05-24T14:50:00.001-07:00

DH and I went to a party recently with a bunch of married couples. Among them were I and M, who are a married couple with 4 daughters. I and M have been married for about 14 years and now have an Obviously Dysfunctional Relationship. Not the kind of dysfunction involving anything one might ever feel the need to report to the authorities or anything, just enough passive aggressive tension and spite to fill an entire episode of Dr. Phil (and to take that cloying shine right off his scary white teeth, too). Let me give you a flavor.

At the party, I goes over to DH and one of my girlfriends, C, and starts in about his wife M's incessant nagging of him; how M is a bon-bon-eating SAHM who is constantly out with the girls while he busts his ass working (sorry, I, not true - M is constantly doing Kid Stuff, like schlepping her passel of kids around to way, way too many activities, but I digress)... and his little diatribe goes on to the point where it all gets reeaaallly uncomfortable for DH and C, as they eventually realize I is 1) not at all joking, not even a little bit, and 2) has NO IDEA how socially-inappropriate he is being, and how everyone feels about it. (Granted, I'm not the world's most socially-appropriate human being ever, but well, it takes one to know one I suppose.)

Then I heads over to another group, including M (!!!), and repeats the same conversation/diatribe to a new group of innocent bystanders, including yours truly. M handles it as gracefully as possible, kind of disses him playfully, and ignores I for the rest of the night. Later I ask M if she's ok, and she denies that anything is amiss or bothering her (which I don't believe for a nanosecond.)

A few days later C calls me up and eventually gets around to her main reason for calling: after what went down at the party, she was trying to figure out if I is a total dick or if she's taking crazy pills. I assure her that I is a total dick - and we bond over that for a minute. I've always thought one of the best beginnings of a friendship is disliking the same people and things.

Then when DH and I finally have a date night to ourselves, DH brings up I's party commentary, and says he feels like he needs to say something to I about it. He rehearses a few things with me, and we come up with something like a bottom line: "Dude, at that party you chose to make your marital problems public, and you talked shit about your wife in front of her friends who happen to like her a lot, and it was totally awkward, and we're worried about you guys...WTF, man?" (My guyspeak is not very fluent, but that's the gist of it.)

Then DH said, "you know, I really think therapy would be good for them. It turned things around for us." Amen, honey! We learned how to put the fun back in dysFUNctional.

And then DH says, "M needs to hang around with you a little more so she can learn to be bitchy in a good way, because there is no fucking way you would have ever let me get away with disrespecting you like that in public. You would have been like, 'Excuse us everyone, we need to leave now,' and you would have dragged my ass out of there, and I would have dreaded the ride home..." Um, thank you, DH? But he's right - that does sound exactly like me though - all sweetness and light. ;)

Then we talked a bit about maintaining boundaries around friends' issues - such as how do you draw the line between giving unsolicited ass-vice that will 9 times out of 10 be disregarded anyway, and making an observation that might actually open the door to a welcome conversation. Like in this example, "Dude, I, it seemed like M was really on your last nerve at that party...." and see where that statement takes the conversation?

What would you do?

So is it Rapture yet where you are, or what?

2011-05-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

It is nearly 5pm local time on 5/21 - Rapture Day according to some of the local X-ian fundies and their learned radio demigods. Um, nope, no Rapture yet here in Podunkville.

One of the best bumper stickers ever = "After the Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?" Not a lot of people around here think that's funny.

I loved "The Week" Magazine's reporting of Rapture Day, under "Good week for: The human race, after the world did not end of May 21, as Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping had predicted. [Editor's note: We filed this item several days early, but will print a correction if it's wrong.]" Brilliant.

I think I'll spend the rest of Rapture Day playing with my kids. Could be my last few hours on Earth - I suppose that's a true statement regardless of anyone's crazy apocalyptic predictions. May as well be doing stuff everyone in the family will enjoy at least a little bit. Lately, the kids have really been enjoying watching The Ladybugs' Picnic - some wonderful, old school "Sesame Street" fare.

Happy Rapture Day, y'all!

"My Kid Is So SMART!!!"

2011-05-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

So, I think it is safe to say that just about everyone's kid is a little super-genius... sometimes, and in some way. Maybe even all the time. I'm sure we all have moments when our kid says or does something outrageously precocious - and hey, feel free to share those moments in the comments.

What do you do when you have acquaintances who makes statements like: "OMG, your kid just READ that?!" "He just wrote his own name?!" "He's way more advanced than my neighbor's little boy who is a year older than him." But in your heart of hearts you think it's all just average behavior. Nothing too special. Just the types of kind of things you'd expect from a kid born to a mother who was over age 30, and living in a home with a lot of books. (Gratuitous "Freakonomics" reference.)

Is the proper response, "Thank you." ??

Probably.

Or do you dare venture into Keeping It Realdom, where you completely disabuse them of their inflated notions of your child's super-extra-specialness? Sometimes I totally want to. But sometimes, just as I'm about to open my mouth, DS makes a crazy horrible impression the very next minute, and suddenly they go back to seeing him for the wonderfully average 3.5-year-old he truly is.

It cracks me up that this exact same child has on the one hand had people sincerely recommend we take him in for a developmental evaluation because he wasn't talking to them, which made them conclude he couldn't talk at all (my son told me later "she was not a nice lady," that's why he wasn't talking to her); and then on the other hand, we've had some total strangers (who don't have kids/have adult kids I might add) tell us they're just blown away by his perceived amazing intelligence.

My conclusion? Context matters.

We can't all be super-geniuses all the time. But we can have moments of brilliance. Followed by moments of crushing defeat.

SES stuff matters. (understatement of the year, that one.)

I really don't think intelligence at age 3 equals intelligence permanently for life, but it sure seems like society does.

Your thoughts?

Next, Trump will probably ask him for a Death Certificate

2011-05-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

Travel Sans Kids

2011-05-01T20:09:00.001-07:00

On Tuesday, we all leave for my parents' home 2 times zones away from Podunkville. Two days later, DH and I will fly off to Vegas for our first trip together without either one of our kids in tow since becoming parents 3.5 years ago! It will be three days of blissful sleeping in, doing the deed, and eating and drinking to excess. And spending some quality time with 2 other temporarily child-free couples meeting up with us there. Hooray!!

Honestly, I am much more worried about my parents actually surviving the 3 days alone with our kids than I am about how our kids are going to manage the separation. I know the kids will be fine - they adore Grammy and Papa, and ignore us completely whenever they're around (which we LOVE!).

DH also just got Skype set up on his mobile, so we should be able to keep in touch the way the kids most enjoy keeping in touch.

I just found and filled out a "Temporary Delegation of Parental Powers" form on the internets, that is valid in the state they'll be visiting, which basically empowers my folks to stand in our official parental shoes should anything go wrong. Scary thought - but hopefully now that we've planned for that eventuality, in reverse Murphy's Law fashion, it now won't happen.

On May 3rd, I plan to pick up "Dead Reckoning," the new Sookie Stakhouse novel by Charlaine Harris. Should be an ideal vacation read, and will whet my appetite for the upcoming Season 4 premiere of HBO's "True Blood" in June.

See you back here in a week or so!

When friends drift apart (for the best)

2011-04-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

We've lived in Podunkville now for almost 3 years, which is so hard for me to wrap my brain around! Shortly after we moved here, I remember meeting this woman at a party, and she told me that whomever I was friends with at that time, I probably would not be very close friends with a few years from now. My friends would completely change. And she was 100% right.

There is something about moving to a place like Podunkville, especially when you are coming from a bigger city, that makes you seem like fresh blood to the locals. (It also makes you a target for invitations to in-home parties where people try to sell you makeup, jewelry, and candles - ugh! See me in hell!) Anyway, there were 2 couples we socialized with pretty regularly during the first 9 months we lived here. Then one of the couples got divorced, and their social scene obviously changed as they returned to singledom and the bar scene. But the other couple, well, I just think they're a bit off, but they're cool people. Just not our BFF's.

The woman, J, is someone who makes a very good first impression when you meet her. Very gregarious, funny. Then you spend a little more time together and start to wonder why someone with such an awesome personality like hers doesn't have any close friends around here, despite having lived here for basically her entire life. I finally figured it out: she is the classic example of that old adage "the friend to everyone is a friend to no one." She doesn't like to get too close to any one particular person. She is more comfortable keeping people at arm's length. The handful of times I had real, intimate conversations with her where I felt I was seeing the real her, were followed by months of unreturned phone calls, cancelled plans, "my kids are sick again," etc.... until she needed a favor, then she would suddenly show up in my in-box again.

So I had basically written her off as a flake. And I finally made some real friends who have stood the test of time. For awhile I had mostly forgotten about J. Then DH ran into her at work the other day and she gave him this whole song and dance about "Hey! Miss you! We used to see you all the time, what happened?" DH said "Yeah, I don't know, we've been busy I guess," while secretly thinking something like, "I'm pretty sure hush is still waiting for you to call her back from February, when you asked to stay overnight at our place before your trip to Mexico that you sneakily disinvited us from ("oops, my FIL could only get us a 1 bedroom condo, sorry!") so you could then surprise us at 9pm with a request to leave your car at our place and have us drive you to the airport at 5am on a Sat am so that you could save $ by not parking at the airport. And then when you get back a week later, you finally inform us your daughter contracted lice before your trip, and we should probably wash and sterilize everything in the room she stayed in..."

I fully realize I may at times seem extremely bitchy on this blog, but believe it or not, in real life I make it a point never ever to be openly rude or mean to people. I blog in part to vent the things my upbringing will not allow me to say. So I always return J's calls and messages, even though half the time I don't expect her to return them, and I keep my expectations extremely low.

It is weird though.

Remember when "birther" used to mean something else?

2011-04-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

In 2007, when I was pregnant with DS, I remember coming across the word "birther" for the first time. The basic meaning at the time was "a well-to-do, urban parent" and it was used in the counterculture to rail against people who lived, conspicuously, with children in a gentrifying urban American setting, and did obnoxious things like takeover an entire city sidewalk with a ginormous $700 Danish stroller, while yelling at everyone else to get out of their way. (While I've been guilty of many things, that's one offense nobody has ever accused me of. Kid never liked the stroller. And I'm too cheap to spend more than $50 on one.)

The old meaning of "birther" has now been completely overshadowed and lost (which in theory isn't such a bad thing, now I hear they call them "breeders,") and "birther" means something entirely different today. See here for a synopsis of right-wing birtherism directed at President Obama. There are also some birther conspiracy theories of a different stripe directed at former VP candidate/former Alaka governor Sarah Palin, surrounding the circumstances of her 5th child's birth, outlined and debunked here.

And I ask you: what is wrong with people?

Seriously.

My take on it? Life is too much like junior high. Back in junior high, there were a lot of silly rumors that went around about other kids, about certain members of boy bands getting their stomachs pumped, about certain celebrities and their penchant for gerbils, etc. Somehow these stories started taking on lives of their own. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now.

Anyone got any good explanations?

Creepy Bunnies and Sleep

2011-04-25T09:54:00.001-07:00

This made me almost pee my pants. I've always thought giant bunnies (and of course, clowns) were scary. (Thank you, Andrew Sullivan and your fantastic blog.)

And, I give you, the ONLY children's sleep book you & yours actually ever really need. (Thank you, Stephany Aulenback, and your supercool blog.)

Yeah, you're welcome. ;)

Toddler Tantrums

2011-04-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

One of the downsides to having kids less than 2 years apart is that just when you think you have outgrown the tantrums with your older kid, suddenly the younger one starts throwing them, too - and with a whole lot more pizazz!

My 18-month-old DD can throw one hell of a rage-tastic tantrum. When she doesn't get to have something she wants right NOW, which is more often than not something totally dangerous, like say, a butcher knife she sees DH wielding, or an old battery leaking acid she noticed up on the highest shelf of the garage, she just might go crazy on our asses. She's been known to fling herself on the floor, bang her head repeatedly, pull at the carpeting, hit her parents when they try to pick her up, and even pinch our skin between her little fingers.

Now, I know from talking to my friends that their kids did the exact thing at this age, too. I think all we can do is remain calm and try to make it so she doesn't try to slam her head into anything that could hurt her. Maybe offer her a pillow? Sometimes redirecting her has worked, too: "Ooh, is that a birdie outside?!!"

I just hope she starts talking more. She doesn't talk as fluently as DS did at this age, but I think he was a bit of an abberation, and he didn't have the second language exposure she is getting. But I guess it also makes me question some of the old gendered assumptions about "talkative girls" and "physical boys." For the moment, we seem to have just the opposite on our hands.

Another thing we're grappling with all of the sudden is both kids wanting to be held at the same time, and getting royally pissed that the other kid is in mama or daddy's arms, too. It really is sad/maddening/a total no-win that makes us want to run screaming from the house.

That's not to say it's all bad. The kids are both at such CUTE ages now. Everyday they say or do something totally wacky and hilarious. Honestly, about 99% of the time we love how they interact now. They can finally go run and play together outside in the yard and orchards, and we don't feel like we have to be watching them every single second. So that's been oddly freeing.

I also can't tell you how many parents of older kids have told us lately how much they would love to be able to re-live another week with their kids when they were at ages 18-months and 3 years old. I think this is another one of those wistful, 'Grass is always greener" sentiments, but hey, we'll take the reminder to enjoy our kids for the ages they're at now.

When A Parent Retires

2011-04-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

My dad is planning to retire at the end of the year - he'll be 66. Mom is a bit younger and plans to work several more years. I'm no expert, but my parents often ask me for financial advice. (I think they ask me because I'm their only child and they want to keep me in the loop.) They're in really good financial shape, have done everything the conventional wisdom suggests, and are good at saving and living beneath their means - so I should feel good about this. Yay for being proactive and all. But the prospect of dad's retirement - and thoughts of his mortality - make me sad. I'm uncharacteristically up at 1:30am now pondering the changes that are coming. He's loved his job, but says he wants to stay home and write. I hope that will make him happy.

He's asked for some input from me about rolling over his 401k into an IRA. I had to do some research, and I think it is a good decision. A Roth IRA would be ideal. From my research Roths are truly incredible devices that can allow a person to transfer tax free $ to their heirs - IF they play the IRS rules right. Anyway, he scared me a bit when he emailed me the name of this investment company I had never heard of - and I keep hammering him to stick with a trusted name that's well-known and fully insured. Which reminds me that he is also vulnerable. Really we all are, but it feels like folks his age facing these choices are especially so. I guess part of me thinks he is susceptible to being duped, even though to my knowledge he's never made any imprudent decisions - except one recent decision. He read something in AARP or some such publication that convinced him to apply for Medicare a few months before this certain milestone birthday... or else he might not get full benefits. WTF? So he applied and the govt sent him a bill! I think he sorted it out, and maybe that was a lesson not to believe everything you read, and to make sure you apply the general principles to the particulars of your own situation. Navigating this shit seems like a bit of a minefield. Hopefully I can be helpful and not worry and lose sleep for no good reason.

In other news, last week I was sure I had a blood clot in my right leg due to the birth control pills I started taking in January. Turns out I'm just a hypopchondriac who probably needs better neurochemicals. (I kid. But not really.) I had these weird pains in my legs that were a lot like the first day of my period was back in my pre-synthetic-hormone-poppin' days. It was the first cycle where I skipped the placebo pills and started taking the next pack of active pills so that I would not have a period for a few months. I think my odd, slightly-painful leg reaction, accompanied by one pimple and a whole lot of moodiness, was just my body getting used to the excellent idea that I'll only have 4 periods a year. Hooray for that.

Turning Your Own Kid in For Bullying?

2011-04-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

There was a NYT article online recently about bullying, which linked to this intriguing news story out of Queensland, Australia about a father who reported his 17-year-old son and his 15-year-old daughter to the police when he caught them battering a 13-year-old boy.

I was really struck by comment #17 to the NYT article, from KS in San Diego, California, who wrote:

"This is going to sound totally off the wall, but I think that every parent should HOPE that their child does something completely stupid at a fairly young age (ie, before that act can cause much damage) just so the child can face the consequences and see that their parents are serious about what they're teaching them."

"As a small child (8 or so?) I threw a rock at another kid and hit her in the head--she needed stitches. I didn't even know her, just found a rock and decided to throw it. But I can tell you that my parents came down on me like avenging furies, and I never did anything even remotely similar again."

"My own kids once stole eggs from a neighbor's chicken and used them to egg a local (not their own) school. I'm pretty sure the fallout there was something neither of them will ever forget--nor should they. I'm just glad it happened while they were young enough that I didn't feel the need to involve police."

Your thoughts?

An Egg Hunt Already

2011-04-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

This week is Spring Break for all of the schoolkids of Podunkville, so I invited some of DS's preschool classmates and their older siblings to join us at the park for an Egg Hunt this morning. It was actually a lot of fun, but I had been dreading it. The invite consisted of an email from me with the instruction to "bring 10 eggs for each child you're bringing." Turns out that was not clear enough, apparently, because I got several emails and calls asking questions like:

"What kind of eggs do I bring? Hard-boiled and dyed, right?" (A: Any colorful round thing we could hide somewhere outdoors and a little kid could find would be acceptable.)

"Do we put candy in them? Or are we trying to avoid sugar." (A: Feel free to put candy, or anything, or nothing at all in them.)

"Is there going to be any chocolate? Because my kid can't have dairy! And by the way I'm not even sure we can make it, but I definitely know we can't come if people will be bringing chocolate." (If you've been reading my blog long enough, this particular parent ought to sound a little familiar... A: I asked people not to include chocolate, and no one did. And then the anti-cow protein lady's kid got sick last night so they couldn't even make it today anyway.)

"Are you worried about salmonella poisoning if the kids eat real eggs that have been sitting out for so long?" (A: Um, not really. But if you are, maybe, don't let your kid pick up any real eggs? Just an idea.)

I showed all of the emails to DH, and he wrote a really funny set of "Egg Hunt F.A.Q.'s" that I loved, but ultimately did not send. It included snarky gems like the definitions of the words "egg" and "hunt," along with a description of the way the Easter season is currently celebrated in the U.S. including "chocolate rabbits and eggs, etc." Too bad I didn't send it, but I don't think they would have gotten the joke.

But you know, what this all really boils down to is that I am actually the problem. I really, truly feel that in this context, I totally am. So I chose to take all of those emails as constructive feedback about me and my relationship with the people of my little community. The emails in my inbox were trying to tell me that I tend to make way too many assumptions about the tendencies of the people of Podunkville to want to do something crazy like use their best judgment, or do their own parenting. People here are very, very literal. Yes, a few of them love to feel like people are catering to their "specialness" but most of them seem to like to be told exactly what to do, in the form of brightline rules about things as seemingly obvious as a children's egg hunt in the park. So I just need to accept it. That is how things are in Podunkville. I just need to get better at taking life as it comes, and accepting people for who they are - not some fairytale version of the "reasonable people" I sometimes wish they'd be.

However, I also realized there were several people who didn't email me with any odd questions and passive-aggressive, unnecessary requests. People who simply read the email, showed up, helped me hide eggs, and contributed to the fun. Those are the people I need to focus on in the future and ask on playdates (hate that term.)

Interestingly, like the local egg hunt DS was invited to last year, the real eggs one of the moms brought were the big hit of the morning - all of the older siblings were trying to get them. Luckily, the younger ones, like my DS, were more than happy to trade their real ones with a bigger kid for a "Soy Glory 3" egg containing "fun dough." That totally made DS's day.

In other news, my kids are growing up too fast. DD is 18 months old, is about to get her first salon haircut (BTW, we always go to the beauty school, where it's cheap, the students are young and hip, and they won't give you a mullet); and is finally saying a lot of words that people in the outside world can usually also understand. DD says "hold me" and raises her arms toward the nearest adult (in case "hold me" wasn't clear enough). She is finally sitting through an entire board book and also demanding them to be read to her over and over. Last night she kept saying "Brown Bear Brown Bear" as clear as a bell, leaving no doubt as to which nighttime story she wanted. Coincidentally, the books in that series were also big time favorites of DS's at the same age - something about the catchy colors and the rhythm of the words, maybe?

DS finally started learning the alphabet and has been writing his first name - in all caps - and always asks to borrow my pen anytime he sees me writing something. Behaviorally, DS is in a really good place right now. He's been using words a lot more instead of screeching, and we've been reacting a lot less. And for that we sincerely thank thee, Sharon Silver. Oddly enough, since purchasing one of those popular handheld portable devices that allow you to download books, DH has actually read 2 other parenting books and has even been giving me some tips! I'm really enjoying the parenting conversations DH and I have been having, now that he actually knows what is going on with the research. I'd better pinch myself.

Of Magic Erasers and To-Do Lists

2011-03-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

I once read a time management book which made the suggestion that "if something can be done in only 2 minutes, then do it now!" So I put that pithy little gem to use and knocked out several items on my to-do list. Like change the HVAC filter. Water the plants. Email the photographer who took pictures of my kids back in November and still hasn't given me my order. Wipe all the little handprints and boogers off the front of the refrigerator. Icky stuff, etc etc.

Speaking of cleaning, I have to give a big shout out to one cleaning product I was introduced to that totally blew my fucking mind. (And BTW, I'm not one to advertise or even mention products by their real names, but I'm about to break my own rule here.) So DS recently decided to draw some crayon pictures all over the beige wall of our living room, and once we found his crayon-art masterpiece, we figured we'd just have to re-paint over it. Then someone told me about the Magic Eraser. Holy fucking shit! It is amazeballs. I paid $3.50 for a pack of 4 sponges that you just wet and wipe... and every bit of the fucking crayon comes right off the wall without any effort or elbow grease whatsoever. It also works on random marks and scuffs that have been there forever. I have no idea what sort of alien technology they have going on in there to make it work so well, but what can I say, the shit just works. Your grandkids may turn out like monkeys, but your walls will be clean, so there's a trade-off.

One of my other brief to-do's was to check the status on my online complaint with my state insurance commissioner's office against the insurer of the woman who totaled DH's car 3 months ago. Long story short, the shady adjuster for her co made a written promise to reimburse our rental car expenses back in Feb and still has not done so. But instead of actually doing his job, he sent some hilarious emails in which he quoted old case law and tried his best to sound like a lawyer... and that I forwarded around to a bunch of people who also got a kick out of them.. Today his supervisor finally emailed me and cc'd him to bascially encourage him to stop emailing and start talking on the phone, presumably because his emails were only helping my case... No, I won't be taking their calls. "Email is forever" - and much much better for documenting what they actually say. I kind of enjoy the game of it - luckily the amount they owe us is not earth-shattering. And most importantly of all, all parties involved walked away from the accident without a scratch. We also learned that our own insurer handles claims properly and professionally, so that's good to know.

I love it when I actually have my paperwork and facts together so no one can trip me up. That happens maybe once a decade, so let me revel in it.

Meme Whilst I Avoid Focusing on Sad World Events

2011-03-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Slow news day around here. Actually, that's not true. I could talk about the events unfolding in Japan, but it is too close and too ouchy for me. I used to live in rural Kyushu when I worked on the JET Programme. The people were so generous and lovely. Others have said everything I wanted to say much more eloquently than I could have.

Well, I should say Happy St. Pat's to my fellow partial or 100% Micks out there in the world. Good news is that DD finally seems to be feeling better: the unflavored, clear pediatric electrolyte fluid we put in her nighttime bottle (which is usually filled with plain water) seems to have helped her to feel better. DS has been watching the new "Star Trek" movie this morning - in Spanish with English subtitles, thanks to NK's excellent suggestion in my comments section awhile back, for getting kids to want to speak in a different language. DS has been speaking a lot more Spanish since we started doing that, so thanks again, NK! (She writes a very impressive home reno/style/design blog, and inspires awe in me by posting frequently and with cool pictures!)

One of the things I see bloggers do when they're having trouble coming up with a post topic and/or are avoiding world news is to do one of those memes (is that the right word?) - like the "ABC's of me" meme I've seen around lately.

Age: 34.

Bra size: 39.5 DD+. Yes, I'm afraid I have National Geographic boobs that are not a standard size. They look much better secured in a correctly-fitted, albeit Granny-style, uber-supportive bra. I'm proactive about getting new ones at least 3 times a year with the help of kind, department store salespeople.
Chore you hate: All of them! Especially folding and putting away laundry, and dusting.
Dogs: Three. I am a "crazy dog lady" who thinks of them as her quasi-children, but who happen to actually hear what I have to say. We even let our oldest dog sleep in our bed.
Etiquette Rule you always obey: Handwritten thank-you notes, promptly mailed.
Favorite color: Turquoise and Kelly Green. And occasionally Reddish Orange and Fuschia. I'm known locally for my colorful dressing.
Gold or silver: Silver.
Height: 5' 8".
Instruments that you can play: The skin flute...
Just one item you'd grab from burning house: Old family photos. I should really look into scanning them and backing them up electronically.
Kids: A 3-year-old son, and a 17-month old daughter. (And the dogs.)
Live: A small town in the rural, inland Pacific Northwest US
Movie last seen in theater: "The Adjustment Bureau" - great movie, loved John Slattery from 'Mad Men,' makes me want to read some Philip K. Dick. Although I wish the ending had been a little darker, and more European cinema instead of Hollywood-ish.

Novel you're reading: "The Lacuna" by Barbara Kingsolver, for book club - not far enough into it to have formed an impression yet.
Overnight hospital stays: One - unnecessary, but mandatory after the birth of my first child if I wanted my insurance to cover the bill. With my second child I went home by choice on the same day a few hours later.
Pet peeve: Using a handheld mobile phone to talk or text while driving - you people are crazy! "All Snake" claims adjusters who don't respond to emails and phone calls.
Quote from a movie: Anything from "My Blue Heaven" which DH and I quote pretty frequently and can relate to our own lives as big city people living in Podunkille, like "You could melt all of this stuff." - Vinny as Todd Wilkinson
Regret: Not sticking up for myself better when I was once accused of stealing someone's gym bag.
Simple pleasure: Clean bedsheets fresh out of the dryer (that someone else washed for me.)
Time you wake up: 7:15am if I'm lucky - that's life as a mother of 2 small children!
Underrated TV show: "Justified" on FX starring Timothy Olyphant. Extremely violent, but excellent.
Vegetables you dislike: Cauliflower.
What makes you run late: My son tantruming/refusing to keep his carseat buckled properly.
X-rays: I had one when I lost the very tip of one of my fingers under the hood of a car in 1991 - it was actually a painless experience, and unless I keep my fingernail too short, the injury is not at all visible today.
Yummy food you love: Chicago-style pizza, New York-style pizza, Korean BBQ, all Indian food, Sabra hummus from the grocery store... I could go on and on.
Zodiac sign: Scorpio (and the description fits me perfectly, unfortunately!)

You're all tagged if you want to be - to answer any or all of these for yourself - feel free to leave it in the comments

Sick Days

2011-03-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

I always knew it was going to happen eventually, and finally it did: both of my children, DH and I have been disgustingly sick with some very strange, no good very bad virus for the past 48 hours... all of us have had some form of lower GI issues. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say someone in my family was very, very confused when he sat on the toilet to defecate and it came out sounding like urination.

DD seems to have the worst of it and is still not out of the woods yet. I just got back from a 9pm trip to the store to pick up some pediatric electrolytes and BRAT diet items (BRAT = bananas, rice, applesauce, toast for the uninitiated). My illness was over in a matter of hours but involved me sprawled out in the tub crying for mercy for the better part of the evening. DH hardly had anything at all - DS got over his bout quickly, and decided he doesn't like vomiting.

I'm so tired of scrubbing toilets, and doing laundry, and wiping the floors, and wondering if my house smells as bad as I think it does. I've missed work, and then our poor babysitter also contracted it, so I've been alone with the kids all day. Yelly Mama made a brief appearance, but DS quickly put me in my place with this direct quote: "Mama, be nice or Daddy won't want to marry you or kiss you." I know, I know, everyone thinks their kid is a little genius in some way shape or form - and we're all correct!

"PC Load Letter!!!???!!!"

2011-03-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

Why can't we ever manage to find a basic, bare-bones inexpensive home printer that actually works? As in one that like actually prints documents and doesn't get an "out of paper" or "paper jam" message every 5 minutes? I don't need one that can fax or print photos. Scanner and basic printing capabilities will do.

Here's what I'd like to tell all the home printers I've purchased and hated before.

To our newest shitty printer purchase, the H-Pee AWFUL-ice-jet 4500, I say: Go eff yourself! Unfortunately, we have to live with your broke ass a little longer.

To its shitty predecessor, El Ep-Sun Style-less See-Ex 4450, I say: We had you for like a month because you were included for free with some other equipment we got. (The fact we paid nothing for you should have been our first clue.) Eff you very much!

To the O.G. printer we got back in like 2004, the H-Pee All in one 6210: Thank you for some shits and giggles. We got to talk to some guys in India about your issues on two occasions. Eff off!

Tomorrow I take 2 useless printers to the recycling place; the other I must keep until a better replacement can be found at a reasonable price point. Oy.

The good news is DH and I have date night tomorrow, and we get to see an actual movie in the theater. Maybe it will be at the same theater where I went into labor with DD 17+ months ago while watching "Zombieland." Good times!

Taxes Schmaxes

2011-03-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

I hate tax season. Especially for this year. Our returns are taking forever in part because our files were a bit of a disaster. But I've learned a few little tips to keep us organized for next year, like the shockingly brilliant idea of actually filing papers in correctly labeled files. Like duh! Fingers crossed that all adult members of my family (ahem) will actually comply with ideas like these stemming from basic common sense.

We had 2 regular babysitters in 2010 for whom we are legally (and I also feel, ethically) obligated to file payroll taxes because they worked in our home, were over age 18, we paid them at least $1000 in any calendar quarter of the year and/or over $1700 that year. Simple enough parameters, so time to pay Uncle Sam, right? That way, should they ever need to make an unemployment claim, they'll get all the funds to which they're entitled, and it hopefully someday they'll have a little more money to put to use in retirement (that is of course assuming Social Security is still around when today's 20- and 30-somethings retire). So allow me to share our tale of two babysitters with two vastly different views on taxation. But before I do, can I just take a moment to say how much easier it would be if there were actually good daycare in Podunkville? Then at least we'd have no real tax issues to have to concern ourselves with.

Sitter One was a 20-year-old white chick born and raised in Podunkville. When I had her complete an I-9 Form when we hired her, she didn't list her social security number, as she did not know it. She worked for us for about 7 months, was sick a lot, and was late a lot, then once day she told us she was getting married at age 19 and needed to find a job with health insurance & benefits. Fair enough - so we agreed upon an end date 2 months hence. Two weeks later she informs us she needs to quit a little sooner, like on the following Monday. I then have to reschedule a bunch of meetings and work shit. Apparently, she's never heard of the professional courtesy of 2 weeks' notice. I actually wasn't too pissed about it; as I had become quite used to her flakiness.

After the Great Summer 2010 Sitter Hunt of Podunkville that lasted 2 frenetic weeks, enter Sitter Two who starting taking care of our kids in June. She is one of the best things that has ever happened to my family. We have given her raises, and all of the bonuses and perks we can reasonably afford (which isn't much...). She just makes everyone's life so much better. She happens to be a Mexican-American immigrant who may or may not be here legally - I honestly can't tell, nor will I be asking too many questions about her immigration status. We have fulfilled every legal requirement though, just like with Sitter One: she filled out a I-9 form, we examined the documents from the I-9 list, made a copy of her social security card, and we still keep them on file, along with the I-9 form we still have on file or Sitter One. Legally that's all we need to do. We need NOT do the work of the friggin Border Patrol or act like we live in Arizona.

In early January, Sitter Two double checks with me and asks me to please file taxes for her if I can - I said "Of course I will." Last month we put together the 2010 W-2's for both sitters. I had to text Sitter One to get her SS# - asking her to please call me with it. No response after 2 days, I ask again. She said "oh yeah sorry I forgot" and texted me back with it instead of calling me. Texting one's SS# = probably not the smartest move ever. Both W-2's went out in the mail by the January 31st mailing deadline, then we filed them with the SSA. (Sorry to bore you with these details, I promise I'm getting to the point soon.)

A few weeks later, Sitter One texts me "I wish you would of [sic] told me you were gonna make me pay taxes, cuz nobody i ever nannied for has, then i could of [sic] had time to prepare."

I was actually disappointed to get that text. I told DH, who in his no-nonsense way basically said, "She really isn't very bright, is she?" I had to resist every temptation to get into a texting war with this silly little womanchild. As if I enjoy paying taxes on someone who honestly wasn't that good, and as if we really have a choice? Aren't the only certainties in life death and taxes? But I digress. After pondering several different retorts and explanations, I simply texted back: "That's the law. Call me if you have any questions." Haven't heard anything back from her about it and I don't expect to. But bizarrely enough she did list DH as an employment reference and the prospective employer actually called... more proof that she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Lucky for her, DH is way too nice of a guy to throw her under the bus even though she sucks in all of the areas one generally needs to be a decent employee. But around people we know really, really well DH is pretty candid. DH wishes he could tell this story to the Tea Partiers who think that "real Americans" like Sitter One are losing ground in this country to "all of the illegals who don't pay taxes." There you have it.

In other news, I realize the Oscars have come and gone, and I recall blogging about them last year... so that means my blogaversary has come and gone without even a mention. What can I say, I guess I'm still at it. Glad someone out there is still reading.

He's Over 3-Years-Old Now, and We Finally Finished His Room

2011-02-24T05:49:00.000-08:00

Working on My Marriage

2011-02-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted about my marriage in ages. Which naturally means things are going swimmingly because I have zero to bitch about at this time! I attribute this in large part to the fact that 1) neither of our kids is under the age of 12 months anymore, and 2) we have figured out how to communicate much, much more effectively.

I've beaten this one to death, but just want to reiterate that "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix was a book both DH and I found very, very helpful and illuminating.

I also came across this very interesting little blog about working on marriage last week written by this earnest, adorable young married couple without kids (who BTW are VERY into Christianity though DH and I clearly are not, but no matter... whatever you believe, I suppose you just gotta be on the same page as your spouse with it, right?). They have these "Tuesday Night Questions" they ask each other that I think are absolutely ingenious:

1. How did you feel loved this past week?

2. What does your upcoming week look like?

3. How would you feel most loved & encouraged in the days ahead?

4. How would you feel best pursued in sex/intimacy this week?

Damn good questions, no?

These adorable young people get it. Harville Hendrix gets it. John Gottman and the myriad people he's co-authored relationship books with also get it.

I hope that someone out there on the internets, like me and DH, who is looking for answers to the problems in their relationships (problems that they know in their hearts to be solveable ones, NOT one of the 4 A's: addiction, abuse, adultery, abandonment) can get their hands on information like this. It literally saved my marriage. All those hard times not so long ago seem like distant memories. Believe it when people say there is an end to Survival Mode with a new baby.

Anyway, I'm off to a little date night with DH now. Wishing you and yours lots of romance, or even just a good lay this Valentine's Day weekend...

"Partisanship is the new Racism" ??

2011-01-31T14:14:00.000-08:00

As quoted in the February 4, 2011 issue of "The Week" Magazine:

"Partisanship is the new racism. We love to criticize it, and we love to claim we've transcended it. We recognize it in our enemies but not in ourselves. When partisanship is seen as a form of social identity -- I'm a Democrat because people like me are Democrats, or I'm a Republican because people like me are Republicans -- we can understand why so many blue-collar Kansans are Republicans and why so many Silicon Valley billionaires are Democrats, even though each group's rational interests might be better served by the other party. Any liberal who supported George W. Bush's adventure in Iraq would have been ostracized by his friends. A conservative who feels Barack Obama is a cool president will be made to feel like a traitor at church."

-- Shankar Vendantam in Slate.com (read the full piece here.)

Two and a half years ago, we moved from a Big Blue City in a Red State, to a Small Red Town in a Blue State. DH and I bizarrely, and without much discussion, agree on nearly everything when it comes to politics. So much so, that we never really ever need to actually talk about it. We just send each other quotes and articles like the above, and nothing needs to be said because we are so much on the same page.

Sometimes I even forget that there really are people out here in Podunkville and elsewhere in the world who have Strong Opinions on Such Matters. And even an unfortunate few who need everyone else to agree with them... or else! I'd really like to think I'm not one of those people. I have friends of all political and apolitical stripes. My mom is a Democrat and my dad is a an ex-GOP-er, now Tea Partier, so I think, in a way, being raised without a single, dominant political viewpoint in my family-of-origin has made me relatively flexible in my political thinking.

I don't think any party has a monopoly on good ideas, and I tend not to be very One True Way about much anything. Except for Etiquette, that is. You wouldn't know it by all of the swearing I do, but I was raised with a few pretty hard-core rules of manners that to this day I find myself really believing in. Hand-written thank-you notes. Respect for elders: It's always Mr. or Ms. So-and-so. Ma'am and Sir. May I, Please, Excuse Me, and Thank you. Generally, it isn't proper to discuss sex, politics, or religion... (unless you have felt someone out thoroughly and know them very well... and/or perhaps live somewhere like DC or work in politics where it is a cultural norm).

One of the reasons I knew I had to leave El Shitty Book Club o' 23 Podunk Princesses was the time when the organizer affectionately quoted one of the other members who was missing that night, as having said about some other woman they knew: "Then M said 'She seems nice, but I'm really afraid she's a Democrat!!'" Everyone laughed. And no one except me even blinked an eye. And I wondered if I would pass this person's simple enough litmus test. I don't fit neatly into any of the usual categories. But then I thought about her overall demonstrated level of comprehension of some of the current political issues today, and realized that there were certain words I probably shouldn't use because she might not fully grasp their meaning, and I thought to myself, eh, fuck it. It isn't my job. I live in a small town now, just stay below the fray. Glad I took my own advice on that one.

Anyway, back to the quote at hand - when I first read it, part of me thought, um, actually isn't Racism still the same old Racism? We're just a lot more coded and careful about expressing it these days, but it's obviously still there. One of the comments to the original article suggested that Vendantam's analogy should have been to bigotry instead of racism, and I tend to agree.

Your thoughts?

In Which I Hope I Don't Offend Real Allergy Sufferers

2011-01-27T06:37:00.000-08:00

What is wrong with my internal WTF? reaction to the following situation:

Ms. A, mom of a sweet 3-year-old kid who has just joined DS's one-morning-a-week co-op preschool class, shows up yesterday and suddenly says "My kid can't have any dairy" after the person whose turn it was to bring the snack for everyone put a piece of cheddar cheese on every kid's plate, then Ms. A's little guy sees it, wants it, and throws a major tantrum that results in Ms. A having to remove him from the preschool building. Once the little guy calms down, Ms. A bring him back and gives him his own snack of prunes and a banana, sitting him in a different room with her apart from all of the other children, who are eating snack together at one large table with their teacher.

Suddenly, a couple of the other parents are asking me, hey, what is going on!? Because I'm the person with the dubious distinction of being 'parent coordinator,' unfortunately. Aw, shit. And because not having all of the kids eat together with their teacher is apparently a big deal for some parents because they are worried that their kid will demand his/her own special snack, and to be able to eat with mom by herself.... actually that sounds like some potential shenanigan my son would try.

So I ask Ms. A, quietly, what her little boy's dietary restrictions are, and can I please let other parents know so when it is their turn to bring snack we won't have this happen again? (The school is already nut and gluten free, FYI). She says "Well, I don't want to force other parents to have to not bring certain foods." (Thinking to myself, ok so she wants the exact opposite of whatever she just said) I said "I hear you, and BTW we have a policy of being completely nut and gluten free already, so what specifically do we also need to avoid?" And she replied, "Last night my husband and I decided to eliminate all cow proteins from our sons' diets. No more cheese, no more dairy, no more non-organic beef because it is causing our sons' constipation. So we're trying a total elimination diet for 2 weeks to see if the constipation improves." (She said as her son gobbled down 4 prunes in 30 seconds... so perhaps hers isn't much of a scientific approach if her goal is to determine whether or not 'cow proteins' are in fact the cause of constipation, I thought to myself, snarkily.)

Suddenly the president of the co-op is chiming in over my shoulder, "Have you had your son tested for allergies?" I didn't know she was standing there. And at least two other parents are listening in. Ms. A said "No, but I've just been thinking lately about how bad anything from a cow is for you, and how humans were really never intended to eat cows and cow proteins, and how one time we went to this camp for the summer and the food was all vegetarian and no one in our family was constipated, and how when I serve only pure organic beef at home everyone is fine..." Then the kids finished their snack and I got pulled away from the conversation to attend to them, while the president continued to speak with Ms. A for a bit, and a few others continued to listen in.

And I realized my immediate reaction was to be pretty judgmental of Ms. A's entire line of reasoning. And I feel a bit bad about it, but not really. Look, for the record, I respect vegetarianism, veganism, pretty much any and all entrenched cultural & religious reasons for restricted diets, and obviously I fully support institutional restrictions of any foods that cause us and/or our children anything from mild oral discomfort to very serious, life-threatening illnesses. But... between you, me, and the internets, something about this scenario doesn't quite fall into this aforementioned "legitimate" category for me. Maybe because the overall tone of how it unfolded just rubbed me the wrong way? I really ought to give her the benefit of the doubt and go along with her pseudo-scientific thinking, right?

Then the president comes up to me and says "I think you should put the word out about it." Normally, I would send out an email, but honestly I am at a loss as to what to say, and how to describe what exact foods parents shouldn't bring from now on? We have a list of recommended snacks, but I have no idea if they'd be ok with Ms. A (and honestly, I'm irritated even thinking about having to find the list again and having to inquire - shouldn't that be Ms. A's burden?). Even though Ms. A said she didn't want to force other parents to comply with her self-imposed restrictions, Ms. A seemed pretty comfortable telling everyone about her family's diet, and I'm sure she would appreciate everyone doing their part to support her parenting choice (who wouldn't?), so maybe she would be ok with an email going out about it?

I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, I wish Ms. A would have said something sooner, because it caused a disruption to the class, caused a bit of "drama" amongst the parents, and clearly seemed to make the parent who brought the cheese feel like an a-hole. While Ms. A's son is new to the preschool, her two older children attended there for years, so it is not like she was unfamiliar with the process. When she joined, I made it abundantly clear the multiple ways I and others are always reachable. Granted, I'm sure she didn't expect her son to throw a ginormous tantrum over some cheese... but let's be honest, wasn't it the least bit foreseeable in this context? Anyway, that's all my own problem of feeling irritated and eye-rollish. And I want to be clear, if she had lied and said this were something we needed to have an epi-pen ready to deal with, hush would have been ALL OVER it. I am one of those moms on the playground who has the epi-pen and knows how to use it, and BTW no one in my family is allergic to anything (yet). So maybe I should just be happy she was honest about the situation and the lack of severity.

I'm afraid if I send out an email it will sound all passive-aggressive in my head and I will over-analyze it obsessively. Could you all please tell me honestly what the kind thing to do is? Thank you for listening (I'm annoying myself now just re-reading this.)

How Does Montessori Do It?

2011-01-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

This morning I took DS (aged 3 years, 3 months) to a local Montessori preschool for an in-class observation before we formally complete the registration paperwork and pay a deposit to secure his spot in this fall's entering class. The plan is for DS to go at least 3 mornings a week the year he turns 4 (this fall), and then either 4 or 5 mornings or full days a week (we'll see how the upcoming year goes) the year he turns 5; then he'll be off to our local public school for K-12. I've blogged about the public school choice issue before, and right now the plan is to send him to the school in our home district; I'm pretty sure we're not going to want to choice into the away district's dual language school when the time comes. Our friend's first grader is having a hellacious year there with the district's crazy, ineffective discipline policy (called "Make Your Day") and the administration has been no help, so we've pretty much written them off.

Today I was completely blown away by how this entire room of 3, 4, 5, and 6 year-olds was just so eerily quiet, with each and every child focused on their "work" (aka oddly interesting pieces of toddler & preschooler crack) at these small tables or on all of these neatly-arranged floor mats. Then I was blown away yet again by the fact that my son actually participated in this unspoken routine of his own volition (!!), without any type of struggle (!!), and was transformed right before my eyes into a model little citizen within this unique little world without needing much instruction. After an hour and a half of observation, the teacher (beloved by all in Podunkville, and I can see why) proclaimed he would fit right in, and said she looked forward to welcoming him this fall. Then she said she needed to make a note to herself not to ever touch him again without his permission first because he physically bristled at her when she touched his arm while she was showing him how to do a "work," and she said he was the first child in all her years to react in that particular way to her touch, and she was truly impressed. Huh? I almost fell over. I think I finally met someone who "gets" my kid! It was pretty cool that she chose to view his reaction in such a positive light, and formed a strategy for working with him that didn't automatically label him a misfit.

I can't stop thinking about how well DS meshed with this place. You recall that this is the kid who, once he turned the dreaded 3, had to quit pretty much every activity we used to enjoy. This is a kid who has a reputation of being just very hard in general, as in 'Your Spirited Child' to a T. So I was sure he'd hate the place. I've never been happier to say I was wrong!

Now I kind of want to know how it is that they do it. I understand that the term "Montessori" does not reflect a trademarked brand, and so it can mean a million different things depending on the school. Even in Podunkville we have 2 "Montessoris" - one that the locals refer to as "the real Montessori" meaning every kid has to go 5 days a week and commit to 3 years including Kindergarten; and the place we attended today, aka what the locals call "the fake Montessori" where there is flexibility as to the level of attendance. Anyway, I was majorly impressed, but left before I could really figure out the proverbial secret sauce they have going on in there. My guess is DS really connected with the getting to choose his own "work" to do, where he could just jump right in, and not have to sit there in a circle on a carpet square, and talk or listen to other people singing, or do craft projects he isn't into - which were the common themes of all the activities he now hates. Hmmm.....

Keeping My Mouth Shut

2011-01-20T12:40:00.000-08:00

I kind of wish I was more of a talker sometimes. But the truth is I'm an introvert who sometimes manages to seem like an extrovert for awhile, but after a time my learned traits like carrying on a lot of small talk, and calling up someone to go see a movie or go to the mall with me go by the wayside, as I realize they are just not natural to my personality. The world seems to love extroverts - I'm learning to accept it, and to keep working to find my truest voice in social situations.

That being said, I am really good at keeping secrets - the good kind of secrets, anyway. When something is an obvious "need to tell" type of thing, I almost always find the courage to talk. Well, until this week anyway.

Something came to my attention recently regarding the "nanny" (Ms. H) of a local acquaintance of mine (Ms. S). (Note: to me, a real "nanny" is someone who actually lives on your property and works at least 40 hours/week. Anyone else is a "babysitter" or "day care provider/teacher." IRL, I would never, ever try to correct anyone on that point because, first of all, I'm not even sure my definition of "nanny" is technically correct. I just think the mis-use of the word "nanny" **in certain contexts** can sometimes make people seem overly pretentious and self-important. Not always, but sometimes, and in certain situations. I just think "babysitter" is so much more palatable, IMHO.)

So anyway back to my story. Another babysitter (Ms. D), who works for a local friend of mine (Ms. B) witnessed Ms. S's babysitter, Ms. H (an early-20-something with no kids of her own), treating one of Ms. S's four daughters inappropriately at a local indoor play gym. Ms. B told me that Ms. D told her that she saw Ms. H yelling across the gym at Ms. S's 6-year-old daughter, and refused to get up off her ass and actually go talk to the child about whatever she was doing that Ms. H felt she needed to scream about. So the little girl was running wild, Ms. H was yelling publicly, and Ms. D didn't like it one bit, but she also didn't say anything to Ms. H nor to the management of the play gym. (Sorry for all of these Ms.-so-and-so's, I hope this is not too hard to keep straight). Ms. B asked me what I thought she should do...

BTW, Ms. B and Ms. S are colleagues who do not know each other well; and Ms. D is in her 50's with 3 grown kids, and used to run a daycare that Ms. S's girls used to attend, before she sold the place and took up part-time babysitting.

I told Ms. B that I thought Ms. D should have addressed it directly with Ms. H or someone in authority, either at the time it happened, or immediately thereafter, if she really thought what she saw was so "inappropriate." I also said that I have seen Ms. H behaving very lovingly at this same gym towards two of Ms. S's other daughters, and I know Ms. S thinks the world of Ms. H and has taken her on several family vacations. Also, several of Ms. S's neighbors who are stay-at-home moms regularly play with the kids with Ms. H, and I have to imagine would report back to Ms. S if something were amiss.

Ms. B mentioned that this is a hard topic for her because when she used to live somewhere else, someone once reported to her that they saw her babysitter behaving inappropriately, and so she immediately fired her - but had nagging doubts about it. I agree that the "reasonable parent" when confronted with a report like that would probably have to let the sitter go immediately. I know I would - but part of the reason would honestly be not wanting to look like a crappy parent in the eyes of the person who reported the behavior to me! But on the other hand, no one can prove a negative. It would be like Ms. S saying to Ms. H, "prove to me that you did not scream at my kid in public."

I left Ms. B by saying she could call up Ms. S and let her know what Ms. D saw, and say something like "maybe you should talk to Ms. H about how you expect her to discipline the kids." I don't know though. My read on Ms. S is that she doesn't want her boat rocked and probably wouldn't fire Ms. H over this. I hate situations like this!! I feel like the so-called "right" thing to do here is eluding me. What say you, parenting goddesses?

Ski Season Comes to Podunkville

2011-01-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about living in the middle of nowhere in the Pacific Northwest is the opportunity to live near a decent ski resort. DH and I both started skiing when we were in our early teens, and we only went about 4 or 5 days a year at most. So there is a huge gap between our level of ability (intermediate, don't enjoy moguls and ungroomed powder runs) and the ability level of people who are from this region and who started taking lessons at age 4 (a few of whom are more confident on skis than they are on their own feet). As DH says, "I am not out here trying to win Olympic gold, and I appreciate not breaking my ass."

Now that DS is 3 and is potty trained (wow- part of me can't believe I just typed that because it was such a long, non-linear journey to get there), he is ready for his first official 3-hour ski lessons, instead of just playing around with mom and dad on the rope tow. The local instructors are really good with the little ones, and they understand that at this age it is all about having fun and drinking hot chocolate afterwards.

We decided to do a season rental of real skis and boots for DS, which is super cheap here. He fits in the smallest ski boots and skis that they make. The boots are Salomon and have little rocket ship decals on them, which he loves because they remind him of Fuzz Lightbeer, naturally. And he has the cutest, shiny black ski helmet (which would fit most 5-year-olds, but he has a big head) that reminds us a little bit of Darth Vader or the Rick Moranis character from "Spaceballs."

DD has had a few tries on her plastic Happy Skis (the ones that strap over the snow boots.) She tolerates it for a little bit, but doesn't demand it like her brother did at the ages of 1 and 2. So she is most content to play in the day care at the base of the mountain while the rest of her family goes out to ski. In just a few more years, we will not be able to keep up with our kids, and they will want to run off to other parts of the mountain with their friends while we take it easy on the "boring" runs. So we'd better enjoy the brief days when we all can and want to ski together.

In other news, did anyone watch The Golden Globes? I did not sit through it, but I caught part of the red carpet chatter, and heard that some of my favorite shows "Mad Men" and "Boardwalk Empire" got accolades. I also saw an ad on TV telling me that another one of my favorites, "Justified" returns to FX on Wed, Feb 9th. I love me some gracefully-aging Timothy Olyphant. This should tide me over nicely until the return of "True Blood" to HBO hopefully this June. Did you hear about the homage to "True Blood" on "Sesame Street?" See it here, and be sure to watch for the Lafayette look-alike at the very beginning. There is also a "Sesame Street" that sends up "Mad Men" but it is not quite as entertaining, IMHO.

Starting on The Pill Later in Life

2011-01-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

I am one of the only American women I know who has never taken any form of hormonal birth control. Until now, it had never felt right for me and my body, and I have a hard time articulating why. I know full well that it currently is and historically has been such a good fit for like pretty much everyone and their mom, forever. When I was a teen, my own mom (a relatively asexual being whose DH had a vasectomy right after I, their only child, was born) kind of sort of discouraged it with a couple of hints and some shoddy reasoning, while stopping short of having an actual birth control conversation with me - she's skilled at odd verbal acrobatics like that. In hindsight, I think she just didn't want me to ever perceive that taking the Pill would give me carte blanche to bed whomever free of consequences, because obviously it offers no protection against STDs. I think she thought somehow I wouldn't understand that basic scientific truth (duh, right!). Luckily I was resourceful and got my hands on the right books, and finally found The Bible on such matters: "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. It seriously should replace the textbook for young women in junior high & high school sex ed classes. Can't wait to introduce it to my DD someday. I seriously credit this book with singlehandedly having helped me avoid unwanted pregnancy, because from it I learned all of my fertile signs by heart years before I officially needed to know them to start trying to conceive, and was basically using Fertility Awareness for years as a back-up to the various barrier methods I was using.

Another reason I missed out on the ritual of taking the pill during my "peak" fertility window of ages 18-35: I was a dork who starting having sex relatively late in college, at least when compared to my peers, so my need for reliable birth control was low. So a supercheap diaphragm, some spermicide, and a box of condoms pretty much got me through the 90s. I was working too hard and not having nearly enough sex. Meanwhile, nearly all of my closest friends who had started taking The Pill when they were between the ages of 16 and 18 pretty much stayed on it until well after age 30 when they started trying to get pregnant. Most had great, acne-free skin, and no trouble eventually conceiving. The only real negatives I ever heard about The Pill were breakthrough bleeding on occasion, and also the reports from three of my friends who suffer from migraines who were finally years later told by doctors "you should have never been given this kind of pill!" and who were then thankfully cured of their headaches once they switched to a different formulation.

Fast forward to the present day: this is my 35th year on the planet. I'm done having kids. I don't want to get my period anymore, and I would like the acne on my back to clear up. So yesterday I filled my first prescription for The Pill. It seems I am about to join the proverbial club. That said, the original plan was for DH to get a vasectomy - BUT as there unfortunately is no longer the local urologist who could do the 'no needle, no scalpel' technique here in Podunkville (good doctors don't stay here long) DH will have to wait until we have a couple of days free to get it done in a bigger city - so that means realistically it could be a few more years. I suppose I could have forced the issue and made him go see a local non-specialist who might eff up his junk, but honestly that's not the choice I would make for myself if I were in his shoes, obviously!

I guess my only question is, assuming The Pill works well for me and DH never gets a vasectomy, at what age do I eventually stop taking it? 45?? 50?? Or even later?? Hmm... My doctor didn't satisfactorily answer that one.

Ok, it's pithy link time. I'm sure most of you have already read or heard about Vanessa Grigoriadis' recent piece on "Waking Up From The Pill" - but if you've been living under a Cheerios-scented rock like me, maybe not. You can find it here. Recommended reading, though I have some issues with some of the assumptions she makes.

Your thoughts? What pill are you poppin'?

Drug Addict in the Family

2011-01-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

It had been almost a year since DH had last heard from his little brother - who is actually not little at all, and is turning 31 soon, but generally behaves more like a teen so no one who has known him any length of time can quite believe he is truly a Grown Ass Adult. Last time we saw him, he was at a party at my parents' house in the middle of a blizzard, where one of my best friends and her husband overheard him making a phony phone call pretending to have lost his credit card - so that DH would loan him some money, which he did. Did I mention this party was actually our baby daughter's baptism, and that DH's brother was her godfather? Yeah.

So you can see from miles away where all of this is going.

Tonight, his brother emailed DH and both of their (divorced, now remarried) parents to reveal that in fact he is a coke and marijuana addict who is depressed, is an insomniac, was fired from his job, thinks he will probably be in legal trouble with regard to the circumstances of his firing, has no friends, has told more lies in the last 12 years than he can remember, has no identification, no documentation to be able to obtain identification, has no friends, and that his life basically sucks, and he is ashamed, sorry, and doesn't know what to do.

At this time, DH and I are trying to figure out if he is a threat to himself or to others. And what the best course of action is. Would DH hopping on a plane help matters? We live 2 time zones away but we have close friends in the city in which his brother lives in who work in psychological services, and can hopefully make some helpful suggestions/referrals.

Immediately after receiving the email, DH called his brother; they spoke for only a few minutes, then after they hung up DH just started sobbing. DH has felt a lot of what he calls survivor's guilt for having escaped their horrible family of origin, and built a healthy life for himself. DH had to fight back the knee-jerk reaction of wanting to call each of his parents (who BTW are each batshit crazy and Not Good People, but I suppose the good news is we all live on opposite coasts) because he really wants to let them know that he holds them responsible for having been such shitty parents to him, and even moreso to his brother.

As for me, I'm just sad, and I'm trying to be a good active listener, and to support DH the best I can. I suggested he set up an appointment with our therapist to process all of this. In a way, it is a real shock. The drug addiction piece does come as a surprise on the one hand, and yet on the other hand it certainly explains a lot of the behavior we've witnessed over the years but had chalked up to depression and personality disorders and general effed-up-edness.

It just feels really crazy tonight. And I feel so awful for DH.

My Brush With Widowhood

2010-12-19T20:58:00.000-08:00

We had a major scare for our family the other day, just before noon on a sunny winter day. Luckily everyone is 100% fine, so I can blog about it now.

DH was driving home to meet us for lunch (I generally work from home and don't have any more business for the year), when a woman in her car very suddenly pulled out in front of him without looking, and t-boned the front passenger side of his car. Our car is totaled, and will be in the shop for at least a month. No one was hurt - and that's what really matters! Cars can be fixed. The other driver admitted total fault. One of DH's fantasy football buddies, B, who we've had longstanding plans to get together with for their holiday Open House, was one of the police officers immediately on the scene. He drove DH home. B is a widower who remarried after his first wife was killed in a car accident at age 45.

When they arrived on our doorstep, I had a horrible flash of what it would have been like if DH had been hurt or worse, and B was the one who showed up on our doorstep to give me the news, with DS standing next to me and DD napping upstairs.

We are just so lucky that neither of the kids were in the car with him. The impact would have been on DS's side of the car. Oh, my heart hurts just thinking about it!

You believers out there, say your prayers tonight. The rest of us, hug your kids tight, because the simple fact that we're even alive and kicking right now means we are so lucky, I can't even fully comprehend it.

We heart the Pediatric Dentist

2010-12-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

Today I took both the kids to the Pediatric Dentists' office, who are relatively new in town, and have actual fellowship training in the field of pediatrics. But their biggest qualification in my son's eyes is the cool train set and tunnel slide they have in the waiting room, along with the kids' movies they play on ceiling-mounted TVs over every exam chair. There is one other local, self-proclaimed "Pediatric Dentist" in Podunkville who is suspect, and is all about cheesy marketing tactics like pictures of himself with each patient turned into a refrigerator magnet in primary colors with a fugly font (design snob coming out here), and pushing of freaky baby teeth extraction, which is IMHO way too aggressive of an approach for a child under the age of 6 without any permanent teeth! Anyway... DS has been going every few months just to have his teeth brushed well, and to acclimate him to sitting in the exam chair. It has taken about 9 months, but he has finally warmed up to the idea of letting the dentist look in his mouth for several minutes at a time. And today was his first tear-free visit!

Because DS was on the bottle for a ridiculously long time (3 years, ugh).... I was sure he'd have massive teeth problems, so we have been extremely proactive about dental care. Happy to report there isn't anything wrong with his teeth as a result of our inability to get him bottle-free on a more normal timeframe. He is a big fan of strawberry flavored toothpaste and mouth rinse at home, and chocolate flavored toothpaste is a special treat reserved for going to the dentist.

As we were leaving, and DS was about to get a prize, he suddenly asked the hygienist where the potty was, and he went. I had a realization: holy shit, my kid finally is really, truly, and actually potty-trained! Thank you baby Jebus!!

DD did really great during her very first dental visit today, as well! She loves to get her teeth brushed - all 6 and a half of them. She has 4 on top, two on the bottom, and the dentist discovered that about half of a molar has erupted on her top right side. Hmm, so that explains the nighttime crankiness we experienced recently. I had a damn hard time going back to sleep after her first wake-up, but I had mis-attributed it to having watched a superscary episode of "Celebrity Ghost Stories" on the Biography Channel. Note: it is not only the tales of hauntings that are scary, it is the visuals of these once-beautiful celebs I recall from childhood having turned into old people and/or bad plastic surgery cases! Yikes!!

Speaking of ghost stories, I want to send a thank you shout-out to Caramama and Paola for their recommendation of the delicious gothic book "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield. It was my pick for the non-shitty book club I just joined, and so far it seems to have raised my esteem in some of the other members' eyes.

'Benign Neglect' of the '70s and '80s

2010-12-06T21:57:00.000-08:00

"One sometimes sees these exhausted, devoted, slightly drab parents, piling out of the car, and thinks, Is all of this high-level watching and steering and analyzing really making anyone happier? Can we, for a moment, flash back to the benign neglect of the 1970s and '80s? I can remember my parents having parties, wild children running around until dark, catching fireflies. If these children helped themselves to three slices of cake, or ingested secondhand smoke from cigarettes, or carried cocktails to adults who were ever so slightly slurring their words, they were not noticed; they were loved, just not monitored. Those warm summer nights of not being focused on were liberating. In the long sticky hours of boredom, in the lonely, unsupervised, unstructured time, something blooms; it was in those margins that we became ourselves." -- Katie Roiphe in the Financial Times (as quoted in the December 3, 2010 issue of The Week)

Does Roiphe's jaunt down memory lane/dig at modern parenting strike you as gospel or gorilla shit? (...to steal a delightful line from "True Blood"'s Queen Sophie-Anne)?? Discuss.

We have a daughter, too, who gets short shrift like 24/7

2010-11-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

Thirteen and a half months ago, I gave birth to a healthy, sweet, and dare I say, perfect little daughter. And no lie, it has taken me just about that long to finally catch my breath! At long last I feel like my old self again. I haven't mentioned my once-troubled marriage in awhile, and I think that old adage "no news is good news" definitely fits. We're really good, actually. Finally. Whew. Survival Mode is officially over. Now I think I can finally process it all.

If I'm honest, I do have some regrets. Which sucks. I regret not reading to DD more, not holding her more; not trying to co-sleep a little longer than we did - we had our reasons at the time, but I regret the fact that DD is not quite as cuddly as I assumed every baby would be, like her older brother was and is. Her room is not even fully decorated yet - and decor is one of my passions!

DH admitted to me the other day that it took him about a year to really, truly form a bond with DD. And I hate to say it, but it took me awhile, too.

I feel like so many of my posts have been about my firstborn. When I was a new parent reading other parent bloggers it always seemed like their first child was their favorite because it was all they ever really talked about. Now I get it. So I want to write a few things about DD that make us smile: (bragging alert)

* She is seriously a beautiful kid. (I know, every parent thinks that. But seriously, a part of me does worry about her being way too cute in this life, and how this might have a negative impact on her ability to be treated fairly in some future corporate-type career. Silly, I know.)
* The girl can eat like a champ! And she demands to hold large pieces of food by herself, and run around with them like she did recently with the turkey leg at Thanksgiving.
* She walked ridiculously early, and now she is such an amazingly graceful little toddler. She can go up and down the stairs all by herself, she can carefully climb pretty much anything, as well as open and close the back door to let the dogs out upon request. People always think she is older than she is because of it - especially when she walked into the exam room at her 9 mos. check-up. The dr. (a father of 4) could not believe his eyes.
* She is a by-the-book sleeper. Yes, THAT book. The same one I fucking hated when I read it back in 2007 for some other child who shall remain nameless. Eff you, Doktor Wize Blue Tooth!
* Her first name is something that most dumbass Americans cannot seem to pronounce, even though it looks just like it sounds. Hooked on phonics didn't work for us. On the bright side, it is a top 25 name currently in most of the countries in western Europe, so hopefully she won't seem so stereotypically American when she backpacks around the globe someday.
* Her poops are the smelliest things DH and I have ever had the privilege of smelling. For real.

Brag to me about yours - and show some love to those later-born kids.

Bilingual vs. Regular School

2010-11-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

School options here in Podunkville are extremely limited. When the time comes to enroll DS into K only 2 short years from now, there are 2 local public school districts we could select from; either of which are basically good enough for me & mine, but neither is perfect (alas, exactly as it is with most things in life!!)... There are also loads of Christian schools and one Catholic school that honestly don't provide a very good non-religious education, and there is also a strong homeschooling community - which I personally don't have the teaching skills nor the intestinal fortitude to manage. So public school it will almost certainly be.

We live in WA state, and there is a choice program through which you can apply to send your kids to a school outside of your home district. You provide the transport - not a problem, because we live close enough to Away District, where DH works. Here is our dilemma:

Away District has a robust bilingual elementary school (English/Spanish) that gets awesome reviews on the language instruction, but not very good reviews on any of the other subjects. But most disturbingly, the discipline program Away District uses is not one that is based upon any research whatsoever; it's not among the recommended programs approved by the Federal Department of Education, and it has gotten the panties of many of the local parents who are professionals so extremely bunched up as to make me think the people on the school board are actually trying to get voted out of office. In a nutshell, the way the discipline program works is that kids are incentivized to tell on each other and have other kids get sent to time out (they call it something else though) for "interfering with their learning." The discipline piece of the puzzle is a total shitshow that everyone hates... except the part where the kids are learning their non-native language so amazingly well tends to make up for it enough in some friends' minds.

Home District has a discipline program that nobody bitches about. Test scores are about the same, for whatever that is actually worth. Class sizes are much smaller. I like how they break up the grades into different schools, so there are elementary schools, an intermediate school, the jr high, then a high school with grades 10-12. The smaller Home District high school doesn't offer as many AP classes as the larger Away District 's high school does, but then again due to a smaller size, there are fewer kids falling through the proverbial cracks. There is no bilingual education for English-speaking students to learn Spanish, apart from standard high school Spanish classes which IMHO by then it is way too late to ideally start learning a foreign language. In short, it is more like a run of the mill, average suburban/rural American public school.

Why am I thinking about something I don't need to even think about until 2 years from now? Because if we want to choice in to Away District, I've been advised to meet right now with the very nice principal at the bilingual school so that he is familiar with our family, in case they decide in the future to no longer accept choice applications. (I'm told in a small town, it can't hurt to actually know someone, and that has always proven true for us so far.) That idea has been bounced around so they can appear more "selective"- because right now so many of the higher SES in-district students have opted-out of the school, either because ideologically, they are on the political right and don't want to encourage anyone to speak anything but English in this country, or they are afraid the discipline program is going to scar their children and/or cause the kids to hate school, or they are really religious or feeling like homeschooling is the way.

Oh, and I should also say that my kids' babysitter speaks to them in her native Spanish a lot of the time she watches them, which is 3 days/week.

Give a sister your thoughts, please.

I finally feel like I have actual friends in this town!

2010-11-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

You all know I've had a lot of insecurity about making friends in Podunkville. I swear, for the longest time I was feeling like I had one, maybe two real friends in this wacky little town we've been calling home for the last 28 months. Early on, I met a few douchey types who were haters and had issues. I can't stand Mean Girl stuff, and like Flock of Seagulls, I ran, I ran so far away at the first whiff of it. (Sing along if you like.)

So I waited, and watched, and accepted invitations to shit I really didn't want to go to where they were reading books I didn't want to read, and selling things I didn't want to buy, and I just diligently, genuinely tried to get to know as many people as I could.

I got obsessive about remembering people's names & stories & little tidbits of info about their lives, and I wrote lots of thank you notes and sent lots of random emails & texts of things like 'hey, this reminded me of you,' and of my gratitude, and openness to new friendships, and I brought dinner to people I hardly knew when they had babies or were sick, and I remembered birthdays, and I got involved in some charities... Soon I was going to the park, and to baby showers, and to happy hours where I knew several of the people and they knew me, and small talk became so much less awkward.

Then one day (last Friday actually) I'm sitting there at dinner... with 13 local women who all showed up to take me out on the town for my birthday. I could not fucking believe it, but I actually have made some real friends here. I went into the ladies room and looked at myself in the mirror in disbelief. Finally!!! I'm not anonymous anymore in this town. People would actually notice if I went missing.

If you would have told me that this time last year & even a few months ago, when I seriously thought there was something wrong with me because nothing was clicking with anyone, I never would have believed you. BUT... let's be real, I'm not going around flying my atheist flag in people's faces, and we're definitely not talking politics... and I have to say, things are very pleasant, and finally feel comfortable about it.

Anyway. "Keep putting yourself out there" and "give of yourself" turned out to be damn spot on advice.

Thank you to all my bloggy friends who have been here for me, listening to my cursing and whining, and reassuring me that I wasn't a total loser.

Discipline... it takes a lot of work

2010-11-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

October was the month when pretty much the entire world started telling us that our delightful little 3-year-old needed some discipline. DH has been trying to tell me that for some time now, and I was in denial. Not anymore. When his sweet babysitter who takes care of him 3 days a week told me in tears that she thought he needed some discipline because he called her a "fucking bitch" who is "not my mama" and can't tell him what to do as he threw blocks at her and his baby sister, and screamed "nooooo" whenever she asked anything of him... um, yeah. I knew we needed to get serious about it. Did I mention she raised 3 kids of her own, so this is not some childless ninny who has never dealt with a kid throwing a tantrum-- she knows her shit about kids. That was quite a wake-up call.

So pretty much that's what I've been doing with my free time lately, instead of blogging and enjoying the blogs of others. But I'm back now. Allow me to share what I've been learning.

We started off by incorporating what seems to be the most popular discipline method these day: The Time Out. I found the book "1,2,3 Magic" at the thrift store, read it in about 20 minutes, and discovered it is really easy method to do, and seems to work as long as DS is not supertired. Don't go buy the book though, seriously here is all you need to know: Kid does something you want him to STOP doing. You say "That's 1." He continues? You say "That's 2." He keeps doing it? You say "That's 3. Take 5." (All of this is said calmly and without anger, BTW, with no other talking and explanations on your part.) Then you escort him to time out. Serious infractions like hitting and pushing are an immediate "That's 3. Take 5." Rinse. Repeat. In our house, the time out area is the back porch outside, because there is no way my son will sit still on a step or on the sofa. And he certainly won't go to time out on his own.

We actually had success with this method in terms of teaching that certain behavior has consequences. He says "fucking bitch" or pushes down his baby sister = he goes to time out, and we know he gets it.

That all being said, I had some reservations about the use of Time Outs generally based on conversations I have had over the last several years with certain child psychologists and parents I know. One of my best friends is an expert in this area, and I went to her and described what was going on in my home. Her opinion is that Time Outs in general do help to protect children from potentially greater harms like spanking and verbal/emotional abuse, and they are useful for parents who have multiple children and not a lot of time to talk with and to work individually with each child; but they are not the ideal method, especially for dealing with boys. (Ouch!) Her belief is that Time Outs risk teaching kids that when they are feeling these kinds of out-of-control, big scary emotions, the people who love them most will withdraw from them and make them be by themselves because they can't handle the child and don't accept them at that moment. And that sense of rejection over time, and the inability to work together with their parents on managing those tough emotions can allegedly hurt a child's emotional development. (Definitely food for thought, but not what I wanted to hear. I'd ideally like a quicker fix - note above the time-crunched parents... yep, that's me!)

She suggested instead of putting him in Time Out every time he crosses the line, we should think about incorporating some therapeutic techniques to help teach him emotional self-regulation. Things like proper breathing from the diaphragm, using words to name the emotion he is experiencing, role playing with dolls, and doing art together. At first my thought was "this is kind of touchy feely for me, but I'm willing to give it a try"... and now I'm glad I did, because I have been pleasantly surprised. DS has really enjoyed the art we have been doing with him - things like getting a crayon and paper and asking him to draw a bunch of circles to show opposite emotional states: "draw HAPPY!!, ok, now draw sad." "draw EXCITED!!, now draw bored." etc. It has been interesting. And I have noticed that he is a bit more aware of the effect of his behavior on others, and a bit more able to explain what he is feeling in a much more verbal way. Who would have thought that therapeutic play could work so quickly? My friend suggested a book for me about children's art therapy for laypeople that I hope to read for more activities for us to do.

The final lesson we've been trying to incorporate is to remember to give attention to, and to realistically praise his "good" behavior. Like those rare moments when he is quietly playing with a toy for awhile, we try to remember to give him the same level of attention we would give him if he were doing something "naughty" like trying to throw that toy through the window. I have seen many parents who only really pay attention to misbehavior because it is so hard to ignore - but it is challenging to remember to notice the good behavior, too: the sharing, the respectful play, the spontaneous kisses he gives his sister when he thinks no one is watching...

Anyway, it has been quite a journey for all of us this month, and I'm happy to say I'm feeling better about DS and his current place in the world as a spirited, determined, sharp little dude.

Your thoughts?

Halloweenies

2010-10-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Have you figured out what you, and/or your children, and/or your pets are going to be on Oct 31st? (Luckily, we only need to dress up the kids, as DH hates grown-up costume parties with some serious passion.) Just curious - are there any similar costume festivities in Italy, Denmark, or France?

My son first decided he wanted to be a pumpkin for Halloween (but I figured he just might change his mind everyday). So I went off to the thrift store and just so happened to find the perfect pumpkin suit in a 4T (the exact size which my supertall 2.5 year old has been wearing for awhile now), plus a warm and cozy looking little ladybug outfit for our one year old daughter. I'm feeling like a winner.

I bring all of my loot home, feeling great about having the costumes figured out so far in advance, and all for only $5!! Then DH had to go and burst my bubble saying, "Oh hell no! My son is not wearing that thing!" Apparently, he was concerned about his masculinity. Um, he's not even 3 yet. Ok whatever. I suppose he is entitled to one fashion veto a year. But the trouble is, I want to keep DS looking little and cuddly for as long as I can. He's going to say he wants to be something more big boy and tough and violence-prone probably way too soon for me. And lord help me the day he finds out you can actually dress up as one of the characters from "Soy Glory."

We went back to the drawing board, and asked DS again what he wants to be for Halloween. (Actually he said "a pumpkin" like 4 more times, but DH pretended not to hear and I just smirked.)

"Um, I want to be a green frog and a super man." Where do they come up with this stuff? Pretty sure I won't be able to find that combination in a 4T at Tarjay or Wally World. And I can't sew. So I made another trip to the thrift store.

And guess what was on the rack right next to a size 4T (!!!) frog suit? A superman cape! Done and done, bitches. Like it was meant to be. I love me some thrifting like Tiger Woods loves Hooters waitresses.

Dealing Compassionately with Bat Shit Crazy

2010-10-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Long story short, there is a woman who has stopped by my kid's preschool twice, unexpectedly, to ask the teacher for copies of any old school records of her son's, whom she claims attended the preschool about 5 years ago. Word on the street in our small town is that this woman suffers from some sort of mental illness. (I g00gled her and found out some disturbing shit, but I digress.) Turns out her son never officially attended the school, but he sat in on a class with her once.

Then parents at the school started gossiping. Now some members of the preschool's Board are wondering if filing a restraining order would help keep everyone safe.

I think they are right to be a little freaked out at a gut-level, but I feel that perhaps they are jumping the gun with all the restraining order talk. The fact is, she may be bat shit crazy, but she has technically done nothing wrong: she showed up 2 times so far, both were times when the Board was meeting and the public was invited. Not during class times when kids were present. Not at times when members of the public were uninvited.

My personal feeling is that sometimes, when it comes to the mentally ill (i.e. people like this who blog about the CIA coming after them at the doctor's office, and who also have lawsuits pending against the city, the police dept, the fire dept, her son's foster family, etc) restraining orders don't necessarily work like magic at keeping them away. I understand the knee-jerk, mama bear reaction is to come at her with proverbial guns blazing. But I wonder if that would be counterproductive, and would just inflame the situation.

I just feel bad for her, and for people like her. If the truly insane don't know they are insane, then what an incredibly horrible existence. To actually believe g-men are coming for you, and that your kid was taken away for no good reason, and that no one believes you?? Holy hell that would be so unimaginably awful. Thank the lawd for mental health... even if I don't always have as firm a grip on it as I would like.

Part of me thinks we should re-think our current social policy of letting the mentally ill roam around unmedicated, too often creating real problems and harrassing people. My mom always talks about the old state homes they used to have - full of awful abuses too, no doubt. But the alternative need not be a scene from "Shock Corridor." I realize there were coercive mis-institutionalizations. Surely we can do better.

Maternal Failings... again

2010-10-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

At 9am today, I took my almost-3-year old son to a toddler gymnastics class that he has been to many, many times and usually loves. But today he decided he didn't want to participate. At all. Both of the teachers kept trying to persuade him to join the other kids as they jumped, laughed and played. And honestly, I was feeling really angry that he wouldn't join in. And also embarrassed that all of these others kids his same age were able to be part of the fun class, and have a great time together, while my son sidelined himself and threw a tantrum about wanting to sit with me in the place where the grown-ups watch so he could play with the baby toys. I ended up taking him home early and gave him the silent treatment all the way home because I knew if I spoke I'd say something ugly.

My reaction really surprised me. I guess we have entered the Horrible 3's a few weeks early.

I hate the feeling that my kid has this shitty tendency to misbehave loudly, publicly, and to a seemingly greater degree than his peers. I feel like none of the many techniques we've tried have worked. It seems the only solution is to keep him home because that way, at least we're not feeling so humiliated about it (she typed as both of her children wailed and pulled at her feet....)

Cheap, Battery-Powered Crap!

2010-09-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

DS (who will turn 3 in late Oct) recently saw that popular animated movie trilogy that rhymes with "Soy Glory," and it is like toddler crack to the child. Which on the one hand is nice because if I need him to just sit for awhile while I take care of something uber important like food or changing an exploded shit-filled diaper, I can use it as a babysitter. But as it turns out, I created a monster, with several downsides...

First, it has caused some behavioral issues: "Soy Glory" taught him how to say "SHUT UP!" Which he says all the time and has become a Real Issue around here. Ok, so truthfully, he probably heard us saying it, too. But in the great American tradition, I'd rather blame The Media for all of my parenting failures.

Then came the introduction of the Cheap, Battery-Powered Crap featuring all of this movie trilogy's cast of licensed characters that started finding its way into our home. People found out DS liked the movies, so they keep giving him more of everything emblazoned with it. It's on helmets, and sippy cups, and Pull-ups, and potty seats, and butt wipes, and more Cheap Plastic Battery Powered Shizz! And it is even at the friggin' supermarket! DH came home from getting groceries with this Cheap Talking Stuffed "Fuzz Brightbeer" toy in tow, that cost about 1000 times more than it cost to make in China (so like $6). DS played with it so much the very first day that the batteries ran out. Oh holy hell. Not good. Not good at all people. Let's just say DS was pissed to the highest level of pisstivity that his beloved Fuzz had suddenly started "ignoring" him.

Time to change the batteries then. But wait, unlike other toys, this one was apparently designed to be thrown away after only a few weeks of play? There was no velcro opening to access the battery panel. So I had to pull out the cheap stitching and remove Fuzz's furry white innards to get at the battery pack, which was encased inside a fabric pocket that was sewn shut. Then I had to cut that mofo open, and find a tiny ass screwdriver to finally open it up. Then I see that instead of using the more popular toy battery sizes like AA or AAA that we coincidentally have loads of both in bulk and in rechargeable form, it requires 3 of those 1.5 volt round silver batteries.... The ones that mama can't find anywhere in Podunkville... except of course at the big box store that is FULL OF LICENSED CHARACTER SHIZZ FROM THE SAME MOVIE!! And that we can't take DS into because the temptation is just too great, and because I don't want to have to leave a cart full of stuff I didn't even need so I can carry a tantruming toddler back to the car to go home early. Thank gawd... without being reminded, DH saved the day by bringing some of the requisite batteries home one day. (He correctly sensed that the need was acute.) Luckily I had some no-sew Res-Q Tape on hand to put a freshly-batteried Fuzz back together again. The smile returned to my child's face as he hugged his cheap little friend tightly, and then scampered off into the sunset to play.

A friend of a now 7-year old girl was recently lamenting the fact that for years all of this Princess shizz kept somehow seeping into their house under the front door. Now I totally get what she was talking about. IT'S EVERYWHERE!! All of this marketing of cheap plastic crap, of fast food, etc to little kids using all of these licensed characters really is unsavory. Yet, short of keeping the kid at home all day with no TV - or running off into the woods - there is just no avoiding it. Or maybe there is avoiding it, but I am too lazy to do all of the rearranging of our lives that would make it possible. Like no TV.

I Must Have Friendship Vaginosis

2010-09-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

It is one of those rotten days for me, and for no good reason at all. I am really feeling like I am never going to have any real friends here. (For those who haven't heard me go on about this here before, I live in a place I call Podunkville, where everyone except for me & DH falls into one of 2 camps: 1) the uber-Christian, Fox News lovers who definitely wouldn't laugh at any of our jokes, and 2) the cool liberals who are extremely outdoorsy & don't really want to spend time with anyone who is not.)

Luckily, I have good friends elsewhere, which is something I should be grateful for. If I do ever find a real local friend, I will probably totally suffocate her because I will be so hyper-excited to be able to spend time locally with Someone Who Gets It for a fucking change. I just wish my dream of having a few close friends here wasn't something I perseverated on so much! I'm annoying to myself. Maybe the people with same-aged kids who are moving here next year will fit the bill. Maybe DS will meet someone with cool 'rents in his preschool class. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up though. The last time I got my hopes up it sucked. Remember Food Court Mama who seemed interested at first but then never called or emailed me back? Must be my vaginosis. I guess I shouldn't have worn a skirt that day.

I need to quit with the negative self-talk. I actually do have some friends, I think. Or I used to. In fact, a sweet older lady who helped us move here 2 years ago was saying this weekend how impressed she is that we have made so many connections so quickly. Fo' rizzle? So I guess we seem popular to people who don't know us very well, which is nuts. I'm not completely lonely, I suppose. Sure, there's Stitch, my one local friend who I can usually be my authentic self around. However, to be perfectly honest Stitch took a step back from me this summer, and I think the reason has to do with some bad advice she asked me for, which I gave despite my hesitations and now I regret it, and then she didn't follow it, and now I think she thinks I want to say I told her so but I truly don't, and now that she knows I was right I think she feels like she can't talk to me about her problems now... I need to respect boundaries more and refrain from giving advice - just listen! People are going to do what they want to do so JUST LISTEN. Like I should tattoo that on my forehead.

This is another one of those areas in life where I don't want to become my mother. My mother had no friends. Even her sister can't stand spending holidays with her. She married my dad, who was the prom king in college, and turned him into a man with no social life. So that's why I'm so worried about it. But really, if I can't fit in with a bunch of people who have zero in common with me ideologically, culturally, aesthetically, etc, it doesn't mean I'm becoming my mother. It means I live in a place where it is simply more challenging. Right? Right?

Anyway, did I tell you I'm joining a new book club? This one has a slightly older membership than me - women in their early 40s who apparently wondered if I was "too young" when they thought about inviting me last year. One of the members told me she felt bad that I was in the stupid people's book club that chose books like "Twilight" and "Gone with the Wind," and had to convince the other members that I'm not vapid even though I'm 33. (My vapidity has nothing to do with my age, I assure you). Don't you love women's group politics? Good times! So, yeah, given the way I apparently got my invitation over the period of like a year, I am keeping the expectations low. Lower than a snail's tail low.

In other news, now that glorious Fall is here I am feeling the need to watch some scary movies and drink hot cocoa. Watched "The Unborn" and " The Fourth Kind" on DVD recently. Both are scary and hella schlocky. But neither was as over the top as "Drag Me To Hell." Nobody liked that one but me and some nerdy dude who still works at Blockbuster and is a total Sam Raimi fanatic like me.

School as Scapegoat

2010-09-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to share a story with you all that I started to tell (rather poorly) in the comments on @Cloud's awesome blog. It's about Ms. R, the friend of a friend here in Podunkville who is someone with an education and resources, who should probably know better...

When I first heard about Mrs. R, she was in the local paper for her newsworthy 'badgering' of the School Board, as she was trying to make a point at their meeting, by applying to them the same techniques used in the school district's discipline policy. (Basically, she put the Superintendent in a time out-equivalent because he forgot some statistic during his remarks, and she tried to draw an analogy between him, and how she felt her son was being unfairly treated in K for "simply not knowing things.") So I thought she was a bit of a badass, and that it is pretty cool to have someone like her disturbing shit in our conservative little hamlet.

Then DH got to know Mrs. R's husband, Mr. J. In the course of getting to know him, Mr. J eventually told DH that their son, N, was suddenly going to be homeschooled after one semester of K, in which they decided "the school district was out to get him, and hates our son." DH came home and told me all of this and I was thinking, "Hmm, something about this story doesn't add up. But ok, whatever."

Fast forward to several months later, when we start to make friends with a couple, The A's, who has kids who attend the school little N used to attend. One day they bring up Mrs. R, and the other side of the story finally comes out. Apparently, N was repeatedly verbally abusive to other children in his class, and was having out-of-control rage fits, by all accounts. To the point that everyone in class was disrupted by him, and some other kids started getting afraid to go to school. I'm not talking about normal kid tantrums, I'm talking about behavior that just seemed totally out of proportion & abnormal. As in it would be clear to the outside observer that N could benefit from an evaluation to determine what is going on with him. The A's felt like they had known a boy with this same issue before, and actually called up their old friend who was the father of the similar boy to see how they should broach the topic with Mrs. R and Mr. J., out of concern for the family. Incidentally, the Superintendent of that other boy's school district actually took a trip to a school in Portland that addresses how to teach kids with these issues so he could incorporate the curriculum into the boy's education plan - talk about an awesome public school leader.

Mrs. A mentioned the friend's son's story to Mrs. R and was met with total denial. Mrs. R first blamed the school district's discipline policy for "shaming her son." Then she blamed the son of another friend for turning the children against her son. Then she said that public school is just not made for boys like hers, who are "intelligent and just super energetic." So now they're homeschooling. Mrs. R doesn't want to be friends with Mrs. A anymore. Mrs. A hopes she'll change her mind and realize that her suggestion was not intended as any sort of judgment about Mrs. R's parenting. Unfortuntely, the writing on the wall seems to be that there is something off about N, and Mrs. R is too in denial to get it checked out, even though they have the means.

Why am I telling this story about people I barely know? Because I think, so often in life, the truth is somewhere in between. This is a great example of that reality. On the one hand, I'm sure the school could have handled it better, but understandably, they are not made to handle little boys with serious rage issues when they have 18 other kids to educate. I'm not saying give up on kids like that - they failed to reach the parents on the benefits of their recommendation for an evaluation. And as for the parents, sometimes the conventional wisdom is right. If the data points that the subjective lens of the school structure is showing you indicate something might be really wrong with a kid, shouldn't we put aside our own parental insecurities and get answers? It is too easy to think "oh my poor baby" and make the school the problem, instead of saying "maybe we both have shit going on that played a role in this problem and maybe we can work cooperatively to solve it." Honestly, sometimes school is the problem. But sometimes parents try to make life way too much like Burger King, have it your way. I can't help but feel N is going to miss opportunities long term by not being around other kids. And N's former classmates - what might they be thinking about his absence after he behaved that way? Maybe that bad behavior does get punished? Or that we get rid of people who can't fit in?

Am I taking crazy pills by thinking about it this way?

"The Toys Are Going Back To The Store!!"

2010-08-31T07:27:00.000-07:00

I hate when life and Actual Work get in the way of blogging. Sorry for the recent absence here & at other bloggy friends' places. I'm brain dead today. I was up more times last night than I can count - I had a nagging cough that no medicine could address, plus both kids woke me up multiple times... and DH eventually told DS to "SHUT UP!!!" (And he honestly wonders where DS learns those kinds of phrases! "I learned it from you, dad! I learned it by watching you!!" Remember those lame anti-drug ads of the 80s anyone?) But I have to say, this is where the work we've been doing in marriage counseling has started to pay off. We didn't fight at 4am. We mentioned it calmly this morning and agreed to discuss it later and come up with a plan. I hardly recognized us! We actually sounded functional. I need DH to stop yelling "The Toys Are Going Back To The Store!!" whenever DS misbehaves. He needs me to stop letting DH be the bad guy all the time. We'll get there.

So all I've got are some random thoughts I feel the need to share.

The last 3 times I've heard an interesting, catchy tune on the radio lately that's made me sit up and take notice, and jot down the lyrics so I could google to find out what band it is - it has turned out to be a song by The Killers. ("Smile Like You Mean It," "Read My Mind," & "When You Were Young.) Yeah, I know they've been out for awhile. It's that rock I've been living under. I should probably just go ahead and download all of their albums. You know, this is making me feel old, not knowing what the kids are listening to anymore.

I just found out that "Weeds" is not over yet! Last year I swear I heard a rumor that it was their final season, now they're baaackk. I don't get Showtime though, so we'll probably Netflix it next summer. I have a friend who thinks I look exactly like Mary-Louise Parker (only about 60 lbs heavier and with ginormous boobies.) I think she's wrong. I've also been told I look exactly like Mariah Carey - and those ladies don't look alike at all.

DS is now 34 months and is finally daytime potty trained - um, that is, only when we keep him completely naked on the bottom. As in, he doesn't need any reminders (any parental reminders just piss him off) - he puts his skinny little butt right on the big potty whenever nature calls, and even remembers to flush. BUT the minute we put cloth underwear or a pullup on him, he treats it like a diaper. We hope someday soon it will click in his brain that he can pull pants down, but for the last month we have had a half naked toddler running around and it has really eased the load (pun intended.. gross right).

Only one episode of True Blood left! What the fuck am I going to do with myself? ;)

I really really hate working out, but I got pudgy enough that I looked in the mirror and stepped on the scale and was like "I need to get my lard ass to the gym!" I really don't hate my body, believe it or not, I have lovely curves (or so DH lies to me) it is just that my thighs were rubbing together and that needed to stop. There is this crazy ass gym around here that does really odd but cool exercises where you basically lift and pull heavy shit using this proper form the owners teach you. The workouts are only 25 minutes but you either want to pass out or puke after each one. Good times. After 5 sessions, my thighs stopped rubbing together and I'm getting those "have you lost weight?" comments that can sound totally backhanded if not said with the right tone.

DD turns 11 months at the end of this week, and I am sad thinking of how her infancy went by in a heartbeat. I'm also thinking some odd negative/regretful thoughts about choices we've had to make to survive this last almost-year. How I don't have the energy to dress her as cute as I did her brother at her age; how her room is still not decorated!! How the dream doesn't always match the reality. But it's ok. The things that truly mattered are taken care of.

What have you got?

Houseguests Are Like Fish

2010-08-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

A future colleague of my DH's, and his wife, and two young children are currently staying at our place while they house hunt. It is pure, unadulterated mayhem around here. Their 3.5 year old son and our 2.5 year old DS have been fighting over literally the same race car for the past 48 hours. Both of our 10 month olds are teething and have heads full of snot, and no one is getting any sleep. And it is starting to feel too warm in here, as I look at the thermostat reading 77 degrees but set on 70... I know this will require a service call because we had the same problem last summer. And I have too much work shit scheduled for when they finally leave so I can't be at home to meet a repairman. Even a hot one who looks like Eric Bana. Because in Podunkville, land of no hustle, people take their sweet time with things and are slow talkers and slow movers in general. But enough bitching from me about houseguests - they are truly lovely people, it is just that all of the kids are getting in the way of anyone enjoying a relaxing time with people we are hoping to eventually become good friends with.

I need a drink - just something cold. Though if someone handed one to me I wouldn't turn down a Hendricks' gin & tonic with lime.

What are you drinking? Who is crashing your place? Who are you Kato Kaelin-ing on this summer?

More like Aug 16th

2010-08-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

So I am 8 days behind on blogging... what can I say, it was a great trip. And my laundry still isn't done. Best part: tie between the following - I slept like the dead, AND I was randomly upgraded to business class on the return trip, and it seriously felt like I had just won the lottery. (I'm lame like that & get excited over little luxuries.) Drank a ton. Ate amazeballs Indian food on Brick Lane, and also found this kebab place that I swear is putting opiates into its food! Had a great visit with my soon-to-be-involuntarily divorced BFF, with the no good very bad cheating gambling addict ex who she is still in love with more than a little bit. I think she is going to be just fine. She has made some very sweet friends - all non-UK foreigners who have totally been looking out for her.

We rode the trains to various UK locales including my new fave, Bath. Johnny Depp has a place there - duh of course he does, because there is something very unique about the town that I can't quite put my finger on. I also got to see that week's ep of "Mad Men." Unlike my other TV addiction, "True Blood," it is possible for folks in the UK to download episodes of the current season. Speaking of "Mad Men," I watched last night's ep with DS, who started repeating a phrase angrily-uttered by Peggy Olsen: "Your problem is not my problem!" Which is kind of funny to hear coming out of the little dude's mouth. Also a good reminder that perhaps young folks should not be watching this kind of programming with their moms.

I need to catch up on my blog reading now, so comments will be coming your way soon. Thanks for stopping by. More substantive posts soon once I deal with the fucking laundry etc.

Leaving On a Jet Plane

2010-07-29T15:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I leave for a blissful week in the UK, where I'm going to visit my newly-divorced BFF who recently moved there for a fresh start. This is my BFF since middle school who is ridiculously beautiful, and who will probably be married 3 or 4 times in her life and never have any children. But she is a total joy, and the closest thing I have to a sister. I actually hope she moves back to the states soon though. I think her living there aimlessly in the UK - jobless & childless, I might add... wait, that sounds heavenly - is not a tenable proposition for the long-term. She is already getting a rather generous pre-alimony payment but it is not enough for her to keep up with the exorbitant cost of urban living. And having nothing to do and nowhere to be is simply not good for her, because all she does with her time is think about her ex and how he totally rejected her. She seems stuck.

There is a part of me that wants to say to her: Um, how are you going to pay for your retirement? How are you going to psychologically move on from this? Because sitting in a flat you can't afford while claiming you also can't afford therapy makes no fucking sense really. What are your priorities? But I have been working very hard to keep my mouth shut and just LISTEN without judgment. She has a tendency to rebel against anyone who sounds remotely parental. She will figure it out for herself eventually. She always does. She is just one of those people who always lands on her feet, but often dangles very close off the edge. I swear her life has been a total roller coaster. She's poor. She's comfortable. She's poor. She's dirt poor! She's comfortable. She's rich! She's poor... not to mention her love life, which is, well, enviable to most men and probably to the Samantha character from SATC. (BTW the 2nd movie sucked out loud, except for the part about Lawrence of my Labia. But seriously, don't see it.) She's the friend I would call if I ever thought I had VD or needed an abortion. She doesn't even know the number of partners she's had in her life - I recall it was 22 at age 21 and she joked that she'd be one of those people with more partners than years on the planet. Meanwhile, I'm still on one hand. And still married. And with children - things she finds bizarrely intriguing now. Talk about vicarious living!

Drama follows her, and she definitely creates it. Oddly enough, I almost cancelled the trip because as of last week she thought she had bedbugs... and I can't afford a hotel and neither can she. Turns out she has a bad dust mite allergy that has given her eczema. Just glad bedbugs will not be following me home in my suitcase. Ick. Now I'm itching.

Anyway, this means ol' Hushie pie won't be back here until about Aug 8th or so... until then, hugs and kisses to you all. Thanks for stopping by. I'm going to need to watch next Sunday's episodes of "True Blood" and "Mad Men" though before I post, heck, before I unpack my suitcase and let those little bed buggies infest my house, right along with the mice!

Anyone else feeling me on the drama queen friend who you love & who is actually a great friend? Or on the mice or bedbugs? Or crabs? (just kidding)...

Do "Bad Seeds" Really Exist?

2010-07-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

A recent program on NPR about parenting really made me stop and think. It made me question some of my prior assumptions that "there are no bad kids" (read: there are only bad parents/bad adults in their lives who fuck them up). It was the July 15, 2010 edition of Neal Conan's excellent "Talk of the Nation" program, with guests Dr. Richard Friedman, and NurtureShock author Po Bronson, called: "Sometimes, Good Parents Produce Bad Kids." Read the transcript or listen to it here.

It starts off like this: "In a recent article in the New York Times, psychiatrist Richard Friedman pointed out that mental health professionals have long been trained to see children as products of their environment, intrinsically good until influenced otherwise, and he disagrees. While there are all too many bad parents around, he argues, chronic bad behavior by a child does not necessarily mean bad parenting is responsible. Some kids are just bad seeds."

Wow.

Of course there's that old yarn from both the real Boys & Girls Town and its film version - "As the twig is bent, so grows the tree." There's also, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Probably there some other arborial metaphors for child development in other languages, too. But perhaps these old adages have it wrong?

What say you, parents?

Holy Fucking Shit!

2010-07-17T11:25:00.001-07:00

My 9-month-old DD slept all the way through the night last night! As in a real deal Holyfield 12+ hours of precious sleep from 7:30pm until 8:15am. But did her mama also sleep through the night? Hell no! Because apparently I am so used to the shitty routine of her waking my ass up between 2 and 4 am that I actually woke myself up imagining I had heard her cries on the monitor. When I went to check she was sound asleep on her tummy with her head in the corner of her crib. Yes, it was my mind playing tricks on me. Fuck!

Now I'm obsessed with replicating last night's conditions. She was wearing jeans and a blue polo shirt to bed (no time for jammies - when I saw her rub her eyes and yawn I just put her to bed as is). Check. Last night was the first night I had put her in a size 4 disposable diaper. Check. I put a half-full bottle of formula in the crib with her and 2 blankets. Check. Check. The fan was on a medium setting. Check. I put her down drowsy but awake at 7:31pm and let her cry, watching the clock for a looooong 6 minutes, until she fell asleep = tension releaser. Check. We shall see what transpires tonight, bitches...

I was fully awake and out of bed by 4:30 am after about an hour of unsuccessfully trying to go back to sleep. So I decided to just get up and get shit done until one of my kids woke up. Turns out it was DS at 7:15. But I got a lot done in almost 3 uninterrupted hours there: Uploaded & shared vacation photos from almost a month ago. Sprayed weeds. Wrote an encouraging note to Skeletor in anorexia rehab. Showered. I like that feeling of accomplishment so early on a Saturday before the heat of the day sets in, so much so that I might make the extreme early wake up a habit.... or not!

Friend Ain't Getting Any

2010-07-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

Mrs. P, one of my two IRL BFF's, and I had a long phone conversation today, covering a lot of territory, mainly marriage and kids. I told her about my recent marital trubs, dramatic hotel stay, and how therapy was certainly helping. And then she went and dropped what I felt was a total bomb - that she hasn't had sex with her DH for almost a year!

Wait, what???!!!

I now realize we often have no idea what is going on in other people's marriages. Hell, I'm sure mine looks great from the outside... little do they know.

Mrs. P is mama to an adorable 21-mos-old, who she Attachment Parents (her term) to an extreme. As in she and her DH have not been on a date since before the kid was born. Like, whoa. As in full-boat AP: co-sleeping, BF'ing, cloth diapering, no babysitters ever - all the hard core shit. I'm a bit of an APer-light, but I think I'd jump out of a window if I never had any time away from my kids.

My sense is that Mrs. P has trouble finding balance. She tends to go to extremes with things. And her DH is kind of a pushover - he just does whatever she says, and doesn't feel confident enough to ever initiate sex, or plan a date, or do anything. It would be nice if he knew how to balance her out. I think she has contributed to it by not acting like intimacy is any sort of priority for her.

Your thoughts?